Cut the Middle Man Out

If you don’t care about my peace of mind, I don’t feel valued by you…

That’s ok, just make sure to establish the peace you need yourself and to realise your feeling here, is sending a reminder. For you to remember who you are, so you can value it to do the above.

If you feel a sense of abandonment or rejection creeping up on you in any matter you are immersed in. Then know that the feeling is showing you, that in that very moment you are not standing in the power of your value.

If you make that conscious connect, you shift because you remember your value & the feeling subsides, because you received what it came to give you.

When you see your feelings as messengers, you don’t run the risk of activating projections, that make you miss the loyal Mail.

First Encounter with my Inner child

It was sometime in September 2018 I was visiting my brother and his wife. It was mid afternoon, feeling really depleted I needed to have a power nap.

Unfortuntely I wasted the time I could have slept so idly. It’s like I just couldn’t settle myself to do it.

During one of my idle moments, I popped into the balcony where my brother was resting. We began a conversation about life, this and that. My being tired came up and when he told me to go rest I replied…

“I tried bro but I can’t, I’ll just wait for night fall”

He asked why? and I said “I don’t know but several attempts failed. I think this is just one of those houses, that I can’t sleep during day in”

I felt this strange feeling that matched the facial expression on my brothers face come up. I shrugged conversation off, but the feeling stayed with me.

(His expression and my feeling reminds me of this emoji 🤔)

My intuition piped up to join in, it made an observation and left me some homework. It said ‘that sounds good, but what does it mean exactly?’

Upon quickly reflecting I found that I was in agreement. What I said did sound good because it wrapped things up somewhat logically. Yet I had no real idea about what it meant.

Fast forward another few hours later. My brother had left and my sister in law wanted to hit the town centre. She took with her my 6 year old and her youngest. My eldest son and nephew were left in the house with me.

We both thought I’d get some rest while she was out. But the same thing happened again, I couldn’t find an appropriate moment to take the nap. Even though the kids were settled in near by, watching a movie or playing their game console quietly. I still couldn’t fall asleep on the comfy large sofa beside them.

The time rolled by and whilst in the bathroom my sister in law returned home. She was in the kitchen putting shopping away and I could see her at the end of the hall way as I exited bathroom.

I felt this polite somewhat compulsive urge to go over to acknowledge she returned home? But got contradicted by an inspiration telling me to turn left into her bedroom and sleep!

I stood there baffled for about 2 seconds and suddenly I lost all decisive control. Something in me just took over, acknowledging the reality that I had nothing to say but I did have something to do! I walked straight into the bedroom and lied down.

Settled in I began flicking through my phone looking for something to read so I could fall asleep through it.

I heard and saw the shadow of foot steps approaching bedroom door to come in and reacted bizarrely by flipping my phone upside down on pillow. All so that it’s screen light disappears, and in doing so I get to give off the illusion that I’m asleep (to whoever it was coming ~my sister in law or the kids~)

I was taken aback by my sudden reaction, it felt like it was accompanied by a panic like energy. It felt so surreal that my actions to follow just mirrored the bizarreness of it all. I responded to whatever just happened with a curious compassion.

I asked myself inwardly & wonderingly

“What was that? Why did you do that”

Something coming from deep within me replied in an honest, raw, soft yet frustrated type of way…

“I was afraid!”

I felt empathy and asked concerned “Why are you afraid?”

and whatever was speaking back to me replied “They will think I’m available”

All of this happened in a matter of seconds.I sat there numb and shocked as my mind flinched out a memory of me as a child.

I grew up in a household where I was the only girl and had a lot of brothers. My mum unintentionally had the dysfunctional programming of boys will be boys and girls responsible.

This meant not only were my needs irrelevant, but the concept of me just ‘being’ was alien. The child me therefore understood that, if mum saw me just lying down resting like I was when trying to fall asleep in real time, reading off of my phone. She would have seen it as I’m not tired, that I am awake and if there was something she needed doing, finding or in general help with, it would ok to ask and expect it.

I would have complied even if I felt burdened because subconsciously I was disconnected from my needs. This lack of self agency paved way for my shadow to leak through, by the time I turned 15. It led to not a single care given to household, type of rebellion. I became like my brothers. Shortly afterwards I left home and moved in with my dad using college as an excuse, so I didn’t hurt my mums feelings.

Living with him freed up so much space in my head and heart. I had nothing to do in his house but just be, he took pride in his home. In his free time he would sit and write or draw. I was very drawn to his energy and his nurturing was effortless. I found myself often just liking to sit near him in living room doing my homework or talking. When I returned home from college I’d be making plans to make us a meal. Only to find he made his one special dolmio and pasta dish.

(My dad was the first person I ever saw acknowledge my needs and express them in situations where they were ignored. When I think of being “seen” I remember him)

(I know I’m digressing, my heart runs away with me when I talk about him. But back to original story of post )

My inner child saw the footsteps approaching and presumed my being on the phone will give off the impression that I’m available for conversation.

I completely understood her and found myself validating her apprehension by saying…You don’t have to be afraid anymore, I got you. Read what you want and if anyone does come in and presumes you’re available to talk or what have you. I’ll let them know the truth, that you’re not.’

I was so firm in what I said and had 100% conviction about it. I was filled with so much love and understanding for this part of me and in a conscious way.

I didn’t even realise till afterwards when I felt the knot in my heart dissipate, along with the hyper vigilance. That the reason why I was failing to have a nap. Was because my inner child was finessing/looking for a moment to do it, where it felt safety established for itself. It was scanning for ways that contradicted her worries before proceeding to do it.

This is why when I came out of the bathroom, my ego (acting to safeguard my inner child from its concerns about interruption ) tried to lead me to the kitchen to make myself seen. To then have a nonsensical conversation with my sister in law. All with the intention of making sure that I’m not looked for when I slip off to sleep.

I think what took over and made me turn left straight into bedroom was my soul. I remember it so clearly, it literally interrupted the egos plan with a firm energy that can only be best described as “fk this” This then taught me a phenomena I gave myself creative licence to name as “soul hostile takeover”

When my inner child ‘left the building’ of my consciousness. I lied down and began reading. I heard the footsteps again in the hallway. Only this time there was no hyper vigilance because of it.

I had no reaction to it at all. There was just a tranquil feeling and before I knew it I fell into a deep slumber.

2 hours later I briefly woke up only to fall back asleep again without a struggle. I woke up because my sister in law was nearby a cupboard next to me.

When I looked up, she whispered ‘sorry babe just came in looking for something’ She commented about me sleeping with my robe on and wondered if I was too warm. I said I was ok and felt cosier that way. She then bent over to kiss me on the forehead and pulled blanket over me.

I never told her but as she left room a tear fell from my eyes. As I fell back asleep realising it was my inner child who received her love and kiss. Along with protection, attunement and understanding from me.

85961754-0A56-4B91-86A1-170EB1D8E4F2 — Or it will forever live abandoned within you, looking for other ways to get it

I later learnt that this encounter also meant my healing growth that proceeded it, is what allowed my inner child to trust me enough to show up.

I will never forget the words “I’m afraid’ followed by ‘They will think I’m available’

No wonder the adult me was always looking for relief. I loved giving others what I wanted deeply for myself too.

The relief I wanted was received by me, from the part of me that needed it most. (My inner child)

Our unmet needs can only ever be satisfied and met best, when it comes from within our own selves.

What you seek is seeking you.

Recognising the Inner child

Our insecurities reflect what our inner child believes. It’s our Inner child that makes us doubt our worth or value because of what he/she believes in any given moment where an insecurity is activated (triggered)

Sometimes instead of looking within, people look outwardly and project the emotional intensity floating up from their unconscious. That wants to reveal a particular point related to information like this.

If we think the emotional intensity we feel is about the story that caused it to bubble up. We will continue to miss the point, that would have otherwise led to illumination about a matter.

Conversely if we don’t project the emotional intensity, but instead we become emotionally available to ourselves enough to feel it and accept how we feel afterward. We heal and ultimately grow into cultivating unconditional self acceptance, that safeguards self esteem.

All that we don’t accept are filed away as insecurities. That means self esteem is left injured. Wholesome living can not be attained with out recognising & attending to the one who did the filing…

Our inner child..

That needs our efforts & attention to turn towards their reality. So that they can be seen heard, nourished and loved. Rather than subjecting it to disregard and thus further abandonment. Because the ego employs patterns of resistance to keep us away from the places and spaces our inner child is left to bleed alone or worse hustle for its needs on its own. If we are not present our inner child is out there finessing. For safety, love, understanding, acceptance, validation and even vindication.

Springing Back

My resilience was birthed from the burdens I shouldered, that I now know I shouldnt have had to…..my desire for relief, because of the burdens.

Im looking at my ability for seeing the bigger picture easier than most, differently. Making peace that skipping myself, provided a head start to do it.

I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a tradegy. I feel, I think it’s more the blessing in the midst of the tradegy.

I wondered one day, how I could keep the blessing and end the tradegy…

My heart said through emotional attunement that doesn’t underestimate your value and overestimate others intentions and integrity….

When the hearts involved there should be no negotiation or dictation over how one deals. Let others cradle their unsettled truths and grief how they need to.

Forgiveness is a process that triggers those afraid of accountability. I’m not killing my self softly, hoping you won’t be.

Longing for own comfort

Don’t let longing distort your reality. It’s easy to confuse your feelings for what you are thinking…

For example sometimes while you think you are longing for a person, a thing or a particular experience. You run the risk of missing a message carried by your feelings, that encapsulates your true reality in a moment. A reality that says what you’re longing for is actually your own comfort.

This reality matters because it’s something you can gift to yourself. It is in the spectrum of your control.

When we don’t separate out the story from the object of our longing. The reality that what we need, being comfort gets distorted.

The need wounds up being associated with the external matter in focus. This association is what leads to our exit of the space, where the emotional intensity that requires our availability to self exists. Instead of being available we become unavailable and thus we end up trying to neutralise the intensity we feel. With initiated action that we hope would quell the problem or issue correlated with how we feel.

So if the story is about you longing for a certain experience. You initiate actions that align with the meeting or bringing about of it. Like leaving your city even if doing so feels like the path of most resistance.

If it’s longing for a person, than you iniate actions like reaching out to individual. Even if you know in moment they aren’t good for you.

This is self abandonment because you are doing everything except being emotionally available to your self. The reality of comfort being needed, gets distorted because the emotional intensity is projected outward and thus any stability regarding it is hoped for outwardly also.

When we are emotionally attuned we enter a safe space of acknowledgement that leads to the giving of the comfort that’s needed. The comfort that enters into the space where the emotional intensity is usually left unattended; can only be accessed through the adoption of self compassion. Self compassion grounds us into staying with our feelings and ultimately feeling them it’s the opposite of self neglect.

Our own emotional availability has the power to heal the emotional intensity carried by our inner child. That shows up fuelling the illusion behind the projections. This phenomena occurs because the inner child is seeking what we fail to give it, by other means.

When grounded in self compassion we begin to find the courage to feel our vulnerability. As doing so pulls back the projection from the external matters we think we are longing for. It is realised that the projection is the abandonment. So when the projection is retreated & exchanged for emotional attunement to self, it leads to the comfort received by our inner child that’s in need of it most.

This is the result of the unravelling of the distortions that disperses the unconscious confusion holding it in place and reveals in its stead the truth. Truth that ineveitably leads to the creation of well needed boundaries for the mind to learn and adhere to. The kind of boundaries that block out looping intrusive disempowering thoughts. That usually tell us we’re unsafe thus feelings of being insecure, about where we are in a moment ensue. This is where the inner child needs our adult self and when abandoned over and over again, it seeks safety through the ego patterns that are set up to intend to protect it.

We aren’t unsafe because we don’t feel safe. If we don’t feel safe, it’s a sign there is room for healing and that’s ok.

“What’s important is to learn how to heal the intensity of longing that is the result of a childhood attachment injury, where you did not feel seen, heard or understood in your family system.” Alan Robarge

I feel that although people heal in different ways. In order for healing to take place most efficiently. It should be considered that feeling safe is about being able to truly embody what’s coming.

When I believe Allah is conspiring in my favour. I feel safe because I’m able to realise my soul that has the ability and substance to embody what’s coming. As opposed to my ego consciousness that wants to take control of the chaos it percieves about what’s coming, because safety is in the ‘accomplishment’ of that. Of one being in control of ominous realities/incoming chaos, imagined or not.

Realisation of the soul is the true meaning of being in our divinity. When we are in our divinity we feel safe, because we are anchored to a power greater than us. That understands why we are where we are & why we do the things we do.

We come to understand that the opposite of chaos is not control it’s fundamentally, trust. In this case self trust that our emotional availability for our own selves is enough to lead us to the whole truth about what’s amiss within.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness should have the same rules as Tawba I.e the Islamic concept of repenting to God. Allah’s ways set pace for those who have understanding. If all of the conditions of tawba (regret & remorse of wrong and resolve to never go back to it) are not present in one who seeks your forgiveness, to turn them away is your priority

As doing so i feel preserves ones well being. To protect them from your rejection is not, as it doesn’t.

How do you know the conditions are met? The seeker has a vibrational shift. Energy doesn’t lie and your emotional body detects truth & falsehood.

If the conditions being met aren’t felt, and the seeker insists on moving somewhere. Let them go in the direction of staying away from you and getting closer to god.

May Allah forgive you first, so that his servants share in his mercy. Forgiveness is a matter of the heart not mind, and Allah has power over both.

CEO of my Wellbeing

To protect your space (wellbeing) you must first cultivate awareness about what invades it. Then step into your power to embrace it.

When you don’t you fragment yourself and vital energy that you need to thrive ends up depleted.

What’s worse you may not even know why you’re frustrated in a moment. Because without awareness your mind is left in the dark intercepted by the ego/false self. That is scrambling for judgment or blame via complaints, because it has to make interpretations that suit its motivation for survival about your experience in some way.

A lot of the time we are aware of major things that affect our wellbeing. Hence why people have boundaries regarding them.

I’ve found the little things we tolerate however are more consistent and therefore are prone to yield more frequent invasions of our space. Reason dictates it should have more attention because it’s through them that the cracks appear (waiting to be seen) in the first place.

For example it may be easy for someone to distance themselves from someone who lied to them because honesty is a boundary connected to their values (for obvious reasons)

What falls through the cracks however, is the truth that, that same person may not have boundaries against energies that don’t uphold their boundary for honesty. So they are akin to tolerate vagueness, lack of transparency and in essence booky/shady behaviour. All of which clearly clog up the stream,their wellbeing is meant to flow through and to (them) in.

This tolerance is an unconscious choice because it’s as though they don’t give themselves the permission to protect themselves; because based on their subconscious beliefs they haven’t caught person out on a lie yet so what they feel otherwise becomes irrelevant.

What’s worthy to note here is the thought process of doubt that says ‘nothing really happened’ i.e proof of being lied to hasn’t manifested. Is how the ego false self evaluates the external circumstance, to ultimately divert one away from the truth that something is happening inside…..the false self isn’t motivated towards ones wholeness just their survival.

So ‘nothing happened’ actually means, nothing that upholds the energy of honesty is around you through this person or circumstance & your guidance system (feelings) is telling you via your soul “I don’t need this” “i dont want to engage with this” “this isn’t good for me”

So in effect something IS happening and it’s something not conducive to your wellbeing, because you ain’t ok with certain energies when it comes around you and that matters.

Cement the cracks with your truth of that, not debate it because there isn’t yet a fact. Close what invades your space with unconditional commitment to how you feel. Not leave it open because your feelings on their own are deemed unreliable by you yourself or anyone else.

No one is responsible for your wellbeing but you. That’s why i feel its best to choose resonation over compromise. The former carries no confusion and the latter in this context is akin to the worst connotations that stem from the notion of settlement.

Compromising with energies that don’t uphold the energies that support a boundary is the pathway to getting stuck in comfortable limitations. Which in reality leaves you uncomfortable because it carries the illusion of protection from a set back or loss. In my case fear of getting something wrong were the kind of set backs I’d avoid like the plague.

What I realised a while ago,is the subtle truth that as the CEO of my life, I’m good with not getting the protection of my wellbeing wrong.

Thats the priority that if & when met, takes care of everything I need. Security comes from within. To give it to our ownselves and not look for it in others behaviours is the pinnacle of being responsible.

Checkmate

I couldn’t truly love myself not until I realised & accepted the true reason behind why I was afraid to.

I find serenity in the type of melancholy that accompanies this realisation and around this sudden charge of courage I feel, that wants to go ahead….

Go ahead and love myself in spite of the subconscious fears that have sabotaged and unconsciously shut me off. Go ahead and love myself inspite and in awareness of those fears that promise me loss.

To Switch up on all that switched you off, trust the process of what divine love turns a light towards…trust the wisdom behind divine will that intends that light to become yours.

Out of sight~Not out of Heart

I realised I’ve lived most of my life either hitting the ground running. Or enduring insane neglect whilst not even being conscious I was. It’s as though that part of me, that desperately needed to be nurtured kept dying a thousand deaths. Yet I let it because my mind would divert me away, from my heart where the want was stored.

I kept getting flash backs today of my second child’s birth & and a doctor consultant who’s name I don’t recall. Yet his words echoed through my soul. It was one of the most loving things I saw & heard.

The following verse in the Quran about maryam/Mary mother of isa/Jesus, always held a special place in my heart.

“So she conceived him, and she withdrew with him to a remote place. And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm tree. She said, “Oh, I wish I had died before this and was in oblivion, forgotten.” (Quran 19:22-23)

Every time I read this I felt a pull from my soul that overwhelmed me with emotions I couldn’t tap into. It was trapped repressed emotions, I know now to be related to the trauma of my own birthing experience. That I wasn’t fully equipped to emotionally hold space for.

It was 4pm when I realised I was in labour and not dealing with braxton hicks. I think I have low tolerance towards internal physical pain, because contractions for me felt like death.

I was so scared when one was approaching and so so grateful my brother was there. To use initiative in a way that blocked, the brunt of the pain from reaching me.

As one approached he would place his hand on my lower back & with distinct circular motion, rub it till the pain subsided.

It was so cathartic for me, the only thing that worked. By 5pm my brother and his wife drove me to the hospital….I was happy they were there as my husband was abroad when I went into labour. Sad he couldn’t be there but being true to my motto of it is what it is. I hated seeing him grieve and refused to add to it or be a source of it.

That was me that person that holds it down not liking to see others suffer especially when a matter is out of their hands. He was abroad and got ill and all I wanted was to give birth and go back to take care of him. To nurse him back to his physical strength. Holding space for his dream to build me a home, mainly so he could carry hope that he could.

Upon arrival to hospital I wanted my brother and his (than fiancé) to stay with me. Staff put me through to an antenatal ward and said that I couldn’t have visitors there. I declared I was in labour and they said not yet. Confused by this I asked how do you determine that?

Apparently because my contractions weren’t mins or seconds close together I was considered to not be in active labour. I told them to read my file and look at my history. The text book rule didn’t apply to me as my body reacts to labour in strange ways. (I ended up with an emergency c-section with my first born. Because I was not considered to be in active labour and babies heart beat began to drop rapidly.)

They say history repeats itself but that adage should come with an admonition that it’s often worse.

The staff said they will check my file and move me to labour ward later. For for now I needed to go to the antenatal ward where visitors weren’t allowed.

Sad to see my brother and his wife go I was escorted alone to an empty bed near a window. My contractions were coming in every 6 mins at this point, and when one hit I would cry in fetal position feeling exposed and alone. I failed to rub my own back like my brother was.

I would miss my husbands calls, because I needed the minutes before the next contraction hit, to gather my strength.

No midwife came to check on me or offer pain relief. I felt abandoned and began to do what I was accustomed to. Go and fend for myself…

Made my way to hospital lobby and asked for pain relief. Reiterated vulnerably that I couldn’t handle the pain. I felt tortured, it was worse than my first experience and something didn’t feel right.

The midwife brushed me off with promises of someone will come see me soon.

So I began to explore the hospital as walking kept my mind active. Every few mins I would pause in the hall way, praying & firming out the contractions.

I stumbled across some room full of big bath tubs and hoped a warm bath would help.

It was a mistake, although water felt good when contractions hit I was seated in a way that didn’t help me protect my abomen and pelvis.

At this point I felt numb and in shock, sat there staring at the tiles. As contractions came and left, I no longer had the strength or will to try and protect myself. My body caved in.

Thats why that verse about Mary meant something to me. The bathtub was my palm tree. The repressed memory of this trauma was was calling out through verse so I can remember feel and release. I thought exactly what she did, ‘If only I were dead and forgotten’

40 mins later I felt my son kick and I remembered this baby is a survivor. He was telling me to hold on.

I remembered how I found out I was pregnant. The hardship and terror in event leading to it that is too surreal for me to share in this post. What mattered was that single kick helped me to remember inside me was a miracle I should fight for.

So I got myself out of the water with contractions now hitting 2 mins apart.

In complete agony I walked back to the ward. When I made it back to my bed, I saw bedsheets changed and entertained falling asleep. I couldn’t with the contractions as alarm clocks, who could…

The midwife came and decided to move me to labour ward. It was 5am when I got there I saw the woman in bed opposite me being hugged by her husband.

I pulled my curtain closed as tears fell from my eyes. What was strange was it was tears of & due to compassion not jealousy.

I saw the gas & air machine near another woman’s bed so called the midwife to ask for one. She said one will be bought shortly.

I waited and it didn’t come. I didn’t make a fuss as I was distracted by looking for my phone. It was missing and I desperately wanted to talk to my husband.

Was told it couldn’t be found, I don’t know what happened next, but my intuition said my phone was with the bedsheets that were removed from previous bed.

I told a midwife this and she didn’t really absorb it. So I got up and made my way back to previous ward. I saw 5 trolleys full of bedsheets and stood there staring, depressed at the thought that no one would check through this for me. I didn’t seem to matter.

If only I could make it easier for someone to give a damn. Suddenly my intuition came in and chose trolley number 3. When midwives saw me standing there I said “my phone is in that trolley, it got wrapped in the bed sheets I need it to call my husband please”

Passing my intuition as a fact seemed to work but it was divine mercy, that made a reluctant midwife reach inside the trolley and pull a random sheet. That happened to have my phone fall out from it.

The first real sheet she grabbed hold of was the right one. It was now morning and my family came to the hospital. Around 11am I was finally given gas & air. It did such a wonderful job I was angry it took so long to receive it. I only had it for an hour as I was now ready to give birth.

The most undignified yet beautiful experience in the world (I’ll save you from those details). I kept pushing but my son would get stuck in the birthing canal.

A few attempts and his heart beat began to drop. I was given the options of either forcep delivery or c-section. When I saw the harsh hands of the midwife, I was filled with mis trust. My intuition was flying with red flags and I became paranoid my baby would end up with brain damage as she yanked him out.

C-section was a risk for me not my child, forcep the opposite. So I chose c-section having had it before and it went ok.

With the contractions ripping through my body they rushed me to surgery. Put me on this uncomfortable tiny narrow slab they called a table. I was afraid of falling as my body couldn’t stop shaking.

They needed to put an epidural injection in my spine so c-section could commence. But I couldn’t stop the push urges the labour was naturally bringing on.

My body went into shock a second time and I began shaking profusely. Yet they still wanted to attempt the epidural? The shock rendered me silent and I prayed in my head for help. I wanted to speak but physically couldn’t.

That’s when the consultant walked in, the one who’s name I don’t know, but I will never EVER forget him or his voice.

He was the only one who SAW me, who read me energetically. One look and his professionalism went out the window. As true humanity took over from formality. With 5 frantic professionals huddled around me.

He said “What the fk? She is in DISTRESS! She is in shock, knock her out there is no time for an epidural“

That was the only moment I felt nurtured during that experience. He saw me and in doing so saw my needs.

When my body went into shock it was divine wisdom trying to give the other docs and midwives a clue. My mouth failed me in speaking due to the extruciating pain.

That taught me something vital about the language of the human body and the intelligence behind its creation. The only person who understood was that consultant.

I was put to sleep and woke up with a healthy. Beautiful baby boy. Saw my brother Zak holding him dressed and cleaned by my mum.

I asked “did you lot make sure a switch wasn’t made as I never saw what came out”

Every one laughed but I knew he was mine, when I saw my husband staring back at me. Having been awoke now for 6 mins I heard phone ringing and it was my husband.

He seemed frantic as phone was put on silent and he couldn’t get through for hours. “Habibti” he said with a relief filled tone, habibti means my beloved.

Followed by a “What happened to your phone!” Interrupted by my calm tone that showed him we are here now. “How are you how are you feeling?” He asked to which I replied “I went to hell and back but survived. Alhamdulilaah all is well, it’s a boy”

I will never forget his reaction I could see him in my minds eye smiling as he said “a boy? Mashallah” he quickly informed his mates that were around him “She had a boy!” I could feel his relief and pride that the storm was over and was just glad to share the news.

Knowing he named our first born and I had dibs on naming the second. In the most cutest negotiable way I’ve ever seen, he vulnerably said

“Name him abdirahman”

I wanted to make a case but I was more intrigued by his firm vulnerable energy. So instead I asked why that name and he said

“Because it’s meaning is in homage to gods name of the most merciful and with everything these past couple of months, I swear it nothing but his mercy got me through. I know what we agreed…”

I cut him off and replied “It’s ok Abdirahman it is” Intuitively something told me to accept lovingly. I’m so glad I did.

24 hours after our sons birth my husband passed away, having just entered his late 20s.

My heart broke, no one saw that coming. When I recieved the news I was still in the hospital healing from surgery. What was strange was minutes after hearing huge slumber came over me. I fell asleep and had a dream where I was running looking for him. Still dressed in my hospital gown with name tag on wrist.

When I finally found him he was seated in a chair. I called out his name and his eyes revealed to me how tranquil he felt to see me. He couldn’t speak so reached out his hand and pulled me close, seating me on his lap. There were tears in his eyes and my energy felt like home to him. So I hugged him to give him comfort. As soon as I rested on his shoulder I felt a shift in his body, his eyes began to close. While mine remained open suddenly looking up above. The dream faded out as I now saw us from above seated in that chair.

The miracles in this dream were many I’ve left out, but the most distinct for me that by passed my skepticism was the clothes he was wearing. I found out later it was the exact clothes he had on when he died hours earlier. I had no way of knowing that. His friends described the exact outfit I saw in my dream which showed me my inner knowing, that said his soul waited to say good bye was true.

I felt that’s why my reaction to the news of his death was to fall asleep. My soul was being called by his to come and say good bye.

That dream was my closure, meeting him on the astral plane was the ease in the hardship. Ever since that day I’ve been on a journey away from myself and now back to myself.

That baby boy I had not only looks like him as a reminder for me, every time he smiles. But his father is imprinted in him energetically.

Abdirahman has a healing touch, when ever I hold him I feel cleansed from the inside out. I’ve only noticed this consciously this year.

I wanted a sibling for his brother specifically a brother, because I hoped they could be friends riding life side by side when they are older.

And every day as I get to watch them grow. I watch extra hard for their father. Most reactions I give them, for most of what they do or don’t do, the first is mine…the second what I feel would have been his…

In transcending my internal beliefs that said strong people like me should just get on with things. I’ve realised the shadow side of this was a vengeful monster, that was deprived of my own love & nurture.

Going back to re visit the trauma behind all of this…. led me to acknowledg not only my desire to be embraced and be ok with wanting to be…. But also to not to fixate on the pain of neglect, I fear from it. In transmuting beliefs that told me I couldn’t trust others to nurture me….I know now that I can and they could…they should because I matter.

I use to hit the ground running, but now I want to find solace in simply standing on it, Recieving…

Space Jam

It is often said protect your space from negativity but I feel this can be too vague an instruction to actually yield real results for most; because it can be a struggle to even recognise what’s negative and what isn’t at times. We are human and have our own unconscious blocks so yes it can be difficult to pinpoint what’s negative in a moment for us in and of itself. Especially when there isn’t a solid or decent relationship with understanding our feelings.

Nothing annoyed me more than generic statements like “block out negativity” “protect yourself from negative people” “declutter your space” sure but what who and how?. I don’t resonate with statements that carry some frantic urge like energy. Like I need to run to or from something.

It’s easy to underestimate our power of definition and in so doing, we can relinquish this power to societal standards and norms that define things for us without being aware of how it does. The more awareness we gain about ourselves through what we feel, the more this power of definition becomes like a remote control in our hand that we naturally gravitate towards and explore.

For example I began to feel a lot of inner expansion and space when I defined….

Clearing up tumultuous misunderstandings expressed to me as negative but not in and of itself. I set this as a default rule because I felt it was easier to branch out this way. If it’s defined as negative for me, I then end up with a space where I can sit and discern through the exceptions I’ve made for this rule (I’ll address this more soon.)

Point is the alternative left me scattered and overwhelmed as it was too loose …I needed a structure that put me first and this rule that I can branch out from, provided that.

I first became aware of this strain that I felt when I found myself cleaning things up. It was confusing at first because I genuinely like to be of help and clarity is something I love. I love safeguarding it from loss, providing it when I have it and want it when I don’t.

When this awareness of the strain I felt slowly became more focused, I began to see it most notable in matters that pertained to one expecting or subjecting others to clean up their tumultuous misunderstandings. Whether one was aware they had one or not is irrelevant as pending task felt the same.

It’s negative because the misunderstandings would be presented by another without taking an active part in the clean up process themselves i.e they don’t hold space for it and if they do, it’s after a lot of stubborn resistance The kind you also end up ironing out of the way.

This happens when someone tells you something that doesn’t leave room for other perspectives. Clearly the perspective they have has holes in it and it’s detrimental to their own well being. Yet they want to defend it like their life depends on it.

Cue you entering to clear it up even worse, the person never even asked you too.

Whats wrong with this picture?

Aside from the selfishness that you at times assume or at times is true( because even though person didn’t ask you to clean up they want you to) its draining. If you are anything like me your tendency to genuinely prefer clarity to chaos makes you step in to iron out what seems off, from all that you’ve grasped essence wise from matter.

The problem with this ‘clear up’ is it depletes your energy, especially when you aren’t cognizant of the how’s and whys of its happening.

For the longest time I actually didn’t connect this nor did I even mind doing it (the clear ups I mean) But now with my soul running the show more and more every day. I have an emotional boundary that I’ve become very cognizant of. The kind that says…..unless I see YOU caring for a clear up, or YOU asked for one or at the very least YOU made it known through your vulnerability that YOU are open to perspectives that may carry one.

I will stare at you and ruthlessly leave you to your chosen path. This takes form in simple ways like a response of “madness….” to a rant made.

I couldn’t do that before, do what? Just witness In stead I would block my soul through my false selves guilt narrative and end up entangled. I couldn’t simply just leave person to it because I would feel for the other and conflate my needs when I did similar things, with the other persons. Even though a huge difference existed. I was that person who would present an energetic signal through my vulnerability…There was a part of me that therefore welcomed a clean up and I appreciated those equipped to provide it mainly because my issue came from a place of hurt. (If I’m just venting you’ll know)

I didn’t care for defence and detest people who view objections as defence in and of itself. (Note: why power of definition is important)

I define this clearing up of misunderstandings by default of seeing or feeling its existence as negative for me, when the one presenting it, in extreme cases wants to stand there absolved from responsibility to seek clarification and in normal cases leaves it vague enough I end up entangled..

It’s negative because it requires you to take on a problem that the other persons substance should have a handle on. But they don’t have the substance because at times they may be unconscious of the ego influence, that blinds them to this and in clearing it up for them willingly, you block the individual from seeing their own shadow? You block them from seeing how the ego keeps them in victim consciousness? Even if you point that out, you engaging in a clear up enables them to stay blocked??

The people vary in needs some do exactly what I’m describing, others don’t intend to but come across that way (so it’s you interpreting matter as is) regardless of the details of what form they appear in or not.

You either are being pulled into what doesn’t serve your highest good or you pull yourself in and resent the other who simply was just venting to you. In any case….

When you stay in your lane you actually help the other person because it exposes them to their own lane. That they refuse to even enter in the first place or aren’t aware is there for them to enter. Ultimately they are exposed to a lane where their substance could be obtained…. The rant dies down, they have exhausted the complaint. You’ve heard them and now a space becomes available where they choose one of two things

*Ask for clarity through feedback..

Or…

*Leave conversation scratching their own head.

Understanding what serves you and what is in accordance to your highest good. Means to allow the latter to occur and not internalise any discomfort that ensues as a result. Sometimes being authentic means making others uncomfortable. They ain’t uncomfortable with your authenticity but more so the audacity of it and you aren’t uncomfortable because of the other person but more so because you fragmented in moment because you aren’t being authentic.

We live in times where being authentic is…well bizarre. That’s why authenticity is moreso a practice as opposed to something you have or don’t have but I digress…

This cleaning up things that isn’t yours can occur in myriad of ways. It’s easy to fall into and it’s slow poison. That’s why I can only manage it by making it a rule not to….unless (insert the aforementioned exceptions to the rule)

To protect your space you must first cultivate awareness about what invades it. Step into your power of definition to then embrace it. When you don’t you fragment yourself and vital energy that you need to thrive ends up depleted and you are left on a hamster wheel mad at these situations where your energy gets used up. What’s worse you don’t even know at times why you are mad consciously. Without awareness your mind is left in the dark.

The above results in producing the feeling of anger. A feeling that comes to point out a boundary has been or is in the process of being violated by you or another. If you don’t get to benefit from this guidance and matter concludes itself as a boundary being broken or over stepped. Then your feelings don’t leave you hanging. Resentment follows suit loyally carrying guidance, to show you where you are giving your power away or not standing in it. Feelings guide and become your best friend when you begin to decipher what they mean…

Does not seeing resentment as a feeling that shows you where you are giving your power away or lacking to stand in it, make you look at the feeling differently? More importantly in a way that actually empowers you. As opposed to leaving you feeling powerless which is the default way we are prone to relate to resentment…

Whats astonishing is resentment transmuted becomes wisdom and when left to fester passes the buck back to anger through grudge lol rinse repeat.

Let your feelings direct you to what matters or behaviours that are negative for you. Others can give you pointers but no one can define this for you and it’s futile to ignore it just because (perhaps) the negativity is or was within you yourself at one point or another albeit in different ways or on different levels. Don’t ignore what can be used to develop awareness that can facilitate growth for you.

Ive never been team no negativity, I’m more team why does this negativity exist?

Protecting your personal space is one of the greatest personal investments you can make as it is the epitome of self care. I feel doing it from the inside out yields better more fruitful results

You can make boundaries through speech but those that arise through an energetic shift from within stick and speak for themselves.

Ultimately it provides you authentic space woven through substance. It’s authentic because you yourself are taught not to contaminate it. So it becomes a space that maintains catharsis that allows you to Jam uninhibited.