The end in sight is left open ended just like it was in the beginning. The road ahead that felt so bumpy feels uneven as if it’s telling me to mind my step. The sensations in my body point to feelings of wanting to vomit. I hardly ate, reason reminds, there is nothing to vomit out chill inside…
My soul is lost in imagination with what it has collected and contained of new values and truths. It’s itching to go..im becoming aware that it can see something clearly…. as If it’s already energetically there…
The present moment feels powerful because of the substance my soul is there fiddling with. Ego noise is in the distant background concerned about an outcome and its current discomforts. It isn’t loud enough to distract, hijack, or even contaminate what’s going on.
I feel stuck in a 3D circumstance, but yet I’m free somewhere else I’ve never truly been in before? What’s going on with my soul. Why is it rearing and so itchy to go. like an Olympic racer about to sprint somewhere. Positioned past ready, frozen in set…and waiting for go. I’m marvelled by it all…when the rope tightens its about to snap. The opposite of faith isn’t doubt it’s certainty. The opposite of hope isn’t fear it’s security.
Oh Allah I surrender the outcome of my circumstance to you. I surrender the desire of my state in it too.
When the soul is the only expert on the ship, and its positioned itself for something that feels so so real…. summon courage to hold space for what inspired it. Even if you don’t fully understand it yet. There is nothing and then there is something, but above all there is the divine and his connect to your soul.
Truth feels light even if its point isnt pleasant I.e something that goes against you or a position you found comfort in. Truth isn’t heavy nor does it cause fatigue. What’s heavy and exhausting is ego narratives masquerading as truth. Whats heavy and exhausting is ego blocks that pull ones strings to resist truth.
Heaviness is a sign of absence of truth or contamination of it. What’s true feels light & the heart works in tandem with it. For me it compresses and tightens my chest as a way to communicate rejection of something and it releases its grip making way for inner peace to enter as an indication that all is now well. I.e I’ve adjusted a flaw. I call this process system error.
I find that the feeling of something being amiss communicates to me a truth is missing from an equation. Likewise my hearts compression and release activity, indicates my state of being in a moment accurately. I’m I one with the truth or have I prematurely received it? Is there more on this matter? If truth was 8 marbles did I pick up 10 or 7? 10 being symbolic for adding to the truth what’s not from it & 7, missing it by an inch yet not realise it. The compressions and release in my heart provide the answer.
My heart knows before my mind.
“I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.” ~Charles Cooley
The greatest gift you can give yourself is to take back your power of definition. The perception you have of yourself relies heavily on how you define things. How are you defining things? Is it based on a system of unconditional self love that houses your own values. Or a system of doubt that houses that of others?
If you have in any way let the opinions, truths, values and expectations of others guide or worse manage your reality. You need to take back your power of definition. Relinquishing that unconsciously is the root of the problem. A problem that can take years or even the good part of a life time for some to discover.
Your reality doesn’t hinge on things outside of you, if your heart doesn’t absorb something, it doesn’t. You can’t force it and you shouldn’t want to. Let the chips fall how it may, any cognitive dissonance that arises is Allah teaching you self trust. Your heart is your northern star not someone else’s listen to your own. Trust your own truth of who you are. Are you someone who has no agenda with truth? Are you someone who doesn’t lie to themselves and is open to growth however difficult? If yes then trust your heart and what it absorbs and doesn’t absorb .
Power of definition rests on trusting your hearts resonation. Especially when something is amiss, trust it even if it causes you turmoil. Clarity comes at dawn. leave the details behind implications of doing that, alone. The devil is in the detail for a reason, to get entangled in making sense of things, is how you lose your way to begin with.
We each have a system inside us that is sufficient to individually govern us. It’s unlocked by a key of self trust. A key you can’t access without unconditional self love.
Instead of scanning for an error in yourself as you are accustomed to. Trust your heart when it lovingly throws a middle finger up i.e when it stands firm against all odds. When it contradicts what you once held close. Firmness that doesn’t separate you from love is steadfastness.
Power of definition remains intact and whole when you let your heart define what is. Take off the lens that diverts you from stepping into your power of definition. It’s the mother of illusions. It Keeps one stuck in what was, as they miss what is. What is, is not threatened by what was. Not unless you are intolerant of the ebbs and flows of life.
I’m learning to listen to my hearts will, I’m learning that is to respect what it resonates with. I’m learning resonation is how it expresses its will. Im learning to accept that by recognising the ways that ego doesn’t cosign. In feeling the reasons behind it’s why, ive surrendered to my hearts will and feel alive.
I feel flooded with love because of this. It’s washing me inside out, its loving me first. It’s forgiving me with its carthartic hugs. I will no longer suppress its will to protect it from harm. As that cuts me off from feeling my own love. Trust the will of your heart it knows how to preserve its self. The egos protection harms it far greater than any outside force ever could. The heart requires aim to land true, aim through self trust.
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to surrender to was the unconditional flow of my feelings. Going past the initial sting of an emotion to feel and accept whats beneath it.
The heart travels through valleys of pain and lands in the present moment vibrant with hope & faith. When a heart breaks, it’s flow is being tampered with. For it to remain intact you’ve got to feel and let it flow, that is how healing happens.
“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness”
What attempted to corrupt my heart is what my soul pushed back against, with most of my strength. For the most part of my life I disliked its aversion to what I saw as protection. The result of that was to turn on my heart for blocking out corruption that I haphazardly saw as protection. Turned on it through blame, to me it didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why it had a will that held me back.
When your ego thoughts push you to level out pain and your heart blocks it from manifestation. It’s alive not corrupt, it’s refusing to be changed by outside influence. Even your own blame.
Your heart can’t be defined or directed by other than Allah. Trust what you feel through it even if you don’t yet understand. Trust what resonates with it even If it infuriates by blocking your path. Trust your truth, your inner knowing.
Trust the truths your heart absorbs, don’t resist, don’t force, just flow. Most importantly, approach these matters where you blame your heart for going against your ego whims ( because I realise now that’s exactly what it was doing) as a self reproaching soul. You can’t have a conscience and lie to yourself. Soul integrity is what leads to inner peace.
The sky is not my limit…I am
When someone is tested with dealing with doubts, they are inclined to believe or take on board what you present depending on where they’ve placed you. They may do that because they aren’t threatened by your heart. They park what’s said instead of throwing it away as their journey was about self trust in themselves not trust about you.
They aren’t inclined to reject or resist without understanding. Which is what gets things complicated when the person is being taught how to spot the difference between the soul of a person, that their heart trusts and their human self that is imperfect in what it sometimes does.
This is an important distinction to make and when you can’t due to doubts, you conflate matters and end up holding space for shit that don’t serve you. Anger is a feeling pointing out to you a boundary is violated or about to be. Shame is another feeling pointing out, how you are veering of course and where you should pause to realign yourself with your souls truth.
When you struggle to make the distinction above. You are at risk of failing to make or enforce boundaries you need. This is why Allah intervenes and removes people from ones life. He is doing what they couldn’t so that they may hop off the hamster wheel through divine mercy. They can connect the dots when they look back, after taking the lessons required from situations..
My doubt blocked me from doing what I needed at times because of how I compartmentalised my needs with that of others. (You make sacrifical your own, when a need for sacrifice comes up) I don’t resent those that I did that for anymore. At the time I thought they deserved it through how I read my compassion or care. I was wrong and that’s ok.