Sacred Convergence

I did what I did because I love me. In following my heart for eternity I’ll honour love…I’ll honour it enough for us both.

Self love is my compass & self doubt is misguidance. The only proof I have that what I did was the right thing to do, is in the inner peace I felt after I did it.

I don’t know where this path leads but in hope I have created a home. My soul occupies it with contentment, gratitude and love.

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Values

My values are extracted from everything I like and everything I dislike. As the two merge, through its debris I catch and collect my values.

I value love, truth, conceptual understanding,  connection and kindness. I value fairness, courage, composure, generosity, peace and justice.

I value integrity, consciousness, authenticity, faith, hope, laughter of kids and the dignity of my soul. I value my heart and the hearts of others. I value sound reason and discernment.

I value Allah and his grace & mercy that ground  my empathy. I value compassion and steadfastness. I value protection for the oppressed and the tears of the vulnerable.

I value patience and understanding, clarity and stability. I value relief for you and relief for me. I value spare time, my time, my worth and my life.

Through my values I took a second glance at my priorities. The lack of structure for it left me dumbfounded. Priorities are shaped by values. It doesn’t matter who’s took up your space. What matters is being aware, it matters that you now care. 

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Decisions are easier when made by your soul that is always motivated towards, all that is in accordance to your highest good. 

Integrating the Shadow part 3 ~Current energy~ chapter 2

“Accepting all the good and bad about someone. It’s a great thing to aspire to. The hard part is actually doing it.”
~Sarah Dessen

It’s hard because to do it you have to first accept what you deem ‘bad’ about yourself. One can’t do that without facing their shadow and inviting it home & to face your shadow in this aspect is a journey in and of itself.

For instance I think it’s hard for some people to ‘ accept’ the bad in others, because most people have been taught acceptance cannot occur with out micromanaging themselves. So Acceptance, for them  is experienced at the expense of partial loss or total loss of themselves.

There are a host of things that pave way for this fallacy. The pinnacle of them all is the subject of this blog entry. It is the belief that understanding means acceptance.

It doesn’t, understanding simply means understanding. It’s a state of being that occurs because one has awareness of a matter. They have insight about a matter so can exercise comprehension regarding it.

This insight or awareness helps cultivate sound judgement. Without sound judgement warped conclusions can be formed.

So understanding is an indication of tolerance if anything, not acceptance.  The confusion arises in that sometimes we accept what we understand (but that’s a whole other topic) in summary if I understand you that doesn’t mean I’m necessarily in agreement with you. Or have no opinions of my own about a matter as it relates to me as an individual. I can understand and support even if I don’t agree. Likewise I can understand and do nothing. Acceptance of this is to accept me as I am, as I stand how I am, unapologetically. 

You ever spoke to someone who genuinely shared with you something that goes against your ethos? Or even made you uncomfortable?  If you are aware that this person is expressing something about themselves and not you. You are well positioned to absorb the topic. It may be that in some way you get, why they did or wanted to do what ever they shared, that caused discomfort in you.

Despite your feelings you get it, because you understand the motivation. It may go against your ethos but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you understood their position.

What takes away from others is not their understanding, but their understanding being misconstrued as acceptance by the one who was understood, or by those who didn’t understand how they could understand.

I have situations coming to mind as I write this where Its even been claimed, that i was in agreement with something I never co signed simply because I showed understanding about it?

I would be told things akin to  “Even Gem understood” (statement made in context of defence towards another) Such statements in such contexts imply I was in agreement.  So my understanding that allowed me to have tolerance,  in the flip of a switch becomes a weapon used for securing validation.

Another scenario is when ones understanding is used to bring a charge of bias. A charge that sets out to limit the other by way of defence so the one charging you with something is spared from experiencing their own internal turmoil.

These are the kind of cases one can catch, on mere grounds of having an ability to understand something. There are other cases also, where lack or absence of understanding is attributed to, or presumed about someone, to explain away or absolve ones self of not having to deal with some tension or issue.  This undermines the other and is somewhat  offensive. 

With out self trust or unconditional self love one would be swept away under any of these circumstances. because their reality is somewhat ‘seized’. It isn’t left alone for them to govern.

The shadow side to any of the above effects occurring happen in two main folds

Firstly ones own relationship with understanding results in avoidance and dislike towards it. They at times develop the fallacy that to understand is to agree. Or If aware of that fallacy, they  see others tendency to presume agreement on account of understanding troublesome. If neither the worst is their innate attribute of being understanding is experienced as a burden.

This can lead them to inintentionally invalidating others because they opt to flee from their own feelings. Or they bring into equation all that goes against their ethos. When from a balanced state they would have understood  that a) it isn’t about them and b) there is no shame in their understanding, on the contrary it’s a good thing.

The other shadow side is resentment by way of perceiving an injustice at play or a delusion at play.

Personally I was prone to experience these shadow effects in different intervals, and able to integrate them. The latter shadow side however, I experienced the  most intensely. I made a decision to sit with how that part of me felt.

What I found at the root of it was a sense of feeling loss of control. The irony is the loss in itself is an illusion, because you never have control over anything other than yourself to begin with. So I looked deeper at what I felt loss of control about and the answer to that was fear of  not being able to effectively protect my ‘essence’  from possible contamination. This made me see the face of my shadow (so to speak) because the root to its anger, was connected to  threats to my integrity.  That was the contamination.  

I felt a sense of liberation about this realisation subhanallah because in essence it also integrated a huge aspect of my shadow. An aspect the ego would use to try assert itself,  this time it was acknowledged consciously, I allowed myself to witness it and really LISTEN to it.

This shadow aspect was the most intense to consciously witness, because it reflected the rejected part of me, I deemed inappropriate or ruthless? when all it did was govern my boundaries with firmness! Boundaries protect us and makes our essence known in the process. It draws the line in the sand for where we end and others begin. Without them contamination and infringement of (insert what means something to you) occurs.

The current energy as mentioned in a previous post (Here  ) has been working through me in terms of balance. Balance of mind body and soul. This harmonisation is the roof of my soul structure.

You can not integrate a shadow side without first witnessing the egos attempt to use its voice to assert itself and then from a concious place denying it access.

The sting you feel in that moment is a sign the ego is wounded. The effect of an ego death is more intense. I think there is a difference and it’s connected to how the ego entered equation to begin with.

If it “tried” or “attempted” to infiltrate and failed then it got wounded, the attempt is a sign of its lack of confidence in it being a done deal. That means it’s experienced ego deaths before.

If it comes through asserting itself with assurance and then dies, then that results in ego death. The assurance is a sign it’s not been knocked back before.

I digress, but after the sting, you find yourself wrapped in sakinah/calmness.

For me inner peace is safety and stability as it’s a sign of mercy from Allah that I instantly recognise. Inner peace is my souls approval, it’s a message that I’m home in this moment, safe and whole.

(Side note) I wrote integrating the shadow parts 1 & 2 (Here & Here) last year august. I had an intent to finish with a part 3, but it collapsed mid way on me. I intuitively knew it was because I didn’t have the missing pieces to the puzzle, and pieces existed. So I shrugged and parked it. Whatever I wrote at the time was lost. In my heart I knew at the right time it will find itself. Tonight I was guided to complete it, without even realising I was. According to my soul structure I embody and then get taught what I’ve embodied after. To own your shadow in its various forms is to find balance between mind body & soul.

The shadow is connected to all. Through the emotional body it leaks to make its presence known. Through the mind it infiltrates its voice and through the soul, lys the connect to and yearn for home.

 

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To Allow Transformation is to show Gratitude…

…To allow resistance to persist is ingratitude.

I’ve had a different relationship with my feelings in the recent past, that didn’t extend much past understanding its purpose and committing to being open to all that it entails. Understanding the purpose behind my feelings has been something I’ve been nurturing for the most part of the past year.

My new relationship with my emotions was born this month. It came through embodying that aforementioned understanding consciously and respectfully from a soul space. It came through being granted the gift and blessing of self trust, that firmly said It is only me, who has authority to define, dress and claim what my feelings are factually. Because my feelings are real and the bedrock of my reality.

Others can make suggestions about it that can be considered, but aside from Allah, you are the only one who actually knows what’s true about you or for you and what’s not.

That shift was huge for me and the turmoil behind it all set pace for many realisations that led to much growth in areas I didn’t consider much (I had my reasons)

My balance during that shift was strengthened through witnessing seeds of hope I planted elsewhere.  It’s manifestation reinforced my courage to trust myself,  because it was the last thing I acted through, before witnessing all that I did in the past week concerning my mirror soul.

My Self trust didnt have to =  risk of disapointment or destruction. (Although for the longest time it unconsciously did)

What my self trust = to is my autonomy (full stop) whatever that results in good or bad, at least was led or chosen by me for reasons I can be proud of any other time. Even if it didn’t produce what I intended that time!

Self trust accompanied by unconditional self love is a must. It would be stabbed with shrapnel of doubt without it. Which is what leads to unconscious self abandonment.

If you ever have a problem with connecting to your emotions, a dislike for being misconstrued or not understood.
 Then there is a broken heart at the root of it, where your truth or narrative was hijacked or got contaminated with what wasn’t from it in a authoritative manner, at some point in your life. 

The problem with not connecting to your emotions leads to being detached from it, because unconsciously you blamed your feelings for the shame you felt because the logic is, your feelings led to you expressing what ever you felt was shamed or saw was shamed. The feelings are what led you down a path that didn’t reward your effort in the way you had hoped.
So you dislike being misconstrued because it’s a reminder that pokes the wound.

You fear not being understood because it’s the stage before being misconstrued.
It’s a chain connect, its all intwined because during the birth of the wound, the impact was great. You felt diminished by what ever the circumstance was. Even if you weren’t diminished, you felt that way so you became acquainted with powerlessness as a result in moment, perhaps to complicate it even more, you were confused by it all too. (It’s overwhelming especially for a child)

Whats astonishing is how the soul doesnt feel a need to defend, truth doesn’t need defence. The ego is what expands its structure to serve the wound through survival instead. (Expanded because unless it’s a core wound, it would make space for other huge ones too).

In any case the ego defends, not to stand up against the original cause of a wound so that you can transmute and heal. But rather so that you don’t become concious of it, you don’t experience it.
Those who say to heal a wound don’t poke it, speak through ego philosophy.
 To touch it or let it be touched & then to fully experience the emotions that arise. Is to find direction to your healing. Asking for it to not be poked assuming it would heal because poking is understood as risk of infection and tampering with no benefit achieved is to play yourself.

When you heal the original wound by experiencing it consciously as directed by your emotional body. All that’s connected to it dissolves. I feel for the most those disconnected from their emotions. They are from me as I was from them in many ways. (I believe growth is continuous there is always something new to learn)
Never the less the fact that I can say “was from” in relation to disconnection of emotions now, is in itself highly telling of how merciful kind and patient Allah has been with me alhamdulilaah.

To decree for us his grace, to reinforce us with patience as we come to recognise it, only for him to lead us to gratitude because of it. All so he can continue to increase us in blessings?

His mercy, I feel however I try to describe it, words can’t do it justice.

Part of gratitude is to allow transformation because the root behind his will, if he puts you on a path to self actualise is to achieve that.

Transformation from all that isnt of you back to all that is, your natural disposition that he fashioned and created whole.

Resistance wills to preserve the false self. So it meets Allah’s signs of grace & mercy with ingratitude.

When the Mirror reflects back Self~ Love

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I originally wrote some of this post two years ago, I wrote from a base in my mind and any emotion that leaked were gentle clues left behind by my soul. I felt repulsed by what I shared and those leaks were pointing out to me the why. It was because I  was missing in essence. I edited 80% of original post. Could have just started a fresh one but it’s in going back to finish what I started, that at the end gave birth to a much needed realisation. A post I privatised led to a revelation, how ironic.

Self love ~ the jacket that keeps me warm

~💎~

The first true lesson of self love I’ve learnt was seeking wholeness outside of ones own self,only attracted more incompleteness. This is true in any area of life where wholeness is sought elsewhere.

The second lesson was in connection to the imbalance I felt in regards to my ability to love others unconditionally but failing short when it came to myself. The journey behind the realisation of this was in part surprising and unsettling. I think I’ve asked myself for forgiveness a lot. And I’ll never forget the moment when I accepted it.

My embodiment of self love required I find balance inside myself. There were distortions in the things I perceived. Often the kind that hurt me…there was dysfunction in what manifested around me. Often the type that left me in constant search for relief.

What doesn’t make me happy? What ebbs away at my comfort? What makes me feel unhealthy. Any reality experienced that bought me into alignment with answers to the above questions. I began to see as realities that required my attention, in it my wellbeing was neglected.

Negative and limiting beliefs are all energy. Not tangible even if it caused me some harm I found solace in the deeper knowing, that it’s harm isn’t tangible. I thought being positive was focusing on what did make me happy, gave me comfort and made me feel healthy. Everything else I intellectualised as either, it’s not all about me or it’s just life.

I took pride in my inability to connect to my feelings. Believed it was emotional agility, a sense of control. But there were always signs that something was amiss. For me the biggest was my resentment towards understanding. So unconsciously the first fragmented piece of my soul to occur was disconnection from my humanity towards myself.

I began to measure how I felt about myself in correlation to what made me feel an emotion to begin with.If someone I cared about let me down, I felt disappointment or resentment. It was pretty simple, I felt how I felt because of what someone else did. So if they didn’t do it I wouldn’t feel it…

The concept of my feelings being a guide carrying messages that wanted me
to see, a reality that didn’t align with me, or one that did that I should have been going towards, was alien to say the least. But it was the breakthrough I needed where a journey of making the unconscious concious led me to.

The inner fulfilment I lacked I compensated for by helping to cultivate fulfilment in others. If I was a santa clause I guess my bag carried the gift of relief.

I swear it I would give from it to anyone, the underdog, the stranger, those I loved. It didn’t discriminate. I didn’t discriminate. Giving made me feel happy. I believed in love for others what you love for yourself. I loved nothing more than relief.

Despite my giving nature, I didn’t believe the love I received because I didn’t receive my own.

Aside from some fleeting moments over all I always felt dispensable, disposable, like an after thought. No matter what love was shown to me I couldn’t fathom or receive it emotionally. I showed intellectual appreciation for it, of course.

Feeling dispensable was a divine sign that contradicted my reality so that I could see how I treated my soul. It was a subtle clue that something was amiss inside.

Now on god and everything about him I love, my soul is all I need. The relief I sought after all my life was inner peace, and inner peace is nothing but the souls language of approval.

In hindsight I thought I needed relief when what I actually was looking for was my souls approval. How can it approve when I was blind to the fact that I lived a reality that felt it could do with out it. When I treated as dispensable?

Perspective is everything, and a sound one requires to be present in a moment. To allow meaning to rise from the shadow behind stillness. Dysfunctional perspective born through disconnection from ones emotional body leads to non fulfilment, because it navigates through misunderstandings.

When you misunderstand your needs, you don’t get to complete yourself, when you are not complete in yourself. You seek it elsewhere. When you seek it elsewhere you do not arrive at fulfilment.

Wholeness is found within, in you. Not in him, her, or this and that.

Our soul along with destinies plan will always set us up with others and situations that mirror back to us all that we are meant to learn. This is how growth occurs and growth opportunities arrive through trials and/or turbulence.

I would have turbulence for breakfast a lot. Almost became disensitised to it. Yet learnt much from it. I was
nourished by what I ate…

The wisdom behind situations that are turbulent, shines light on ones vulnerability. Vulnerability for me was needed for my soul to emerge and make its case known. Its the only time my mind kneeled to its true master, hoping for it to lead the way. The connect with Allah is through the soul for a reason. Vulnerability is a need and Allah is the one who fulfills it, hence why the soul communicates with Allah through it.

The problem I had with feeling vulnerable was when I felt it I looked outward not within. I saw the effect as existing due to the cause. So towards the cause I felt sad, righteous anger, hurt, frustrated and or at times even defeated. The kind of emotions I didn’t want to experience.

The ultimate plan is purification to reach our one true home. I’ve learnt that embodiment of self love assists purification in the deepest way. When a person has self love their soul leads the way undistracted. Because self love connects directly to the soul. Our soul is the only part of us that’s eternal and motivated towards completion,towards wholeness. When we separate from self love we separate from it.

In shedding the negatives that stemmed from my own ego blocks, albeit not a journey that was easy. Much of it was done through choosing instinct over culture. Between what you know that doesn’t add up and what you feel that’s trying to lead you somewhere.

To embody harmony energetically with all that’s good for us we have to first energetically not resist what doesn’t feel good to us. What doesn’t align with our wellbeing, what doesn’t replenish it, are all signs of what doesn’t serve our highest self. Signs of absence of Self love, a sign of soul disconnect.

Self accountability for and about this absence of self love is the second step towards harmony. Deconstruction of what doesn’t serve, without being followed up by construction of what does makes no practical sense.

Understanding self love intellectually doesn’t mean one is operating through it. Wholeness  outside of oneself is a mirage and always will be. The embodiment of unconditional  self love leads to harmony because in stead of running into a mirage, you run into a new dimension where the reality is actually real. The reality is manifested from a soul space.

You can hear all the right things from those who love you, but its nothing in comparison to feeling, believing and seeing the same about you, yourself.

You can seek relief a million ways, but to confuse giving yourself to others as lending yourself to others, is to end up in a loop where you keep missing the mark. What we seek is seeking us, the relief I wanted, my soul was trying to give me all along.

The human patterns I took on in life for myriad of reasons, Carried with it colours of positivity and negativity. Embodiment of self love happened when I looked in the mirror and faced the negative energies and blasted through them to the core.

Clearance of that leads to true self love.
Clearance of my blocks led me to a prison that barricaded my soul.

I didn’t free it, it was always free, my mirror soul told me that and much more that always made me wonder. What I freed instead was my false self from the illusions it believed. From its perceived false reality. From its auto sub concious activity. As it invited me to acknowledge it’s fears I found liberation in responding with “that isn’t my pain, that isn’t my fear”

I believed (only through experience) that my flaws were perfect for the hearts that were meant to love me, (and now I also believe, again because of experience) that I am one of those hearts to myself.

The only thing that repulses me now is putting another first whilst I indirectly place myself second and worse teach others I am ok with that position.

I choose myself because I understand now how to.

” And I did not put you in difficulty so as to harm you, but rather, that I may complete my favour upon you. So that you be of those who are grateful” ~Surah maida ayah 6

I’m grateful..the lesson behind the resistance towards embodiment of my self love was revealed. Through me seeing the fulfilment, that I was blocked from trying to give another, was simply mirroring back the fulfilment I lacked in giving to myself.

Allah works in mysterious ways and cultivates understanding through that way.

What I understand now I don’t resent because truth bought in the correct substance in divine timing. Gift wrapped and packaged with mercy tailor made for me.

Mood Board

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Mood board about me~

The only time I get lost in something is if it holds potential to teach me something about myself. Something in my unconscious world that holds answers to things I feel but can’t always mentally compute….“Don’t study me you won’t graduate”

Change

“Change often disrupts the social order some rely on for their self esteem.” (Ed Latimore)

When a heart is pure it realises that existence of any disruptive feelings are communicating something profound. They sit with it, remain mellow with it, until they hear the message they were being led to hear. These people are rewarded with substance as a result of this. They may feel change to be disruptive, but they see it as a catalyst for growth. It’s divine intervention and they welcome its fruits home.

The wonders of what they discover about themselves carry appreciation wrapped in hope. From paradigm shifts that pave way for new possibilities and fundamental changes to the self esteem they’ve cultivated through unconscious programming.

A reality out side of you can never reflect back to you, your truth about you. (It can give you hints yes) but where facts are concerned it can not communicate the hows or whys. So how would you recognise your truth outside of you?
How, when you are yet to detangle it from within, from what’s yours and all that never was.

Mystery is amazing when cracking its code. For it leads to the discovery of the fragmented pieces of your abandoned soul.

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” (Anatole France)

And it takes courage to decide to die to it, rising from your ashes can’t happen without it.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” (Deepak chopra)

Be still in the midst of confusion and disorder. For after a storm comes clarity and order. The kind that works in tandem with your highest self for your highest good.