3am Mind

You know today I was out walking and it suddenly dawned on me, the wisdom behind how my life in the past couple of years unfolded. As I listened to my egos whispering of what it would have loved to have done, with all that I’m cognisant of now. I smiled inwardly as I witnessed the subtle truth that though those musings made me chuckle, I loved more & wholeheartedly what Allah did.

Like I just can’t even fathom the immense wisdom behind his plan for me. The kind you can only connect, when you look back.

I genuinely believe certain swords in my back, were best left there for the divine himself to pull out. Rather than my ego which was the only way of life I was acustomed to before.

I know this would be the most gassed thing I probably could say about myself, but ever since I became consciously aware of my worth as a soul, I feel a sense of protection around who I share myself with and what I associate my self with. In all areas of my life, especially in the one thing that’s borrowed which is time. I couldn’t feel more content in sharing my life with the people in it and in the ways and things I now aspire to. 

It’s unbelievable to me that in all my years in this world, the criteria I judge worth by, finally is what’s worthy of me? Instead of an unconscious am I worthy.

I think what happened today was a silent ceremony where I was made to look at the swords from my past and with contentment buried it with gratitude accompanied by the remembrance of Allah. Gratitude for the space I needed that his way created. Space in which I was able to realise my soul and the expansive inner mansion it had for me….called home. 

The soul learns and transcends while the ego cares for right and wrongs. I don’t anymore.

Treasure Hunt & Soul Liberation

You don’t find your worth you find your knowing of it and nothing is the same after that moment.
Life does provide and pinpoint some knowledge regarding your worth, like all that is within your divine birth right and/or perhaps all that is reflected back to you by your loved ones.

With that said there is an ocean of difference between knowing your rights and coming into knowledge of your worth. That difference is highlighted in the magical feeling that accompanies the latter. It’s as though in that moment you realise yourself.
Something as simple as understanding you have a right to matter, is not the same as coming to know that you actually do

Finding your knowing of your worth leads to actual solid embodiment. You go beyond intellectually understanding and knowing about it.

You  find your knowing OF IT,  when this happens you MEET your true self. It’s the moment your physical temporal self merges with your soul self. Emotional stability is provision carried only by your soul it’s what you feel when you step into it, it’s the jacket you wear when you come to know OF your worth.  To find the knowing of your worth is akin to saying hello to your soul.

 It is Liberation

Grieve for what didn’t Happen.

It’s not easy to unconditionally accept all of your needs because it requires brutal truth about what they are. An experience of betrayal unfolding before you can be emotionally traumatic. You could be witnessing in a moment intentional cruelty. I read some where how one of the most over looked causes for emotional trauma is a ‘humiliating or deeply disappointing experience’…..certain events that lead to any of the above lead to trauma if it happened unexpectedly, if you were unprepared for it or if you felt powerless to prevent it.

What struck me most is the truth that such a cause is over looked. It isn’t something we associate trauma with. We are unconcious of the reality as it is experienced. It is over looked because we do not register it for what it actually is. This over looked cause of emotional trauma is actually the most common, that in itself is disturbing.

How many people are in the throes of emotional trauma and those around including themselves are non the wiser.

Awareness of trauma becomes diluted or  fogged out as one feels shocked, indenial or disbelief. There is confusion and disorientation in the mix. The symptoms of trauma are honed in on without necessarily realising, that the reality in the moment is you are traumatised by what just happened. The symptom isn’t the cause, the cause gives birth to the symptoms. You are in shock because you are traumatised. You are in disbelief because you’re traumatised. in denial and confused by what just happened because it traumatised you.

Feeling powerless to prevent an emotionally traumatic event, happens most when what shocks you are the actions of someone else, someone you didn’t want to experience such actions from. You see the choices one makes consisting of callousness towards you and total disregard for your honour or worth. You couldn’t prevent it because you do not have control of no ones actions but your self.

This is what makes your needs your true needs that weren’t met. Very RAW and vulnerable to accept. Your needs are all that is linked to what you hoped would have happened. Imagine giving shelter to those needs in your heart during or after the fact of an emotionally traumatic event.

This is why unconditionally accepting your needs and feelings isn’t an easy feat always and for most of us.

To accept them UNCONDITIONALLY is to be honest that you desired love when you were being shown disdain. You desired value when violation was aimed for, honour when humiliated by people who had a duty of care towards you. To accept your desire for safety when harmed is purity of heart. 

Its purity of heart because it stems from unconditional self love. Accepting your needs that weren’t met, to the ego is death because it was never rooted in self love to begin with. It’s root is in survival. The ego sees the antagonist as the enemy. It’s too soon or too raw to associate your true vulnerable needs to the antagonist. Fk the antagonist. When the ego doubles down on the story it takes you further away from self love. You swim in the illusion of protection the illusion of guarding yourself.

Why do we care to desire what we do from them? Is how the ego presents its case. But the question is warped in falsehood it doesn’t require an answer it requires a challenge with the truth.

I do not care to desire what I do from them, I CARE to desire it for myself. It’s what I deserve. It’s representative of my inherent worth.

This antagonist could have been your friend, your partner, a relative or your child. Before the traumatic event you were cool and then things went left. Just because the reality changed because of the choices made, doesn’t mean the heart did too.

So grieve for what you hoped that didn’t happen. Grieve the love, haq/truth, justice, and integrity you didn’t receive.

Grieve it’s absence just grieve.

It isn’t the same as grieving loss of a relationship with the antagonist. It’s simply grieving all that the betrayal replaced.

This is unconditionally accepting your needs. This is unconditional self love.

In grieving the above you acknowledge your worth & you stand in your power. The ego tells you in resistance you are strong. In rejection you have strategy. In judgement you understand. In shaming you are above and in blame you are establishing  boundaries

Healing starts the moment you accept what happened. There is no healing without unconditional self love & acceptance.

Grieve in the space grudge wishes to grow. You will find relief that replenishes you not resentment that keeps you locked in.

The Past & Owning your Story.

“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” -Brené Brown

Worthiness is hustled because you become disconnected from your worth when your story isn’t owned by you. The hustle happens within even though our worth neither increases nor decreases because it’s fixed in state since we are born with it. When our story isn’t owned our worthiness isn’t felt hence the internal  hustle for it and it isn’t felt because it’s blocked by shame. What does not owning your story mean? I am not referring to denial or delusion which is some of the ways people refuse to own their story. I am referring to not going within enough and thus missing the root of a matter that has hurt you.

What he/she they or society did is 10% of the story the other 90% is how it made you truly feel. That raw feeling inside that wants to address the kind of untruths about your self that you may even intellectually recognise for what it is, but for the life in you can’t fathom why its poison effects you still. Your story is your vulnerability. Owning that is how breakthroughs happen.

A breakthrough I believe is something that creeps up on you. It isn’t like a shift, a shift is part of a process, where in order for you to proceed on your journey its needed as fuel.  I feel a shift can be sensed and felt as it happens but a breakthrough you can’t. A shift is like a green light telling you to cross over to another side where the grass is green and the sky is bright. It’s a change in perception and a new found perspective about yourself and about life.

A breakthrough is a culimination of a matter that yesterday was hurting you and today you’ve realised you’ve gone passed its pain and entered a state of true inner peace. A breakthrough is the realisation that the hook that aligned you with the negative emotions of grief, sorrow, anger, shame and resentment that you felt has been removed, has been healed. Most mistake a shift for a breakthrough.

Breakthroughs are the true blessings in healing, it’s the ease after the hardship. It isn’t indifference to what happened it’s transcendence over it. For example you have alchemised the energy of pain into direction, grief into gaining your self, sorrow into self compassion. Anger into values that gave birth to solid boundaries. Shame into self empathy that made you switch lanes from that hazardous route shame set you upon most of your life. As for resentment? I believe it’s transmuted into wisdom the kind that ensures you do not end up making a u-turn back there, back where? To the places and things and people that didn’t honour your soul. To the energetic fields you entered unconsciously because you were separated and therefore neglectful of your own soul.

When you are in a healthy state of being i.e connected to yourself with no unconcious programmings sabotaging your flow. The past serves to reasonably inform the present. When you are not in such a state the past serves to hijack the present.

Why is the past informing the present so beneficial? Because life is continuous, it goes on and so situations that mirror or reflect matters, pertaining to what led to your spiritual growth in the first place do rear its head again in subtle ways.  These matters are opportunities to practice what you’ve learnt. To make your new substance part of your subconscious flow. The past can help with this as it contains intimate details of all the lessons you learnt, all the discoveries you made. The growths that occurred through the pain you chose to feel, heal and release.

As you go forward in life be grateful for the hooks Allah removed and continues to. Be grateful for his infinite wisdom and his grace that guided you to see, understand and recieve clarity about the things, that had he not guided you about, would have left you lost and stuck on a hamsters wheel.

You can only connect the dots when you look back and that is because the past is informing your present, your intuition is confirming and you are listening.  As new doors open, you find new truths that are gifts meant to carry you through to the next phase of your journey to self actualise. A phase of maturity, empowerment, deeper self love and acceptance.

Healing is a process that is deeply intimate and important. It can not occur with out self honesty, resilience and patience. As you venture out you will feel lighter because the old baggage is gone. When you feel heavy because of a new load (because life is continuous and there is so much more to learn) then it can be appreciated  and understood that the past informing the present is actually a present from Allah.  It’s a reminder of the things you found on the paths you took that facilitated your growth, your healing. Reminders benefit the faithful. 

I’ve learnt that there is no wrong path, for all paths traversed happened in order to teach something, reveal something. To add a layer of something needed, to you. Or to peel back a layer of something no longer required from you.

When the process of healing is bypassed in any way, the past pops up through memories that cause suffering through shame. That is how it hijacks the present.

“When we own our own stories, we avoid being trapped as characters in the stories someone else is telling.” -Brené Brown, Rising Strong

We also avoid being trapped in the stories we tell ourselves. The kind of stories that block you from receiving your own love and the love of those who love you. Because that’s how shame operates, like shaytan eating your food because you didn’t say bismillah and then wondering why you don’t feel that full. You are robbed and unaware of how  because you can’t see it externally nor can you compute it mentally as it happens.

When you own your story your character in that shame inducing story dies in your mind because it is in your mind that it is kept alive in the first place. When you own it, it becomes like that character in a tv series who exited in season 4.

Where did they end up? In the absence of shame they ended up with self empathy. They stopped defacing their soul. They own their intentions and their actions that they felt ashamed of because of how it was received or treated. Self empathy reminds them the shame narrative they attributed to their story is an illusion. Self empathy reminds them what was true from them, and how that is the only thing that matters. Only when you own your story do you get to transmute shame into empathy and compassion that leads to clarity and understanding. The soul structure intends to be built upon iron not straws.

The hooks fall off with the shame lensed glasses you took off. The past informs the present so they do not come back on. 

 

Missed Truth

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The only person you should worry about not acknowledging your worth is yourself…

Your worth is something you are born with. It is fixed in nature. It cannot be increased or decreased by you. So how is it that one can allocate to others, that which determines the measure of their worth….