Patterns are directions….

……and only interesting when you observe them through feeling.  A major pattern I noticed in recent years is how I have no confidence in perpetrators behind manufactured mess with no rhyme or reason about me. It inconvenienced me the most, because I knew that they wouldn’t make themselves available to hear my truths. I’ve been mostly betrayed by cowards…the kind that put knives in my back. So as you can imagine making themselves available for confrontation was non existent on their list of what to do. To be honest even when some did I would be met with lies and gaslighting I’d see straight through. 

This type of reality really aggravated me inside, because it would summon up my own darkness. Due to feeling forced to experience  a reality that was out of my control. Even though I could accept when one is, I didn’t  understand why I was forced to experience it, in the ways that I did…..so I felt and observed my thoughts….

 ‘Perhaps there is something internal Allah is trying to teach me’…….I wondered, so I resigned myself to hold space for my soul, as it positioned me to receive whatever that may be.

I didn’t want to engage & have an affair with confusion which was the alternative. I rather I got myself ready for a date with clarity…..

The hardest thing for me, was to do nothing, when my ego wanted to do a whole load of something’s. The second hardest thing was for me to witness, the nonsensical envy I had towards my own self because of how easy I made doing nothing look in contrast to how it absolutely was not.

This led me to become aware that in these sort of circumstances, I was being forged by the flames of forbearance….

Forbreance is a quality in my fitra/natural disposition that I had unconcious resistance towards integrating.

I asked Allah the forbearer to bare witness….

~How it was always a lie and a slander used to taint me. ~ How I choose to accept his decree in this pattern of my reality with patience.

~How in understanding that, I can now accept playing the role of being a wound on some peoples tongues. Because im grateful they weren’t destined to be a wound in my heart.

I~will~never~be~a~victim……of fragile egos & corrupt bitter hearts.

I~will~always~use~ones~marad (disease of the heart)……to build awareness & self actualise.

& there is always the bigger picture, of having yowmul xisaab (day of accountability in the after life) to say what’s up? (and there is the inner peace that slowly permeates one’s soul as they heal and realise they no longer even want to)

Every lesson comes wrapped as a dilemma, there is always a part of us waiting for conscious integration. In order for me to integrate my attribute of forbearance, Allah exposed to me situations where it was needed and I’d be consumed by a form of discomfort because I wasn’t aligned with it.

Being tested with cowards that avoid valid confrontation, was ironically mirroring back, the forbearance I left unintegrated in myself because my ego deemed it a risk to its safety.  

Allah tailors the tests that come our way to build awareness. We have blind spots that he wills to unveil, so that we have sight where we once were blind.

I love when something goes full circle, now that I’ve integrated my forbearance, I choke up with raw emotion when ever I get an opportunity to use it. I realise wholeheartedly how every part of my fitra/authentic soul self is highly relevant. It frees me up to do in the situations where I apply forbearance; what my soul genuinely loves to do & that is to look on curiously at the nature of things.

Because I’m a curious soul who also believes that care is about quality. I don’t care about some things because I see no quality behind it. One of those things is the limitations cowards uphold. 

The cowards on my path thus were actually blessings in disguise. If they didn’t run, lie or gaslight I wouldn’t have felt the things that I did that over time formed a pattern that jolted me awake and made me  look inward. 

Its only when we look inward that we can move forward and it’s only when we accept something as is, that we can truly let go.

 

 

 

……

Like water

I remember resonating  a lot with Bruce lee’s quote “be like water my friend” when I was a teen, of course there was more to quote than just that. But it was that part specifically that left the most impression on me.

The full quote was…

You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend. ~ Bruce lee 

Only after I grew older, did it dawn on me just how profoundly this quote impacted me unconciously. It crystallised in meaning that permeated every fibre of my soul. Eventually I realised meaning was preserved and developed through various phases of my life. Because the quote was a sign, a clue about my authentic fluid nature. You can only connect the dots when you look back…
The freeing flow of the water was the opposite to the rigidity i’d lean towards, in the face of changes that I didn’t want. 
The freeing flow of the water was symbolic for all the fulfilment, my soul wanted to pursue but I’d resist because (insert blind spots that led to much self abandonment or fear of my true desires)
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…is your well being flowing through you and to you, no matter what your circumstance is. Just like this rock in the middle of no where, doesnt clog up the flow of the river passing through it. So too, when you follow what fulfils you will the rock not be a factor or obstacle to your harmony and flow.

To be like water my friend, acknowledge every facet of your being, especially your soul perceptions about things. 

It’s only when we ignore the latter (our soul perceptions) that we fall into judgements and then projections and then last but definitely not the least, we fall further away from acknowledging our true needs. 

Any disappointment like energy in life that you feel, can only be transmuted when you pursue what fulfils you. As the feeling of disappointment in ones present moment, is carrying the loyal mail telling you that you are not being fulfilled. See the rock is disappointment and the water is your fulfilment continuing to flow regardless of it.

When inner conflict gets in the way, it only gets in the way of your clarity coming in. That realisation serves as a great incentive for me to persevere and work through it. Clarity is what paves the way for you to align with fulfilment. It is the first dose of it, and ultimately for me, the reason why clarity feels like well being. 

 

Cut the Middle Man Out

If you don’t care about my peace of mind, I don’t feel valued by you…

That’s ok, just make sure to establish the peace you need yourself and to realise your feeling here, is sending a reminder. For you to remember who you are, so you can value it to do the above. 

If you feel a sense of abandonment or rejection  creeping up on you in any matter you are immersed in. Then know that the feeling is showing  you, that in that very moment you are not standing in the power of your value.

If you make that conscious connect, you shift because you remember your value & the feeling subsides, because you received what it came to give you.

When you see your feelings as messengers, you don’t run the risk of activating projections, that make you miss the loyal Mail. 

 

Spiritual Irony

The very people that help you with your greatest expansions, are also the very ones that you use, as your excuse not to go there.” Abraham Hicks

When you ‘go there’ you find that your power lies not in what you wish to prove or defend, but in what you know you don’t have to.

Confidence is acceptance of vulnerability. For any vulnerability you allow your self to feel, transmutes into the gift of invulnerability that introduces you, to the real you.   

Checkmate

I couldn’t truly love myself not until I realised & accepted the true reason behind why I was afraid to.

I find serenity in the type of melancholy that accompanies this realisation and around this sudden charge of courage I feel, that wants to go ahead….

Go ahead and love myself in spite of the subconscious fears that have sabotaged and unconsciously shut me off. Go ahead and love myself inspite and in awareness of those fears that promise me loss.

To Switch up on all that switched you off, trust the process of what divine love turns a light towardstrust the wisdom behind divine will that intends that light to become yours

 

Tell the Deep I’m new

The imperfect me wants to walk and speak free. Free from the shackles of shame imposed by the jungle laws that censored my heart and soul. 

Can I start again, who but god can deny me that…..will I get it right this time, who but god can truly know that…

This world really isn’t worth a can I or will I. I just want to be in it as a tourist and a witness. Flowing in peace and meeting others along the way with it. I am not hopeless just spiritually homeless and that’s because I know it’s not home. The imperfect you can exist in an imperfect world. This is an important truth I didn’t have the luxury of knowing when it mattered most.

I’m pregnant with a future I don’t know, exiting a past I’ve out grown and living in the current through love & hope. The rest irrelevant…

Happy to Inhale

‘Liberation is a state of freedom where the individual ego is eliminated and the true egoless state or the state of Self is cognized. Liberation is the feeling that exists in all of us, only it is hidden from our view. It is that something that stands behind us and is our real true life. 

If this is our own true and real Self, then why are we not experiencing this at all times? The reason is that our lower (false) self has created limitations which conceal the nature of our true and real existence. When these self-created limitations, which are artificial, are removed, then the Soul is realized. This is called the liberation of the soul.

When the ignorance and the misunderstanding of our true and real Self vanishes, then and then only does the real Self stand in its own true effulgence’

“The deliverance of the human from his self-created bondage, the glory of that which is beyond all grasp of thought, the happiness that is the very foundation of our existence, is nearer to us than anything of a physical nature.”

– Charlie Lutes