It’s too late to apologise?

Actually not when you do it right for example…

“….I won’t ask for your forgiveness, my lack of you is my deepest illness…..” 

Jokes aside the above is an excerpt of the original poem written by the author Klaudio Marashi. I liked it not because I like to see someone suffer for a wrong they did but more so because of the remorse it shows.

It got me wondering about apologies and how what qualifies one as sincere varies from one person to another. 

I realised the apologies that most touch my soul are those that…

A) contain accountability~ so when receiving the apology I can feel the other person understands what they’ve done wrong.

B) Shows honour for me~ so when receiving I can feel my value as (insert what I am to you) reflected back to me.

c) Invokes & invites a renewal of trust through unspoken vulnerability.~ so when receiving I can see something valuable you’ve put forward.  This kind of unspoken vulnerability is felt energetically. One can simply stand there and apologise and I’ll know the above is there either in that moment or because of how things unfold. It’s vulnerable because the person has genuine intentions to do right & right their wrongs but their history taints. So though they wish they could earn your trust again, they entertain reason in any skepticism that exists as understandable.  

D) Change ~ So when receiving I can be happy knowing what happened wasn’t in vain. Perhaps the one who hurt me grew as a result. 

I have a gift in being able to grasp the essence in things and an apology where any of the above exist (the more the better) are the only apologies I feel worth allowing into my space. 

That is because such apologies take courage and character to deliver. It’s never too late to apologise because such apologies carry the gift of healing for the one you hurt and for yourself. 

I was able to discern this because I’ve accepted apologies in the past where those things that matter to me above weren’t felt or honoured by me, I wasn’t conscious of it not being. Sure things were said that can be put into categories A & B. But in essence I knew it didn’t satisfy me organically. It’s as though the person wasn’t ripe with it and in accepting the apology I kind of felt compelled to reward tangible effort. 

Which Inadvertently taught me one of the greatest lessons I’ve learnt to date and that is accepting an apology,  is a personal choice guilt or shame should have no say in. If it’s not in alignment don’t bulldoze your soul to conform.

Unconditional self love becomes fragmented when you step out side of your self to tend to presumed needs of another. That is because to embody unconditional self love you must acknowledge all of your needs.

Hence why holding space for yourself should take priority over you holding space for the one apologising. Their feelings are not your responsibility yours are, because their feelings are meant to  guide them and yours are meant to guide you. 

True Apologies are more than just sorry, they are a mark of a paradigm shift, an energetic re set, a change in vibration. It’s a mark of courage in the one giving it and also a mark of nobility for the one who accepts it

I respect this space that cultivates courage and summons nobility in people. Deal with apologies according to your values.

 

Love over Fear

Lately I feel like I’ve been in another world going with the flow. A lot of intense energies bringing about a lot of purges. They keep hitting like tsunami waves. Leaving  as quickly as it came…..because ive not been fighting it. As soon as I see something coming up mid field I look within my heart and ask “what do you need?” listening lovingly to the answer it gives. There has been a lot of ‘sit down‘ & “rest for a moment” 

I mean it doesn’t even matter to me that I have to sometimes consciously look for a place to sit. All I care about is my  intent to honour what I need. So I need somewhere private, where in that moment I can just be at home with my emotions that’s fine not complicated anymore. However it wasn’t my norm,  I mostly pretty much use to treat feelings like a virus. All I want to do now is to follow my heart and honour its every need. As cliche as that sounds…..When I sit down I find it healing because whatever I feel passes through like a cool breeze on a hot summer afternoon. 

What this has done is freed up a lot of space within me. Space that resistance use to fill with false promise of safety or illusions of strength. Space that misunderstanding clogged up with restlessness and bulldozing of my own soul.

A lot of what I’ve been learning has centred around my needs it’s unbelievable.

~Awareness of my needs

~Acknowledging my needs

~Expressing my needs 

and the hardest of all…

~Honouring my needs.

There is a lot up in the air awaiting results or conclusions where my affairs are concerned I kid you not. But despite all of that, internally all I feel 80% of the time is harmony.

The current energies maybe intense but it is ushering us into a new world. I feel that strongly because for the first time in my life I’m not afraid of the unknown.  I’m on a plane of faith because only through divine grace…. in being taught what not to do, I’ve recieved the gift of knowing what to do.

Relief is contingent upon honouring your needs. Choosing to act through a base of love over fear. This choice requires that you follow a compass that points to meeting your needs before anything else.  

I use to hear a lot how we are co creators of our reality. I believe that so deeply because in every moment we make a choice through either love or fear.

Choose love, you know it’s a choice through love when it leads you to inner peace. When you act through listening to felt perception over mental noise.

The current energies are intense because this is the very lesson it’s grounding into our being. How varies for each and every one of us. It’s not just about a new beginning it’s an emotional re set. 

Centered & Tempered

I don’t want to fight anymore not because I feel worn out and weak, but because deep in my heart I feel the process of it is a distraction that doesn’t serve me.  The stability I crave is in my heart already and through Allah alone I feel and experience it. I only want to ‘do’ from a grounded place of necessity not a scattered place of urge and restlessness.

I want to walk into my destiny not arrive in it with battle wounds. Looking into my heart ive found what truly bothered it, was me being in a position to fight for me. I had to pause and reflect on what that meant to me, it meant everything.

There is no feeling greater than being healed and washed by your own heart. There is no awe greater than what I felt through that feeling, other than the awe I feel for Allah

I don’t view ‘doing’ the way I use to, I can’t after all that I’ve been through. I rather retire to divine will and love. Where I receive divine wisdom that teaches me the true meaning of trust in him and all its related branches that teach trust in myself. What’s more all the fruits its tree drops, sprouting from seeds of hope, faith, reliance and love.   

What can they do to me when my stability is grounded in my heart? What power does my associative fears wish for me to lack standing in; when the decree is already written and what’s certain is I will meet it.

My ego is wounded and I see it’s need for me to tend to it like a nurse; but it’s best it dies in this tunnel too, because wanting to thrive and not survive is what I choose.

I felt afraid to be ok in the space, my heart said ‘don’t do’ just ‘be’

Ive learnt the whys about that in many ways but most trying was to embody it in the face of pressing hardship. In the turmoil is where we find and shine light, on all the blocks that stand in the way of true reliance upon the divine.

I’ve fought all my life because I couldn’t see and now that I do, I can’t believe how I fought through the mind and never my heart.

That realisation is healing for me as it presents an alternative to finessing my rights. An alternative I’ve never thought to seek. 

When you are facing hardship waiting for the ease to come from Allah, is the best worship.

In waiting you get to tend to the parts of yourself you’re accustomed to abandon. In waiting you heal and bring into balance both your feminine and masculine energy. In waiting you align with divine will & timing with pure understanding of reliance and freedom from all attachments.

The ease then creeps up on you as a breakthrough from another soul draining labyrinth. As the heart centers you, the soul tempers you. Allah is the connect that guides to make that possible. To have him is to have everything

Synergise

True safety is found not through compensating for your deepest insecurities and fears but through comforting them. These aspects represent your child self that hasn’t been integrated into your adult consciousness because of your self antagonism, and that child desperately wishes to find a home in your heart. 

Synergise with your inner child 

Happy to Inhale

‘Liberation is a state of freedom where the individual ego is eliminated and the true egoless state or the state of Self is cognized. Liberation is the feeling that exists in all of us, only it is hidden from our view. It is that something that stands behind us and is our real true life. 

If this is our own true and real Self, then why are we not experiencing this at all times? The reason is that our lower (false) self has created limitations which conceal the nature of our true and real existence. When these self-created limitations, which are artificial, are removed, then the Soul is realized. This is called the liberation of the soul.

When the ignorance and the misunderstanding of our true and real Self vanishes, then and then only does the real Self stand in its own true effulgence’

“The deliverance of the human from his self-created bondage, the glory of that which is beyond all grasp of thought, the happiness that is the very foundation of our existence, is nearer to us than anything of a physical nature.”

– Charlie Lutes

 

Grieve for what didn’t Happen.

It’s not easy to unconditionally accept all of your needs because it requires brutal truth about what they are. An experience of betrayal unfolding before you can be emotionally traumatic. You could be witnessing in a moment intentional cruelty. I read some where how one of the most over looked causes for emotional trauma is a ‘humiliating or deeply disappointing experience’…..certain events that lead to any of the above lead to trauma if it happened unexpectedly, if you were unprepared for it or if you felt powerless to prevent it.

What struck me most is the truth that such a cause is over looked. It isn’t something we associate trauma with. We are unconcious of the reality as it is experienced and we do not even register it for what it actually is. This over looked cause of emotional trauma, is actually the most common, that in itself is disturbing.

I mean how many people are out there in the very throes of emotional trauma and those around them witnessing it, including themselves are non the wiser? 

Awareness of trauma becomes diluted or  fogged out as one feels shocked, indenial or disbelief. There is confusion and disorientation up in the mix, because the symptoms of trauma are honed in on without necessarily realising, that the reality in the moment is you are traumatised by what just happened….

The symptom isn’t the cause, the cause gives birth to the symptoms. So you are in shock because you are traumatised. You are in disbelief because you’re traumatised. In denial and confused by what just happened because it traumatised you.

Feeling powerless to prevent an emotionally traumatic event, happens most when what shocks you are the actions of someone else, someone you didn’t want to experience such actions from. You feel the choices another  makes in a moment, consisting of callousness towards you and total disregard for your honour or worth. You couldn’t prevent it because you do not have control of no ones actions but your self.

This is what makes your needs your true needs that weren’t met. Very RAW and vulnerable to accept. Your needs are all that is linked to what you hoped would have happened. Imagine giving shelter to those needs in your heart, during or after the fact of an emotionally traumatic event. It’s extremely vulnerable, because one’s internal narrative isn’t compassionate it’s critical and shaming. This is why unconditionally accepting your needs and feelings isn’t an easy feat for most. 

To accept them UNCONDITIONALLY is to for example be honest that you desired love when you were being shown disdain. You desired value when violated and honour when humiliated by people who had a duty of care towards you. To accept your desire for safety, when harmed, is purity of heart. 

Its purity of heart because it stems from unconditional self love. Accepting your needs that weren’t met, to the ego is death because it was never rooted in self love to begin with. It’s root is in survival. The ego sees the antagonist as the enemy. It’s too soon or too raw to associate your true vulnerable needs to the antagonist. Fk the antagonist. When the ego doubles down on the story it takes you further away from self love. You swim in the illusion of protection the illusion of guarding yourself.

Why do we care to desire what we do from them? Is how the ego presents its case. But the question is warped in falsehood it doesn’t require an answer it requires a challenge with the truth.

I do not care to desire what I do from them, I CARE to desire it for myself. It’s what I deserve. It’s representative of my inherent worth.

This antagonist could have been your friend, your partner, a relative or your child. Before the traumatic event you were cool and then things went left. Just because the reality changed because of the choices made, doesn’t mean the heart did too.

So grieve for what you hoped that didn’t happen. Grieve the love, haq/truth, justice, and integrity you didn’t receive.

Grieve it’s absence just grieve.

It isn’t the same as grieving loss of a relationship with the antagonist. It’s simply grieving all that the betrayal replaced.

This is unconditionally accepting your needs. This is unconditional self love.

In grieving the above you acknowledge your worth & you stand in your power. The ego tells you in resistance you are strong. In rejection you have strategy. In judgement you understand. In shaming you are above and in blame you are establishing  boundaries

Healing starts the moment you accept what happened. There is no healing without unconditional self love & acceptance.

Grieve in the space grudge wishes to grow. You will find relief that replenishes you not resentment that keeps you locked in.

The Past & Owning your Story.

“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” -Brené Brown

Worthiness is hustled because you become disconnected from your worth when your story isn’t owned by you. The hustle happens within even though our worth neither increases nor decreases because it’s fixed in state since we are born with it. When our story isn’t owned our worthiness isn’t felt hence the internal  hustle for it and it isn’t felt because it’s blocked by shame. What does not owning your story mean? I am not referring to denial or delusion which is some of the ways people refuse to own their story. I am referring to not going within enough and thus missing the root of a matter that has hurt you.

What he/she they or society did is 10% of the story the other 90% is how it made you truly feel. That raw feeling inside that wants to address the kind of untruths about your self that you may even intellectually recognise for what it is, but for the life in you can’t fathom why its poison effects you still. Your story is your vulnerability. Owning that is how breakthroughs happen.

A breakthrough I believe is something that creeps up on you. It isn’t like a shift, a shift is part of a process, where in order for you to proceed on your journey its needed as fuel.  I feel a shift can be sensed and felt as it happens but a breakthrough you can’t. A shift is like a green light telling you to cross over to another side where the grass is green and the sky is bright. It’s a change in perception and a new found perspective about yourself and about life.

A breakthrough is a culimination of a matter that yesterday was hurting you and today you’ve realised you’ve gone passed its pain and entered a state of true inner peace. A breakthrough is the realisation that the hook that aligned you with the negative emotions of grief, sorrow, anger, shame and resentment that you felt has been removed, has been healed. Most mistake a shift for a breakthrough.

Breakthroughs are the true blessings in healing, it’s the ease after the hardship. It isn’t indifference to what happened it’s transcendence over it. For example you have alchemised the energy of pain into direction, grief into gaining your self, sorrow into self compassion. Anger into values that gave birth to solid boundaries. Shame into self empathy that made you switch lanes from that hazardous route shame set you upon most of your life. As for resentment? I believe it’s transmuted into wisdom the kind that ensures you do not end up making a u-turn back there, back where? To the places and things and people that didn’t honour your soul. To the energetic fields you entered unconsciously because you were separated and therefore neglectful of your own soul.

When you are in a healthy state of being i.e connected to yourself with no unconcious programmings sabotaging your flow. The past serves to reasonably inform the present. When you are not in such a state the past serves to hijack the present.

Why is the past informing the present so beneficial? Because life is continuous, it goes on and so situations that mirror or reflect matters, pertaining to what led to your spiritual growth in the first place do rear its head again in subtle ways.  These matters are opportunities to practice what you’ve learnt. To make your new substance part of your subconscious flow. The past can help with this as it contains intimate details of all the lessons you learnt, all the discoveries you made. The growths that occurred through the pain you chose to feel, heal and release.

As you go forward in life be grateful for the hooks Allah removed and continues to. Be grateful for his infinite wisdom and his grace that guided you to see, understand and recieve clarity about the things, that had he not guided you about, would have left you lost and stuck on a hamsters wheel.

You can only connect the dots when you look back and that is because the past is informing your present, your intuition is confirming and you are listening.  As new doors open, you find new truths that are gifts meant to carry you through to the next phase of your journey to self actualise. A phase of maturity, empowerment, deeper self love and acceptance.

Healing is a process that is deeply intimate and important. It can not occur with out self honesty, resilience and patience. As you venture out you will feel lighter because the old baggage is gone. When you feel heavy because of a new load (because life is continuous and there is so much more to learn) then it can be appreciated  and understood that the past informing the present is actually a present from Allah.  It’s a reminder of the things you found on the paths you took that facilitated your growth, your healing. Reminders benefit the faithful. 

I’ve learnt that there is no wrong path, for all paths traversed happened in order to teach something, reveal something. To add a layer of something needed, to you. Or to peel back a layer of something no longer required from you.

When the process of healing is bypassed in any way, the past pops up through memories that cause suffering through shame. That is how it hijacks the present.

“When we own our own stories, we avoid being trapped as characters in the stories someone else is telling.” -Brené Brown, Rising Strong

We also avoid being trapped in the stories we tell ourselves. The kind of stories that block you from receiving your own love and the love of those who love you. Because that’s how shame operates, like shaytan eating your food because you didn’t say bismillah and then wondering why you don’t feel that full. You are robbed and unaware of how  because you can’t see it externally nor can you compute it mentally as it happens.

When you own your story your character in that shame inducing story dies in your mind because it is in your mind that it is kept alive in the first place. When you own it, it becomes like that character in a tv series who exited in season 4.

Where did they end up? In the absence of shame they ended up with self empathy. They stopped defacing their soul. They own their intentions and their actions that they felt ashamed of because of how it was received or treated. Self empathy reminds them the shame narrative they attributed to their story is an illusion. Self empathy reminds them what was true from them, and how that is the only thing that matters. Only when you own your story do you get to transmute shame into empathy and compassion that leads to clarity and understanding. The soul structure intends to be built upon iron not straws.

The hooks fall off with the shame lensed glasses you took off. The past informs the present so they do not come back on. 

 

Inside Insight

Power fulfils strength provides, use your strength to step into your power. Through trials and hard times it’s your strength that Allah builds. Your power is something he has already created within you.

Strength expands in the heart, vulnerability gives it its wings. When a tear rests in your lower eyelid it’s glad tidings, you’ve stepped into the realm where your power is held. This realm feels dark like fatigue and heart ache all mixed in one. You find yourself in a state of sober thoughtfulness.

It is here your intuitive intelligence speaks and you are able to recieve its guidance. It wants you to stay in this realm so you can be replenished. Power fulfils because it intersperses your wholeness, in all that you do. For that to happen it must first rejuvenate you, envelope you become you. Let it.

 

 

 

Values

My values are extracted from everything I like and everything I dislike. As the two merge, through its debris I catch and collect my values.

I value love, truth, conceptual understanding,  connection and kindness. I value fairness, courage, composure, generosity, peace and justice.

I value integrity, consciousness, authenticity, faith, hope, laughter of kids and the dignity of my soul. I value my heart and the hearts of others. I value sound reason and discernment.

I value Allah and his grace & mercy that ground  my empathy. I value compassion and steadfastness. I value protection for the oppressed and the tears of the vulnerable.

I value patience and understanding, clarity and stability. I value relief for you and relief for me. I value spare time, my time, my worth and my life.

Through my values I took a second glance at my priorities. The lack of structure for it left me dumbfounded. Priorities are shaped by values. It doesn’t matter who’s took up your space. What matters is being aware, it matters that you now care. 

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Decisions are easier when made by your soul that is always motivated towards, all that is in accordance to your highest good.