3am Mind

You know today I was out walking and it suddenly dawned on me, the wisdom behind how my life in the past couple of years unfolded. As I listened to my egos whispering of what it would have loved to have done, with all that I’m cognisant of now. I smiled inwardly as I witnessed the subtle truth that though those musings made me chuckle, I loved more & wholeheartedly what Allah did.

Like I just can’t even fathom the immense wisdom behind his plan for me. The kind you can only connect, when you look back.

I genuinely believe certain swords in my back, were best left there for the divine himself to pull out. Rather than my ego which was the only way of life I was acustomed to before.

I know this would be the most gassed thing I probably could say about myself, but ever since I became consciously aware of my worth as a soul, I feel a sense of protection around who I share myself with and what I associate my self with. In all areas of my life, especially in the one thing that’s borrowed which is time. I couldn’t feel more content in sharing my life with the people in it and in the ways and things I now aspire to. 

It’s unbelievable to me that in all my years in this world, the criteria I judge worth by, finally is what’s worthy of me? Instead of an unconscious am I worthy.

I think what happened today was a silent ceremony where I was made to look at the swords from my past and with contentment buried it with gratitude accompanied by the remembrance of Allah. Gratitude for the space I needed that his way created. Space in which I was able to realise my soul and the expansive inner mansion it had for me….called home. 

The soul learns and transcends while the ego cares for right and wrongs. I don’t anymore.

Checkmate

I couldn’t truly love myself not until I realised & accepted the true reason behind why I was afraid to.

I find serenity in the type of melancholy that accompanies this realisation and around this sudden charge of courage I feel, that wants to go ahead….

Go ahead and love myself in spite of the subconscious fears that have sabotaged and unconsciously shut me off. Go ahead and love myself inspite and in awareness of those fears that promise me loss.

To Switch up on all that switched you off, trust the process of what divine love turns a light towardstrust the wisdom behind divine will that intends that light to become yours

 

It’s too late to apologise?

Actually not when you do it right for example…

“….I won’t ask for your forgiveness, my lack of you is my deepest illness…..” 

Jokes aside the above is an excerpt of the original poem written by the author Klaudio Marashi. I liked it not because I like to see someone suffer for a wrong they did but more so because of the remorse it shows.

It got me wondering about apologies and how what qualifies one as sincere varies from one person to another. 

I realised the apologies that most touch my soul are those that…

A) contain accountability~ so when receiving the apology I can feel the other person understands what they’ve done wrong.

B) Shows honour for me~ so when receiving I can feel my value as (insert what I am to you) reflected back to me.

c) Invokes & invites a renewal of trust through unspoken vulnerability.~ so when receiving I can see something valuable you’ve put forward.  This kind of unspoken vulnerability is felt energetically. One can simply stand there and apologise and I’ll know the above is there either in that moment or because of how things unfold. It’s vulnerable because the person has genuine intentions to do right & right their wrongs but their history taints. So though they wish they could earn your trust again, they entertain reason in any skepticism that exists as understandable.  

D) Change ~ So when receiving I can be happy knowing what happened wasn’t in vain. Perhaps the one who hurt me grew as a result. 

I have a gift in being able to grasp the essence in things and an apology where any of the above exist (the more the better) are the only apologies I feel worth allowing into my space. 

That is because such apologies take courage and character to deliver. It’s never too late to apologise because such apologies carry the gift of healing for the one you hurt and for yourself. 

I was able to discern this because I’ve accepted apologies in the past where those things that matter to me above weren’t felt or honoured by me, I wasn’t conscious of it not being. Sure things were said that can be put into categories A & B. But in essence I knew it didn’t satisfy me organically. It’s as though the person wasn’t ripe with it and in accepting the apology I kind of felt compelled to reward tangible effort. 

Which Inadvertently taught me one of the greatest lessons I’ve learnt to date and that is accepting an apology,  is a personal choice guilt or shame should have no say in. If it’s not in alignment don’t bulldoze your soul to conform.

Unconditional self love becomes fragmented when you step out side of your self to tend to presumed needs of another. That is because to embody unconditional self love you must acknowledge all of your needs.

Hence why holding space for yourself should take priority over you holding space for the one apologising. Their feelings are not your responsibility yours are, because their feelings are meant to  guide them and yours are meant to guide you. 

True Apologies are more than just sorry, they are a mark of a paradigm shift, an energetic re set, a change in vibration. It’s a mark of courage in the one giving it and also a mark of nobility for the one who accepts it

I respect this space that cultivates courage and summons nobility in people. Deal with apologies according to your values.

 

Reunion with my heart….till death do us part

When I first learnt that the language of the psyche is fear it altered how I related to and identified with my thoughts. When I learnt that the language of the emotional body is pain.  It redefined how I view and treat my feelings. It gave me understanding and a new sense of patience where before I met it with discomfort and intolerance.

I have to say I was most awestruck by being guided to understand the language of my heart. It’s been a mixture of gratitude and wonder getting to know the language it communicates to me through. I’ve always experienced it, I just didn’t know how to precieve it consciously for what it is and not knowing that meant I was also prone to not listen to it. Not unless it could blast through and silence fear and not unless it could by pass pain so that I don’t feel.

What a daunting task for my heart to over come in order to make itself heard by me. What’s truly merciful and charitable is despite this unconscious, irrational low-key subduing  task presented to it. The language of the heart was decreed in such a way that it could work with and even around someone like me.

Knowing the language of the heart is felt perception has changed my life. The second that lightbulb went on I felt ushered into a new dimension the kind that I want to stay in forever.

Through felt perception the heart manages to whisper in ways that pose competent challenges to the psyches language of fear. It also manages to soothe through ease the emotional bodies language of pain.

This is its humanitarian way of meeting the task I set for it. Through this leniency I see the vastness of love and wisdom placed in the human heart.

Through felt perception the heart communicates things that have power to melt away illusion and to provide a hoverboard of nurturing care that ensures one lands in the midst of pain whole.

It is one thing to understand that the heart has a will of its own and another to experience how that will takes form.

It may sound crazy but I think I heard my hearts voice. Not through sound but through feeling. It felt like an earnest yet assured plea and it felt like It was at a cross road of a make or break concerning me. As if it was experiencing its last chance, clinging firmly to a thinning thread of hope, wanting me to come back to it, wishing  I would.  I felt something get activated in my heart and in that moment I didn’t just feel but it was like I saw. 

I’ve been in a strange daze ever since this happened. Its like a reunion took place and I felt deeply committed. Committed to the heart that I devalued. Happy for a second chance and grateful for its immense unconditional love. 

I understand your language now and listening is as important to me as the air that I breathe. 

I’m surprised a reunion took place because I was never aware I even left.

The Jump off

“Having full faith is knowing that when Allah takes away the umbilical cord he will replace it with milk” ~ Yasmin mogahed 

Ive been contemplating about faith lately by observing firstly, all of the fear based illusions that attack it. I’ve noticed how when the attacks up the ante there are parts of our psyche along with our heart, that counter attack fear to assist us. I understand why the heart would. What surprised me was the minds help, since the fear based illusion also stemmed from there.

Such is life that good and bad can branch out from the same place. So stand alone statements such as the mind supports or the mind antagonises. Prove only one thing in the end and that is that a momentary experience factualised on mere ground of occurrence. Can not be held as holistic truth. In doing so then at least know that facts can be misleading. The same mind that reasons also pushes out illusions & distortions.

Every one has a struggle with trust, one way or another. There are the general kind of struggles. That have momentum based in natural anticipations of what’s desired. This general kind carries light somatic experiences like nerves as opposed to heavy ones like shame.

The true struggle in trust occurs when you are in the abyss of the unknown. Your fear of loss is activated because there is a deep attachment to outcomes.  These fear based illusions create restrictive resistance to your flow. In fact so strenuously that projecting safety in the unknown in such moments feels like surgery without anesthetic.

This type of struggle can go on for a long time because the true test in the struggle is left unrealised. You experience extreme highs when you experience things in support of your desired outcomes and extreme lows when you don’t.

Allah is meticulous in how he orchestrates the test for you,  so the highs and lows are not exactly things you can place firmly in a box and diagnose cognitively. They stand as juxtaposes that drive you insane. Why? Because both your positive thinking and negative thinking rely on it to make its case.

Your feelings try to point out to you that this isn’t right, so you think it’s to do with matter and abandon ship because the matter low-key becomes the enemy to your peace. Your soul pulls you back in not necessarily in agreement with your conclusion.  So you lean on positive thinking only for the highs and lows to begin again.

Your feelings point out over and over again that this isn’t right and thus as the cycle repeats itself. You end up on a familiar roller coaster stuck in a never ending dynamic of sorts. Misinterpreting your reality because you misread the true guidance your feelings carried all along.

This isn’t right” is and always was in relation to the path you took not matter in and of itself.  The matter is what you desire, what you desire is rooted and nourished in the heart and co signed by the wholeness carried by your soul. The heart is between the fingers of the divine, meaning out of your control.

So when you find yourself stuck in stalement in a dynamic you know isn’t congruent to your over all wellbeing. When on a roller coaster that eventually makes you hop off feeling some type of way. Look at your feelings and apply its guidance to the path instead of matter.

As Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

Change course, don’t erase a part of yourself by making “it’s not right” about the matter. Make it about the one thing you are in control of and that is the path you took, the path you’re on. 

Look at all the ways in how that is not right and you will stumble upon discoveries you can not ignore.

Is the path to following your hearts desire a path in alignment with self love i.e are you speaking your truth and standing in your power. Are you unconditionally honouring your needs and accepting your feelings with out by passing or micromanaging them?   

Is the path pleasing to the divine? 

Does it only balance your hope and faith attaching you to your lord when you’re experiencing the highs?.

Do you feel scattered when experiencing the lows on the path? Does fear have a playing field when that is the case?

The answers will grant you profound insight paving way for long over due clarity. 

The reason there is a struggle in your trust regarding your hearts desire and in turn your faith is because you are missing the forest for the trees. “This isn’t right” becomes “this is right” when you metaphorically kill the attachment to the desire/outcome and become attached to the divine instead. This requires understanding and divine consciousness to execute. It isn’t necessarily contingent on your religious practice being on point. Allah guides the hearts and truth doesn’t discriminate against who receives it

Attachment to the divine makes sense because it’s him who guided you through his grace, strengthened your faith through his mercy. Protected you from misguidance (e.g you making its not right about matter) it’s him who left  you signs and synchronicities. Inspired you into multitudes of perspective shifts. The one who strengthened you with his spirit all to facilitate…..your journey back to yourself which ultimately means your journey back to him.

To truly trust you must first be free to trust, and you cannot be free where an attachment other than to Allah exists.

This is why one can’t project safety into the unknown. This is what makes one prone to repeat dynamics that don’t serve. This is how fear garners control over one to trip them up in matters pertaining to their faith. Faith that Allah cultivated in you to begin with to serve as your torch.

Why are attachments other than to the divine not in your highest good? Because unconsciously you end up being obedient to the outcome connected to the attachment. This leaves subconscious negative core beliefs managed by the ego, related to matters that need healing  left unexposed.  Through attachment to the divine this darkness is bought into the light for resolution. Distortions are healed as the subconscious mind is reprogrammed through truth and with love. 

He is not in need of your obedience in the end it serves your highest good. When Allah says re route your attachment to a matter and its outcome to me. It is so that your scattered focus aligns with unconditional self love and acceptance which is your soul structure. Re routing attachment to Allah thus frees you up to be in a state that receives.  

He wants attachments to other than him metaphorically annihilated. So that fears can be transmuted into pure faith. Your doubts into pure hope, your anxiety into trust  and your confusion into steadfastness.

Allah is interested in your soul evolution every test you encounter facilitates for this. Your soul yearns for this and works with it because it is motivated towards your wholeness. The souls attachment to the divine means it gets to relish in divine love. It’s safe and has an inner knowing where trust is concerned. That  whatever the outcome the divine destines regarding its hearts desire, ultimately is an outcome better than what your own will could conjure.

True alchemy of the heart, is to rid it from attachments to anything but the divine.

May he align your will with his. If you are on a rollercoaster look at the path it rolls through. To jump off is to detach from attachments, therefore the Jump off becomes a breakthrough.  Because detaching from attachments is soul liberation. 

This is the lesson your feelings knew. The rollercoaster and dynamic of sorts you were on are symbolic for the loops in life that stand as signposts telling you one thing ……… you-are-still-not getting-it. 

 

 

 

Grieve for what didn’t Happen.

It’s not easy to unconditionally accept all of your needs because it requires brutal truth about what they are. An experience of betrayal unfolding before you can be emotionally traumatic. You could be witnessing in a moment intentional cruelty. I read some where how one of the most over looked causes for emotional trauma is a ‘humiliating or deeply disappointing experience’…..certain events that lead to any of the above lead to trauma if it happened unexpectedly, if you were unprepared for it or if you felt powerless to prevent it.

What struck me most is the truth that such a cause is over looked. It isn’t something we associate trauma with. We are unconcious of the reality as it is experienced. It is over looked because we do not register it for what it actually is. This over looked cause of emotional trauma is actually the most common, that in itself is disturbing.

How many people are in the throes of emotional trauma and those around including themselves are non the wiser.

Awareness of trauma becomes diluted or  fogged out as one feels shocked, indenial or disbelief. There is confusion and disorientation in the mix. The symptoms of trauma are honed in on without necessarily realising, that the reality in the moment is you are traumatised by what just happened. The symptom isn’t the cause, the cause gives birth to the symptoms. You are in shock because you are traumatised. You are in disbelief because you’re traumatised. in denial and confused by what just happened because it traumatised you.

Feeling powerless to prevent an emotionally traumatic event, happens most when what shocks you are the actions of someone else, someone you didn’t want to experience such actions from. You see the choices one makes consisting of callousness towards you and total disregard for your honour or worth. You couldn’t prevent it because you do not have control of no ones actions but your self.

This is what makes your needs your true needs that weren’t met. Very RAW and vulnerable to accept. Your needs are all that is linked to what you hoped would have happened. Imagine giving shelter to those needs in your heart during or after the fact of an emotionally traumatic event.

This is why unconditionally accepting your needs and feelings isn’t an easy feat always and for most of us.

To accept them UNCONDITIONALLY is to be honest that you desired love when you were being shown disdain. You desired value when violation was aimed for, honour when humiliated by people who had a duty of care towards you. To accept your desire for safety when harmed is purity of heart. 

Its purity of heart because it stems from unconditional self love. Accepting your needs that weren’t met, to the ego is death because it was never rooted in self love to begin with. It’s root is in survival. The ego sees the antagonist as the enemy. It’s too soon or too raw to associate your true vulnerable needs to the antagonist. Fk the antagonist. When the ego doubles down on the story it takes you further away from self love. You swim in the illusion of protection the illusion of guarding yourself.

Why do we care to desire what we do from them? Is how the ego presents its case. But the question is warped in falsehood it doesn’t require an answer it requires a challenge with the truth.

I do not care to desire what I do from them, I CARE to desire it for myself. It’s what I deserve. It’s representative of my inherent worth.

This antagonist could have been your friend, your partner, a relative or your child. Before the traumatic event you were cool and then things went left. Just because the reality changed because of the choices made, doesn’t mean the heart did too.

So grieve for what you hoped that didn’t happen. Grieve the love, haq/truth, justice, and integrity you didn’t receive.

Grieve it’s absence just grieve.

It isn’t the same as grieving loss of a relationship with the antagonist. It’s simply grieving all that the betrayal replaced.

This is unconditionally accepting your needs. This is unconditional self love.

In grieving the above you acknowledge your worth & you stand in your power. The ego tells you in resistance you are strong. In rejection you have strategy. In judgement you understand. In shaming you are above and in blame you are establishing  boundaries

Healing starts the moment you accept what happened. There is no healing without unconditional self love & acceptance.

Grieve in the space grudge wishes to grow. You will find relief that replenishes you not resentment that keeps you locked in.

Inside Insight

Power fulfils strength provides, use your strength to step into your power. Through trials and hard times it’s your strength that Allah builds. Your power is something he has already created within you.

Strength expands in the heart, vulnerability gives it its wings. When a tear rests in your lower eyelid it’s glad tidings, you’ve stepped into the realm where your power is held. This realm feels dark like fatigue and heart ache all mixed in one. You find yourself in a state of sober thoughtfulness.

It is here your intuitive intelligence speaks and you are able to recieve its guidance. It wants you to stay in this realm so you can be replenished. Power fulfils because it intersperses your wholeness, in all that you do. For that to happen it must first rejuvenate you, envelope you become you. Let it.