Patterns are directions….

……and only interesting when you observe them through feeling.  A major pattern I noticed in recent years is how I have no confidence in perpetrators behind manufactured mess with no rhyme or reason about me. It inconvenienced me the most, because I knew that they wouldn’t make themselves available to hear my truths. I’ve been mostly betrayed by cowards…the kind that put knives in my back. So as you can imagine making themselves available for confrontation was non existent on their list of what to do. To be honest even when some did I would be met with lies and gaslighting I’d see straight through. 

This type of reality really aggravated me inside, because it would summon up my own darkness. Due to feeling forced to experience  a reality that was out of my control. Even though I could accept when one is, I didn’t  understand why I was forced to experience it, in the ways that I did…..so I felt and observed my thoughts….

 ‘Perhaps there is something internal Allah is trying to teach me’…….I wondered, so I resigned myself to hold space for my soul, as it positioned me to receive whatever that may be.

I didn’t want to engage & have an affair with confusion which was the alternative. I rather I got myself ready for a date with clarity…..

The hardest thing for me, was to do nothing, when my ego wanted to do a whole load of something’s. The second hardest thing was for me to witness, the nonsensical envy I had towards my own self because of how easy I made doing nothing look in contrast to how it absolutely was not.

This led me to become aware that in these sort of circumstances, I was being forged by the flames of forbearance….

Forbreance is a quality in my fitra/natural disposition that I had unconcious resistance towards integrating.

I asked Allah the forbearer to bare witness….

~How it was always a lie and a slander used to taint me. ~ How I choose to accept his decree in this pattern of my reality with patience.

~How in understanding that, I can now accept playing the role of being a wound on some peoples tongues. Because im grateful they weren’t destined to be a wound in my heart.

I~will~never~be~a~victim……of fragile egos & corrupt bitter hearts.

I~will~always~use~ones~marad (disease of the heart)……to build awareness & self actualise.

& there is always the bigger picture, of having yowmul xisaab (day of accountability in the after life) to say what’s up? (and there is the inner peace that slowly permeates one’s soul as they heal and realise they no longer even want to)

Every lesson comes wrapped as a dilemma, there is always a part of us waiting for conscious integration. In order for me to integrate my attribute of forbearance, Allah exposed to me situations where it was needed and I’d be consumed by a form of discomfort because I wasn’t aligned with it.

Being tested with cowards that avoid valid confrontation, was ironically mirroring back, the forbearance I left unintegrated in myself because my ego deemed it a risk to its safety.  

Allah tailors the tests that come our way to build awareness. We have blind spots that he wills to unveil, so that we have sight where we once were blind.

I love when something goes full circle, now that I’ve integrated my forbearance, I choke up with raw emotion when ever I get an opportunity to use it. I realise wholeheartedly how every part of my fitra/authentic soul self is highly relevant. It frees me up to do in the situations where I apply forbearance; what my soul genuinely loves to do & that is to look on curiously at the nature of things.

Because I’m a curious soul who also believes that care is about quality. I don’t care about some things because I see no quality behind it. One of those things is the limitations cowards uphold. 

The cowards on my path thus were actually blessings in disguise. If they didn’t run, lie or gaslight I wouldn’t have felt the things that I did that over time formed a pattern that jolted me awake and made me  look inward. 

Its only when we look inward that we can move forward and it’s only when we accept something as is, that we can truly let go.

 

 

 

……

Like water

I remember resonating  a lot with Bruce lee’s quote “be like water my friend” when I was a teen, of course there was more to quote than just that. But it was that part specifically that left the most impression on me.

The full quote was…

You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend. ~ Bruce lee 

Only after I grew older, did it dawn on me just how profoundly this quote impacted me unconciously. It crystallised in meaning that permeated every fibre of my soul. Eventually I realised meaning was preserved and developed through various phases of my life. Because the quote was a sign, a clue about my authentic fluid nature. You can only connect the dots when you look back…
The freeing flow of the water was the opposite to the rigidity i’d lean towards, in the face of changes that I didn’t want. 
The freeing flow of the water was symbolic for all the fulfilment, my soul wanted to pursue but I’d resist because (insert blind spots that led to much self abandonment or fear of my true desires)
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…is your well being flowing through you and to you, no matter what your circumstance is. Just like this rock in the middle of no where, doesnt clog up the flow of the river passing through it. So too, when you follow what fulfils you will the rock not be a factor or obstacle to your harmony and flow.

To be like water my friend, acknowledge every facet of your being, especially your soul perceptions about things. 

It’s only when we ignore the latter (our soul perceptions) that we fall into judgements and then projections and then last but definitely not the least, we fall further away from acknowledging our true needs. 

Any disappointment like energy in life that you feel, can only be transmuted when you pursue what fulfils you. As the feeling of disappointment in ones present moment, is carrying the loyal mail telling you that you are not being fulfilled. See the rock is disappointment and the water is your fulfilment continuing to flow regardless of it.

When inner conflict gets in the way, it only gets in the way of your clarity coming in. That realisation serves as a great incentive for me to persevere and work through it. Clarity is what paves the way for you to align with fulfilment. It is the first dose of it, and ultimately for me, the reason why clarity feels like well being. 

 

Fulfilment & Wholeness

Forgiveness soothes the heart and acts as a barrier that keeps out the fire of resentment. It aligns one to stand with their authentic power, instead of comfort that deceives them from the realisation that they aren’t standing in it or worse have actually given it away.

Forgiveness is to give up the hope that the past could be any different and in managing that, we come to understand the present is all that we have and all that we need. To ensure a future, that encompasses the difference that was hoped for.

They say Forgiveness is to set free a prisoner only to find out that the prisoner was yourself. A prisoner, imprisoned from aligning with their truth. The kind of truth that swooshes past like a warm summer breeze. That whispers in spite of all that hurt you….. there is a part of your heart that remains pure (unblocked), that it is guarded by a part of you that wants to be acknowledged without shame or resistance. 

Only when we do acknowledge it, can we begin to finally heal and be free. Free from our own self judgment that has kept out the loving presence & truth of our soul. 

     ~~~~~~Reflection~~~~~~

After forgiveness, I found disappointment that left me sometimes feeling dejected & sometimes displaced. Some days ok…some days not so.

I prayed, asking Allah to reveal whats of benefit to me. To guide me to the root of what causes me re occurring imbalances and I realised  the feeling of disappointment that plagues my heart, carries a message asking me to acknowledge my truth unconditionally. 

And my authentic truth is that I don’t feel fulfilled. It’s like with this realisation came the death of what once was and the birth of a new adventure. That I don’t feel afraid of embarking upon.

Fulfilment is a gift no one can give you but yourself.  It requires the courage to not settle for anything less than what you know in your heart you deserve and prefer. The gps towards our  fulfilment is planted in the heart. The directions towards it are heard as intuition. 

Disappointment hurts because it is easy for the ego to infiltrate the space it squats in and take us down valleys of blame and judgment. Such valleys aren’t fulfilling when at times the ones we  judge and blame, we also love. (This includes ourselves) our emotional body will always reject falsehood with more feelings of discomfort. Truth settles in the heart, like a gentle swaying leaf lands where Allah willed for it to land. It doesn’t disturb through suffering, it just makes itself known.

We always have a choice to choose our stories, one of my biggest mistakes was to hope for those who I believe cared for me, write one worthy of me. In the parts where they were concerned or involved .

Until one day I realised not everyone who knows your worth also values it and quite often than not, it’s not even intentional not to. There could be distractions that ultimately have nothing to do with you. 

And perhaps that is one of life’s most difficult lessons, that Allah wishes to teach us. I.e Even though our expectations carry some proof of knowledge of our own self worth (as seen through what we expect that we feel is good for us). It also carries proof that we don’t value that good enough ourselves. Enough to give it to our selves, instead of waiting for it from others who either don’t care, or do but are distracted in myriad of ways.

Seeking what fulfils you reminds you to not settle. It is the bedrock of self love because it doesn’t allow you to unconsciously hand over your power by operating from a lack based mentality. A mentality that entraps you in a story where your fulfilment is absent and waited on, for it to be opted in, by others.  

I was guided to transmute the feeling of disappointment, into the authentic truth that I was witnessing unfulfilment. This simple mind shift empowers because it lies the onus of responsibility at your feet. 

Through it we can seek what fulfils us by moving away from what doesn’t first and foremost. The reoccurring imbalances end by one’s moving away from what doesn’t serve them, because what plagues the heart in grief, is given ample room to be healed and what doesn’t serve is always a clue as to what doesn’t fulfil.  

Staying in a vibration of disappointment leads to low vibrational feelings of sadness that the ego steers towards blame and judgment even towards your own self. 

When we acknowledge the deeper truth that a matter isn’t fulfilling. We land in our soul space that has been ready to take responsibility, for our lack of feeling un fulfilled. We align with our soul truth that wants to take us towards the paths that align with our fulfilment. 

If seeking fulfilment empowers, then it is because we are on the right track. It is because we aren’t giving away our power on the journey. It is because we aren’t choosing to let disappointment become our tent or our story.

It is because we are acknowledging our authentic reality, that this matter, this thing, this treatment, this place, this relationship, this job, this thought, this person or this plan, the way all this, currently is…Isn’t fulfilling me, something is missing and that matters. 

Deciding it matters is the essence of stamping value on your hearts resonance. On your needs which ultimately are you. When what matters is realised, so is it’s value. When value is truly acknowledged, your perception and how you move shift.

This spiral of clarity upwards leads to wholeness. If  the destination is wholeness, aligning with what fulfils you is the only way to get there. All other roads are mirages, illusions and ultimately dead ends.

Only you know what fulfils you, don’t deceive yourself. In life if we aren’t shifting due to the truth, we are looping due to unintentional self deception. 

Love over Fear

Lately I feel like I’ve been in another world going with the flow. A lot of intense energies bringing about a lot of purges. They keep hitting like tsunami waves. Leaving  as quickly as it came…..because ive not been fighting it. As soon as I see something coming up mid field I look within my heart and ask “what do you need?” listening lovingly to the answer it gives. There has been a lot of ‘sit down‘ & “rest for a moment” 

I mean it doesn’t even matter to me that I have to sometimes consciously look for a place to sit. All I care about is my  intent to honour what I need. So I need somewhere private, where in that moment I can just be at home with my emotions that’s fine not complicated anymore. However it wasn’t my norm,  I mostly pretty much use to treat feelings like a virus. All I want to do now is to follow my heart and honour its every need. As cliche as that sounds…..When I sit down I find it healing because whatever I feel passes through like a cool breeze on a hot summer afternoon. 

What this has done is freed up a lot of space within me. Space that resistance use to fill with false promise of safety or illusions of strength. Space that misunderstanding clogged up with restlessness and bulldozing of my own soul.

A lot of what I’ve been learning has centred around my needs it’s unbelievable.

~Awareness of my needs

~Acknowledging my needs

~Expressing my needs 

and the hardest of all…

~Honouring my needs.

There is a lot up in the air awaiting results or conclusions where my affairs are concerned I kid you not. But despite all of that, internally all I feel 80% of the time is harmony.

The current energies maybe intense but it is ushering us into a new world. I feel that strongly because for the first time in my life I’m not afraid of the unknown.  I’m on a plane of faith because only through divine grace…. in being taught what not to do, I’ve recieved the gift of knowing what to do.

Relief is contingent upon honouring your needs. Choosing to act through a base of love over fear. This choice requires that you follow a compass that points to meeting your needs before anything else.  

I use to hear a lot how we are co creators of our reality. I believe that so deeply because in every moment we make a choice through either love or fear.

Choose love, you know it’s a choice through love when it leads you to inner peace. When you act through listening to felt perception over mental noise.

The current energies are intense because this is the very lesson it’s grounding into our being. How varies for each and every one of us. It’s not just about a new beginning it’s an emotional re set. 

Breaking clean

I don’t resonate with some of the paths I’ve walked down or the conversations that took place in them.  It’s served what it came to serve and gifted me with new truths, values and ways of being. I’ve out grown the past because it’s fulfilled its duty to teach.

Be grateful if you can break clean.