First Encounter with my Inner child

It was sometime in September 2018  I was visiting my brother and his wife. It was mid afternoon, feeling really depleted I needed to have a power nap. 

Unfortuntely I wasted the time I could have slept so idly. It’s like I just couldn’t settle myself to do it. 

During one of my idle moments, I popped into the balcony where my brother was resting. We began a conversation about life, this and that. My being tired came up and when he told me to go rest I replied…

“I tried bro but I can’t, I’ll just wait for night fall”

He asked why? and I responded with “I don’t know but several attempts failed. I think this is just one of those houses, that I can’t sleep during day in”

I felt this strange feeling that matched the facial expression on my brothers face come up. I shrugged conversation off, but the feeling stayed with me.

(His expression and my feeling reminds me of this emoji 🤔)

My intuition piped up to join in on the reactions. It made an observation and left me some homework. It said ‘that sounds good, but what does it mean exactly?’

Upon quickly reflecting I found that I was in agreement. What I said did sound good because it wrapped things up somewhat logically. Yet I had no real idea about what it meant.

Fast forward another few hours later. My brother had left and my sister in law wanted to hit the town centre. She took with her my 6 year old and her youngest. My eldest son and nephew were left in the house with me.

We both thought I’d get some rest while she was out. But the same thing happened again, I couldn’t find an appropriate moment to take the nap. Even though the kids were settled in near by, watching a movie or playing their game console quietly. I still couldn’t fall asleep.

The time rolled by and whilst in the bathroom my sister in law returned home. She was in the kitchen putting shopping away and I could see her at the end of the hall way as I exited bathroom. 

I felt this polite somewhat compulsive urge to go over to acknowledge she returned home? But got contradicted by an inspiration telling me to turn left into her bedroom and sleep!

I stood there baffled for about 2 seconds and suddenly I lost decisive control. Something just took over, acknowledging the reality that I had nothing to say but I did have something to do!

I found myself in the bedroom, got onto bed and lied down. Settled in I began flicking through my phone looking for something to read and fall asleep with. 

I then heard and saw the shadow of foot steps approaching bedroom door to come in. I then reacted bizarrely flipping my phone upside down on pillow. So that it’s screen light disappears. Hoping to give off the illusion that I’m asleep, to whoever it was coming in. (My sister in law or any of the kids)

I was taken aback by my sudden reaction it felt like it was accompanied by a panic like energy. It felt so surreal that my actions to follow just mirrored the bizarreness of it all.  I responded to whatever just happened with a curious compassion.

I asked myself inwardly & wonderingly

What was that? Why did you do that”

Something coming from deep within me replied in an honest, raw, soft yet frustrated type of way…

I was afraid!”

I felt empathy and asked concerned “Why are you afraid?”

and whatever was speaking back to me replied “They will think I’m available”

I sat there numb and shocked as my mind flinched out a memory of me as a child.

I grew up in a household where I was the only girl and had a lot of brothers. My mum unintentionally had the dysfunctional programming of boys will be boys and girls responsible.

This meant not only were my needs irrelevant, but the concept of me just being was alien. The child me therefore understood that, if mum saw me just lying down resting like I was when trying to fall asleep in real time, reading off of my phone. She would have seen it as I’m not tired, that I am awake and if there was something she needed doing, finding or in general help with its perfectly ok to ask and expect it.  

I would have complied even if I felt burdened because subconsciously I was disconnected from my needs. This lack of self agency paved way for my shadow to leak through, by the time I turned 15.  It led to not a single care given to household, type of rebellion. I became like my brothers. Shortly afterwards I left home and moved in with my dad using college as an excuse, so I didn’t hurt my mums feelings. 

Living with him freed up so much space in my head and heart. I had nothing to do in his house but just be, he took pride in his home. In his free time he would sit and write or draw. I was very drawn to his energy and his nurturing was effortless I found myself often just liking to sit near him in living room doing my homework or talking. When I returned home from college I’d be making plans to make us a meal. Only to find he made his one special dolmio and pasta dish lol being a carnivore id say brb dad and would go grab some fried chicken to eat it with. 

(My dad was the first person I ever saw acknowledge my needs and express them in situations where they were ignored. When I think of being “seen” I remember him) 

(I know I’m digressing, my heart runs away with me when I talk about him. But back to original story of post )

My inner child saw the footsteps approaching and presumed my being on the phone will give the illusion that I’m available for conversation.

I completely understood her and found myself saying. ‘You don’t have to be afraid anymore, I got you. Read what you want and if anyone does come in and presumes you’re available to talk or what have you. I’ll let them know the truth that you’re not.’

I was so firm in what I said and had 100% conviction about it. I was filled with so much love and understanding for this part of me and in a conscious way.

I didn’t even realise till afterwards when I felt the knot in my heart dissipate, along with the hyper vigilance. That the reason why I was failing  to have a nap. Was because my inner child was finessing/looking for a moment to do it, where it felt safety established for itself. It was scanning for ways that contradicted her worries before proceeding to do it.

This is why when I came out the bathroom, my ego (acting to safeguard my inner child from its concerns of interruption )  tried to lead me to the kitchen to make myself seen. To then have a nonsensical conversation. All with the intention of making sure that I’m not looked for when I slip off to sleep. 

I think what took over and made me turn left straight into bedroom was my soul. I remember it so clearly, it literally interrupted the egos plan with a firm energy that can only be best described as “fk this”

When my inner child ‘left the building’ of my consciousness I lied down and began reading. I heard the footsteps again in the hallway. Only this time there was no hyper vigilance because of it. 

I had no reaction to it at all. There was just a tranquil feeling and before I knew it I fell into a deep slumber.

2 hours later I briefly woke up only to fall back asleep again without a struggle. I woke up because my sister in law was nearby a cupboard next to me. 

When I looked up, she  whispered ‘sorry babe just came in looking for something’ She commented about me sleeping with my robe on and wondered if I was too warm. I said I was ok and felt cosier that way. She then bent over to kiss me on the forehead and pulled blanket over me.

I never told her but as she left room a tear fell from my eyes. As I fell back asleep realising it was my inner child who received her love and kiss.

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Or it will forever live abandoned within you, looking for other ways to get it

I later learnt that this encounter also meant my healing growth that proceeded it, is what allowed my inner child to trust me enough to show up.

I will never forget the words “I’m afraid’ followed by ‘They will think I’m available’

No wonder the adult me was always looking for relief. I loved giving others what I wanted deeply for myself too.

The relief I wanted was received by me from the part of me that needed it most. (My inner child) 

Our unmet needs can only ever be satisfied and met best, when it comes from within our own selves. 

What you seek is seeking you. 

When the Mirror reflects back Self~ Love

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I originally wrote some of this post two years ago, I wrote from a base in my mind and any emotion that leaked were gentle clues left behind by my soul. I felt repulsed by what I shared and those leaks were pointing out to me the why. It was because I  was missing in essence. I edited 80% of original post. Could have just started a fresh one but it’s in going back to finish what I started, that at the end gave birth to a much needed realisation. A post I privatised led to a revelation, how ironic.

Self love ~ the jacket that keeps me warm

~💎~

The first true lesson of self love I’ve learnt was seeking wholeness outside of ones own self,only attracted more incompleteness. This is true in any area of life where wholeness is sought elsewhere.

The second lesson was in connection to the imbalance I felt in regards to my ability to love others unconditionally but failing short when it came to myself. The journey behind the realisation of this was in part surprising and unsettling. I think I’ve asked myself for forgiveness a lot. And I’ll never forget the moment when I accepted it.

My embodiment of self love required I find balance inside myself. There were distortions in the things I perceived. Often the kind that hurt me…there was dysfunction in what manifested around me. Often the type that left me in constant search for relief.

What doesn’t make me happy? What ebbs away at my comfort? What makes me feel unhealthy. Any reality experienced that bought me into alignment with answers to the above questions. I began to see as realities that required my attention, in it my wellbeing was neglected.

Negative and limiting beliefs are all energy. Not tangible even if it caused me some harm I found solace in the deeper knowing, that it’s harm isn’t tangible. I thought being positive was focusing on what did make me happy, gave me comfort and made me feel healthy. Everything else I intellectualised as either, it’s not all about me or it’s just life.

I took pride in my inability to connect to my feelings. Believed it was emotional agility, a sense of control. But there were always signs that something was amiss. For me the biggest was my resentment towards understanding. So unconsciously the first fragmented piece of my soul to occur was disconnection from my humanity towards myself.

I began to measure how I felt about myself in correlation to what made me feel an emotion to begin with.If someone I cared about let me down, I felt disappointment or resentment. It was pretty simple, I felt how I felt because of what someone else did. So if they didn’t do it I wouldn’t feel it…

The concept of my feelings being a guide carrying messages that wanted me
to see, a reality that didn’t align with me, or one that did that I should have been going towards, was alien to say the least. But it was the breakthrough I needed where a journey of making the unconscious concious led me to.

The inner fulfilment I lacked I compensated for by helping to cultivate fulfilment in others. If I was a santa clause I guess my bag carried the gift of relief.

I swear it I would give from it to anyone, the underdog, the stranger, those I loved. It didn’t discriminate. I didn’t discriminate. Giving made me feel happy. I believed in love for others what you love for yourself. I loved nothing more than relief.

Despite my giving nature, I didn’t believe the love I received because I didn’t receive my own.

Aside from some fleeting moments over all I always felt dispensable, disposable, like an after thought. No matter what love was shown to me I couldn’t fathom or receive it emotionally. I showed intellectual appreciation for it, of course.

Feeling dispensable was a divine sign that contradicted my reality so that I could see how I treated my soul. It was a subtle clue that something was amiss inside.

Now on god and everything about him I love, my soul is all I need. The relief I sought after all my life was inner peace, and inner peace is nothing but the souls language of approval.

In hindsight I thought I needed relief when what I actually was looking for was my souls approval. How can it approve when I was blind to the fact that I lived a reality that felt it could do with out it. When I treated as dispensable?

Perspective is everything, and a sound one requires to be present in a moment. To allow meaning to rise from the shadow behind stillness. Dysfunctional perspective born through disconnection from ones emotional body leads to non fulfilment, because it navigates through misunderstandings.

When you misunderstand your needs, you don’t get to complete yourself, when you are not complete in yourself. You seek it elsewhere. When you seek it elsewhere you do not arrive at fulfilment.

Wholeness is found within, in you. Not in him, her, or this and that.

Our soul along with destinies plan will always set us up with others and situations that mirror back to us all that we are meant to learn. This is how growth occurs and growth opportunities arrive through trials and/or turbulence.

I would have turbulence for breakfast a lot. Almost became disensitised to it. Yet learnt much from it. I was
nourished by what I ate…

The wisdom behind situations that are turbulent, shines light on ones vulnerability. Vulnerability for me was needed for my soul to emerge and make its case known. Its the only time my mind kneeled to its true master, hoping for it to lead the way. The connect with Allah is through the soul for a reason. Vulnerability is a need and Allah is the one who fulfills it, hence why the soul communicates with Allah through it.

The problem I had with feeling vulnerable was when I felt it I looked outward not within. I saw the effect as existing due to the cause. So towards the cause I felt sad, righteous anger, hurt, frustrated and or at times even defeated. The kind of emotions I didn’t want to experience.

The ultimate plan is purification to reach our one true home. I’ve learnt that embodiment of self love assists purification in the deepest way. When a person has self love their soul leads the way undistracted. Because self love connects directly to the soul. Our soul is the only part of us that’s eternal and motivated towards completion,towards wholeness. When we separate from self love we separate from it.

In shedding the negatives that stemmed from my own ego blocks, albeit not a journey that was easy. Much of it was done through choosing instinct over culture. Between what you know that doesn’t add up and what you feel that’s trying to lead you somewhere.

To embody harmony energetically with all that’s good for us we have to first energetically not resist what doesn’t feel good to us. What doesn’t align with our wellbeing, what doesn’t replenish it, are all signs of what doesn’t serve our highest self. Signs of absence of Self love, a sign of soul disconnect.

Self accountability for and about this absence of self love is the second step towards harmony. Deconstruction of what doesn’t serve, without being followed up by construction of what does makes no practical sense.

Understanding self love intellectually doesn’t mean one is operating through it. Wholeness  outside of oneself is a mirage and always will be. The embodiment of unconditional  self love leads to harmony because in stead of running into a mirage, you run into a new dimension where the reality is actually real. The reality is manifested from a soul space.

You can hear all the right things from those who love you, but its nothing in comparison to feeling, believing and seeing the same about you, yourself.

You can seek relief a million ways, but to confuse giving yourself to others as lending yourself to others, is to end up in a loop where you keep missing the mark. What we seek is seeking us, the relief I wanted, my soul was trying to give me all along.

The human patterns I took on in life for myriad of reasons, Carried with it colours of positivity and negativity. Embodiment of self love happened when I looked in the mirror and faced the negative energies and blasted through them to the core.

Clearance of that leads to true self love.
Clearance of my blocks led me to a prison that barricaded my soul.

I didn’t free it, it was always free, my mirror soul told me that and much more that always made me wonder. What I freed instead was my false self from the illusions it believed. From its perceived false reality. From its auto sub concious activity. As it invited me to acknowledge it’s fears I found liberation in responding with “that isn’t my pain, that isn’t my fear”

I believed (only through experience) that my flaws were perfect for the hearts that were meant to love me, (and now I also believe, again because of experience) that I am one of those hearts to myself.

The only thing that repulses me now is putting another first whilst I indirectly place myself second and worse teach others I am ok with that position.

I choose myself because I understand now how to.

” And I did not put you in difficulty so as to harm you, but rather, that I may complete my favour upon you. So that you be of those who are grateful” ~Surah maida ayah 6

I’m grateful..the lesson behind the resistance towards embodiment of my self love was revealed. Through me seeing the fulfilment, that I was blocked from trying to give another, was simply mirroring back the fulfilment I lacked in giving to myself.

Allah works in mysterious ways and cultivates understanding through that way.

What I understand now I don’t resent because truth bought in the correct substance in divine timing. Gift wrapped and packaged with mercy tailor made for me.