I originally wrote some of this post two years ago, I wrote from a base in my mind and any emotion that leaked were gentle clues left behind by my soul. I felt repulsed by what I shared and those leaks were pointing out to me the why. It was because I was missing in essence. I edited 80% of original post. Could have just started a fresh one but it’s in going back to finish what I started, that at the end gave birth to a much needed realisation. A post I privatised led to a revelation, how ironic.
Self love ~ the jacket that keeps me warm
The first true lesson of self love I’ve learnt was seeking wholeness outside of ones own self,only attracted more incompleteness. This is true in any area of life where wholeness is sought elsewhere.
The second lesson was in connection to the imbalance I felt in regards to my ability to love others unconditionally but failing short when it came to myself. The journey behind the realisation of this was in part surprising and unsettling. I think I’ve asked myself for forgiveness a lot. And I’ll never forget the moment when I accepted it.
My embodiment of self love required I find balance inside myself. There were distortions in the things I perceived. Often the kind that hurt me…there was dysfunction in what manifested around me. Often the type that left me in constant search for relief.
What doesn’t make me happy? What ebbs away at my comfort? What makes me feel unhealthy. Any reality experienced that bought me into alignment with answers to the above questions. I began to see as realities that required my attention, in it my wellbeing was neglected.
Negative and limiting beliefs are all energy. Not tangible even if it caused me some harm I found solace in the deeper knowing, that it’s harm isn’t tangible. I thought being positive was focusing on what did make me happy, gave me comfort and made me feel healthy. Everything else I intellectualised as either, it’s not all about me or it’s just life.
I took pride in my inability to connect to my feelings. Believed it was emotional agility, a sense of control. But there were always signs that something was amiss. For me the biggest was my resentment towards understanding. So unconsciously the first fragmented piece of my soul to occur was disconnection from my humanity towards myself.
I began to measure how I felt about myself in correlation to what made me feel an emotion to begin with.If someone I cared about let me down, I felt disappointment or resentment. It was pretty simple, I felt how I felt because of what someone else did. So if they didn’t do it I wouldn’t feel it…
The concept of my feelings being a guide carrying messages that wanted me
to see, a reality that didn’t align with me, or one that did that I should have been going towards, was alien to say the least. But it was the breakthrough I needed where a journey of making the unconscious concious led me to.
The inner fulfilment I lacked I compensated for by helping to cultivate fulfilment in others. If I was a santa clause I guess my bag carried the gift of relief.
I swear it I would give from it to anyone, the underdog, the stranger, those I loved. It didn’t discriminate. I didn’t discriminate. Giving made me feel happy. I believed in love for others what you love for yourself. I loved nothing more than relief.
Despite my giving nature, I didn’t believe the love I received because I didn’t receive my own.
Aside from some fleeting moments over all I always felt dispensable, disposable, like an after thought. No matter what love was shown to me I couldn’t fathom or receive it emotionally. I showed intellectual appreciation for it, of course.
Feeling dispensable was a divine sign that contradicted my reality so that I could see how I treated my soul. It was a subtle clue that something was amiss inside.
Now on god and everything about him I love, my soul is all I need. The relief I sought after all my life was inner peace, and inner peace is nothing but the souls language of approval.
In hindsight I thought I needed relief when what I actually was looking for was my souls approval. How can it approve when I was blind to the fact that I lived a reality that felt it could do with out it. When I treated as dispensable?
Perspective is everything, and a sound one requires to be present in a moment. To allow meaning to rise from the shadow behind stillness. Dysfunctional perspective born through disconnection from ones emotional body leads to non fulfilment, because it navigates through misunderstandings.
When you misunderstand your needs, you don’t get to complete yourself, when you are not complete in yourself. You seek it elsewhere. When you seek it elsewhere you do not arrive at fulfilment.
Wholeness is found within, in you. Not in him, her, or this and that.
Our soul along with destinies plan will always set us up with others and situations that mirror back to us all that we are meant to learn. This is how growth occurs and growth opportunities arrive through trials and/or turbulence.
I would have turbulence for breakfast a lot. Almost became disensitised to it. Yet learnt much from it. I was
nourished by what I ate…
The wisdom behind situations that are turbulent, shines light on ones vulnerability. Vulnerability for me was needed for my soul to emerge and make its case known. Its the only time my mind kneeled to its true master, hoping for it to lead the way. The connect with Allah is through the soul for a reason. Vulnerability is a need and Allah is the one who fulfills it, hence why the soul communicates with Allah through it.
The problem I had with feeling vulnerable was when I felt it I looked outward not within. I saw the effect as existing due to the cause. So towards the cause I felt sad, righteous anger, hurt, frustrated and or at times even defeated. The kind of emotions I didn’t want to experience.
The ultimate plan is purification to reach our one true home. I’ve learnt that embodiment of self love assists purification in the deepest way. When a person has self love their soul leads the way undistracted. Because self love connects directly to the soul. Our soul is the only part of us that’s eternal and motivated towards completion,towards wholeness. When we separate from self love we separate from it.
In shedding the negatives that stemmed from my own ego blocks, albeit not a journey that was easy. Much of it was done through choosing instinct over culture. Between what you know that doesn’t add up and what you feel that’s trying to lead you somewhere.
To embody harmony energetically with all that’s good for us we have to first energetically not resist what doesn’t feel good to us. What doesn’t align with our wellbeing, what doesn’t replenish it, are all signs of what doesn’t serve our highest self. Signs of absence of Self love, a sign of soul disconnect.
Self accountability for and about this absence of self love is the second step towards harmony. Deconstruction of what doesn’t serve, without being followed up by construction of what does makes no practical sense.
Understanding self love intellectually doesn’t mean one is operating through it. Wholeness outside of oneself is a mirage and always will be. The embodiment of unconditional self love leads to harmony because in stead of running into a mirage, you run into a new dimension where the reality is actually real. The reality is manifested from a soul space.
You can hear all the right things from those who love you, but its nothing in comparison to feeling, believing and seeing the same about you, yourself.
You can seek relief a million ways, but to confuse giving yourself to others as lending yourself to others, is to end up in a loop where you keep missing the mark. What we seek is seeking us, the relief I wanted, my soul was trying to give me all along.
The human patterns I took on in life for myriad of reasons, Carried with it colours of positivity and negativity. Embodiment of self love happened when I looked in the mirror and faced the negative energies and blasted through them to the core.
Clearance of that leads to true self love.
Clearance of my blocks led me to a prison that barricaded my soul.
I didn’t free it, it was always free, my mirror soul told me that and much more that always made me wonder. What I freed instead was my false self from the illusions it believed. From its perceived false reality. From its auto sub concious activity. As it invited me to acknowledge it’s fears I found liberation in responding with “that isn’t my pain, that isn’t my fear”
I believed (only through experience) that my flaws were perfect for the hearts that were meant to love me, (and now I also believe, again because of experience) that I am one of those hearts to myself.
The only thing that repulses me now is putting another first whilst I indirectly place myself second and worse teach others I am ok with that position.
I choose myself because I understand now how to.
” And I did not put you in difficulty so as to harm you, but rather, that I may complete my favour upon you. So that you be of those who are grateful” ~Surah maida ayah 6
I’m grateful..the lesson behind the resistance towards embodiment of my self love was revealed. Through me seeing the fulfilment, that I was blocked from trying to give another, was simply mirroring back the fulfilment I lacked in giving to myself.
Allah works in mysterious ways and cultivates understanding through that way.
What I understand now I don’t resent because truth bought in the correct substance in divine timing. Gift wrapped and packaged with mercy tailor made for me.