There is a thin line between patience and enabling and I think that line is to do with purpose or lack of it. True patience flourishes when it is aligned with divine purpose and without this, one is prone to enable situations and/or people that usher in experiences and ways of behaving, that do not match up to whatever our individual divine purpose is. (I am not referring to the collective purpose)
Often in the name of patience, we can steer off course and enable our loved ones even ourselves. Because without purpose to measure things through, everything becomes convoluted and it’s easy for a false sense of guilt and it’s qualifying perception, to be mistaken for a voice of reason or compassion.
Another way of understanding what our divine purpose is, is knowing your true calling in life. This would be personal to you and it often has ‘symptoms’ like what you’re most passionate about, what do you check passionately, when things other wise roll off you, like water of a ducks back.
Your divine purpose that Allah helps to bring you into alignment with, is therefore things he already created you to have the substance for. The spark and drive is imminent and it pours into every aspect of your life, even if you aren’t always aware of its happenings. What people tell you you’re great at believe them, as it’s a major indicator and what you think you are good at keep developing.
Patience/sabr is a virtue one of the greatest in the sight of Allah and it is a gift for people to be met with and a manifestation of self care when you meet yourself with it, but what it never is, is enabling. Unlike enabling, patience doesn’t disconnect you from your divine purpose. As the spark and drive within its flow also pours into matters or to people you’re called to be patient about or with.
That’s one way to see if you’ve crossed the thin line between patience and enabling. Do you feel disconnected from self or connected in flow.
When you’re patient Allah replenishes your soul when you’re enabling, feelings of imbalances occur. These feelings are guidance to indicate and direct to truth.
Enabling in the name of patience , regardless of when it’s done or with whom, the impact is the same. Measuring things through whether or not it matches up with personal divine purpose is therefore key. Because It keeps you in check inwardly and so too governs well your outward reality. Because you yourself and your loved ones receive the best of you.
I remember resonating a lot with Bruce lee’s quote “be like water my friend” when I was a teen, of course there was more to quote than just that. But it was that part specifically that struck a cord with me.
The full quote is…
You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend. ~ Bruce lee
Only after I grew older, did it dawn on me just how profoundly this quote impacted me unconciously. It crystallised in meaning, permeating every fibre of my soul. I realised meaning was preserved and developed through various phases of my life. Because the quote was a sign, a clue about my authentic fluid nature. You can only connect the dots when you look back…
The freeing flow of the water was the opposite to the rigidity i’d lean towards, in the face of changes that I didn’t want.
The freeing flow of the water was symbolic for all the fulfilment, my soul wanted to pursue but I’d resist because (insert blind spots that led to much self abandonment or fear of my true desires)
…is your well being flowing through you and to you, no matter what your circumstance is. Just like this rock in the middle of no where, doesnt clog up the flow of the river passing through it. So too, when you follow what fulfils you will the rock not be a factor or obstacle to your harmony and flow.
To be (flow) like water, acknowledge every facet of your being, especially your soul perceptions about things.
It’s only when we ignore the latter (our soul perceptions) that we fall into judgements and then projections and then last but definitely not the least, neglect in not acknowledging our true needs.
Any disappointment like energy in life that we feel, can only be transmuted when we pursue what fulfils us. As the feeling of disappointment in our present moment, is carrying the loyal mail telling us that we are not being fulfilled. See the rock as is disappointment and the water is our fulfilment continuing to flow regardless of it.
When inner conflict gets in the way, it only gets in the way of clarity coming in. That realisation serves as a great incentive for me to persevere and work through it. Clarity is what paves the way for us to align with fulfilment. It is the first dose of it, and ultimately for me, the reason why clarity feels like well being.
When people change, you must not erase what you knew about them before the change that hurt you.
It’s what we knew after all, that we must grieve. As it’s what we knew, that we had the relation and connection with.
There is a seed planted under the rubbles where your heart was crushed. A seed that grows into profound clarities, that lay out the foundation for a greater and more wholesome home.
There is a crack in the psyche that pain illuminates. So we can experience discernment creeping through when needed most. Discernment, that shows us how to get to and stay in said new home.
All that happens, when, where, what and how ultimately serves the evolution and expansion of your soul.
Will you be patient?…is a question I’ve asked myself a lot. The answer is always yes because patience fulfils my soul.
There is a part of me that always cared to master myself. That always cared for the silver lining in the dark clouds, that appeared on my path.
And because of this, this same part of me unwittingly dismissed my feelings to work through things I had no business doing. It held space for things that bothered me.
This part of me that cared to understand even if I wasn’t being understood, is now grateful to realise that she can exist in a space devoid of any form of self deception. A space that makes sense of the unconscious self betrayals that resulted in the forgetting of myself.
Only with time can we look back and re write the first draft that made excuses for others and none for ourselves.
Only with time can we grow strong enough to look back and swallow the cold truth that in deleting ourselves…..we overestimated the intentions and integrity of others……..and just as we are about to attack ourselves for that, we can in its stead, attach to self love that writes a second draft.
A second draft with clarity replacing confusion. Truth replacing illusion, understanding replacing judgment, empowerment replacing resentment and fulfilment replacing disappointments.
Our soul holds the pen, that is ready to write our second draft on everything.
It was sometime in September 2018 I was visiting my brother and his wife. It was mid afternoon, feeling really depleted I needed to have a power nap.
Unfortuntely I wasted the time I could have slept so idly. It’s like I just couldn’t settle myself to do it.
During one of my idle moments, I popped into the balcony where my brother was resting. We began a conversation about life, this and that. My being tired came up and when he told me to go rest I replied…
“I tried bro but I can’t, I’ll just wait for night fall”
He asked why? and I said “I don’t know but several attempts failed. I think this is just one of those houses, that I can’t sleep during day in”
I felt this strange feeling that matched the facial expression on my brothers face come up. I shrugged conversation off, but the feeling stayed with me.
(His expression and my feeling reminds me of this emoji 🤔)
My intuition piped up to join in, it made an observation and left me some homework. It said ‘that sounds good, but what does it mean exactly?’
Upon quickly reflecting I found that I was in agreement. What I said did sound good because it wrapped things up somewhat logically. Yet I had no real idea about what it meant.
Fast forward another few hours later. My brother had left and my sister in law wanted to hit the town centre. She took with her my 6 year old and her youngest. My eldest son and nephew were left in the house with me.
We both thought I’d get some rest while she was out. But the same thing happened again, I couldn’t find an appropriate moment to take the nap. Even though the kids were settled in near by, watching a movie or playing their game console quietly. I still couldn’t fall asleep on the comfy large sofa beside them.
The time rolled by and whilst in the bathroom my sister in law returned home. She was in the kitchen putting shopping away and I could see her at the end of the hall way as I exited bathroom.
I felt this polite somewhat compulsive urge to go over to acknowledge she returned home? But got contradicted by an inspiration telling me to turn left into her bedroom and sleep!
I stood there baffled for about 2 seconds and suddenly I lost all decisive control. Something in me just took over, acknowledging the reality that I had nothing to say but I did have something to do! I walked straight into the bedroom and lied down.
Settled in I began flicking through my phone looking for something to read so I could fall asleep through it.
I heard and saw the shadow of foot steps approaching bedroom door to come in and reacted bizarrely by flipping my phone upside down on pillow. All so that it’s screen light disappears, and in doing so I get to give off the illusion that I’m asleep (to whoever it was coming ~my sister in law or the kids~)
I was taken aback by my sudden reaction, it felt like it was accompanied by a panic like energy. It felt so surreal that my actions to follow just mirrored the bizarreness of it all. I responded to whatever just happened with a curious compassion.
I asked myself inwardly & wonderingly
“What was that? Why did you do that”
Something coming from deep within me replied in an honest, raw, soft yet frustrated type of way…
“I was afraid!”
I felt empathy and asked concerned “Why are you afraid?”
and whatever was speaking back to me replied “They will think I’m available”
All of this happened in a matter of seconds.I sat there numb and shocked as my mind flinched out a memory of me as a child.
I grew up in a household where I was the only girl and had a lot of brothers. My mum unintentionally had the dysfunctional programming of boys will be boys and girls responsible.
This meant not only were my needs irrelevant, but the concept of me just ‘being’ was alien. The child me therefore understood that, if mum saw me just lying down resting like I was when trying to fall asleep in real time, reading off of my phone. She would have seen it as I’m not tired, that I am awake and if there was something she needed doing, finding or in general help with, it would ok to ask and expect it.
I would have complied even if I felt burdened because subconsciously I was disconnected from my needs. This lack of self agency paved way for my shadow to leak through, by the time I turned 15. It led to not a single care given to household, type of rebellion. I became like my brothers. Shortly afterwards I left home and moved in with my dad using college as an excuse, so I didn’t hurt my mums feelings.
Living with him freed up so much space in my head and heart. I had nothing to do in his house but just be, he took pride in his home. In his free time he would sit and write or draw. I was very drawn to his energy and his nurturing was effortless. I found myself often just liking to sit near him in living room doing my homework or talking. When I returned home from college I’d be making plans to make us a meal. Only to find he made his one special dolmio and pasta dish.
(My dad was the first person I ever saw acknowledge my needs and express them in situations where they were ignored. When I think of being “seen” I remember him)
(I know I’m digressing, my heart runs away with me when I talk about him. But back to original story of post )
My inner child saw the footsteps approaching and presumed my being on the phone will give off the impression that I’m available for conversation.
I completely understood her and found myself validating her apprehension by saying…You don’t have to be afraid anymore, I got you. Read what you want and if anyone does come in and presumes you’re available to talk or what have you. I’ll let them know the truth, that you’re not.’
I was so firm in what I said and had 100% conviction about it. I was filled with so much love and understanding for this part of me and in a conscious way.
I didn’t even realise till afterwards when I felt the knot in my heart dissipate, along with the hyper vigilance. That the reason why I was failing to have a nap. Was because my inner child was finessing/looking for a moment to do it, where it felt safety established for itself. It was scanning for ways that contradicted her worries before proceeding to do it.
This is why when I came out of the bathroom, my ego (acting to safeguard my inner child from its concerns about interruption ) tried to lead me to the kitchen to make myself seen. To then have a nonsensical conversation with my sister in law. All with the intention of making sure that I’m not looked for when I slip off to sleep.
I think what took over and made me turn left straight into bedroom was my soul. I remember it so clearly, it literally interrupted the egos plan with a firm energy that can only be best described as “fk this” This then taught me a phenomena I gave myself creative licence to name as “soul hostile takeover”
When my inner child ‘left the building’ of my consciousness. I lied down and began reading. I heard the footsteps again in the hallway. Only this time there was no hyper vigilance because of it.
I had no reaction to it at all. There was just a tranquil feeling and before I knew it I fell into a deep slumber.
2 hours later I briefly woke up only to fall back asleep again without a struggle. I woke up because my sister in law was nearby a cupboard next to me.
When I looked up, she whispered ‘sorry babe just came in looking for something’ She commented about me sleeping with my robe on and wondered if I was too warm. I said I was ok and felt cosier that way. She then bent over to kiss me on the forehead and pulled blanket over me.
I never told her but as she left room a tear fell from my eyes. As I fell back asleep realising it was my inner child who received her love and kiss. Along with protection, attunement and understanding from me.
I later learnt that this encounter also meant my healing growth that proceeded it, is what allowed my inner child to trust me enough to show up.
I will never forget the words “I’m afraid’ followed by ‘They will think I’m available’
No wonder the adult me was always looking for relief. I loved giving others what I wanted deeply for myself too.
The relief I wanted was received by me, from the part of me that needed it most. (My inner child)
Our unmet needs can only ever be satisfied and met best, when it comes from within our own selves.
If there is love in your heart and a lot going on in your life that hurts, than there is just love in your heart and a lot going on…. Don’t try and extinguish what’s in your heart, to exercise a false sense of control over whats going on in your life.
Love being in your heart in spite of, is in itself a truth that when micromanaged or compartmentalised in any way, through edits of resistance from ones ego consciousness suffering can ensue.
Suffering ends when we become real with our truths. To re align find the rejected or resisted truth.
Love is a state of being that beams no matter what your head space is spewing in a moment due to some pain or grief.
When it’s true it just is, without any conditions regulating its state.
The greatest gift love comes to give is its willingness to collude with our soul. To teach us, that on the sometimes painstaking journey to wholeness. Only through the acceptance of the presence of its beam will we make it unfragmented. That this can be achieved and to truly self actualise, the heart can not be blocked, or it’s truth repressed because ones ego consciousness doesn’t know how or even want to make space for it.
We can leave alone the love that’s there and still erect healthy boundaries. We can leave alone the love that’s there and not abandon ourselves.
Truly the ultimate test of true love is about shining a light on our potential to let love flow, in spite of all that calls us to deny and resist its existence. It’s about healing the obstacles in the way of this. As the obstacles are also the same ones that block our route to wholeness.
If there is love in your heart and a lot going on in your life that hurts, than there is just love in your heart and a lot going on.This in itself is a truth that when micromanaged or compartmentalised in anyway, with edits of resistance from ego, suffering can ensue.
Suffering ends when we become real with our truths and the truth here is that a state of love in our heart, should be acknowledged and prioritised because it’s our state of being in a moment.
I use to think it’s the business of the one it’s felt for too. This thinking was the battlefield my ego won on so many rounds because when I love you and you hurt me, when I love you and im feeling neglected. I suffer the results of the warped perception, that my love is also the responsibility of the external factors it relates to.
My inability to get rid of the love in my heart, (because I saw it as a part of another who through my perception didn’t do right by it) was percieved as defeat. To leave it alone was to me validation of the experience that bought me to the internal conflict in the first place. My ego wanted me to wrap up my feelings and throw it away and my soul wanted me to embrace it unconditionally. To not fight the current of what is, but rather to flow with it.
When love beams through you it’s a state of being that engulfs you. You can resist it and suffer or let it be and realise that you don’t have to share what’s within, by default that it is within.
You can can take inventory of all thatseeks out what’s in your inner world and let your hearts resonance decide if its worthy of a response.
I’m learning through my soul, that to hold space for the love in my heart, is to not be emotionally unavailable to myself. But rather to be available unconditionally.
Who would of thought that the door to liberation in this matter, was the very one I closed because I perceived it to be entrapment.
Trapped in vulnerability
Trapped in fear
Trapped by a perception that did not really see me.
Only Allah can take away the illusions that entrap us and put in its place his grace that guides & empowers us.
When love is percieved as your business you become the captain of your ship. Sailing through the storms of life in the direction of what fulfils you. Protecting your essence, your gold because it’s of value & more importantly understanding what it truly means to value what’s yours first and foremost yourself.
I didn’t realise how painful my truth could be until I stopped resisting a crucial one that told me I wasn’t at peace.
I was astonished by how easily my non peace then transmuted into peace, by simply embracing that truth and not resisting it.
I didnt consciously experience true surrender until I emptied out my heart to Allah and the words “I refuse..” came out as I did, only to suddenly see it intercepted with the realisation that I couldn’t refuse what is and so I didn’t and there it was….the light liberating feeling of surrender. Enveloping me with the peace that was blocked out, by the mental position I was unconciously guarding in matter.
Some days later the transcendence above, ushered me into a new time line where I found & discovered myself carrying a profound truth. One where I knew I loved certain people, whose behaviour I was not enthusiastic about. There is no either or, both state of beings encapsulated my true feelings and that is OK. Yet very telling..
I thought my lack of enthusiasm was a form of judgement at first so I resisted that to, like a void in my heart respect would have otherwise filled. I felt that If I could give meaning to how I felt about another’s behaviour that I wasn’t enthusiastic about, then how I felt would be valid. But how I feel is valid even if my mind has not grasped its reasons fully yet & it can’t until I feed it this new awareness to file in its archive, because the old one was programmed to not register how I feel.
It’s not my task to find meaning in what another does it’s my task to discern what it means to me and why, that’s the meaning that matters. What does it teach me? What can I transcend through it etc
In acceptance & understanding of this, I found a world of clarity behind the lack of enthusiasm I felt because it didn’t mask the love I feel for the other, nor does it wrestle or compete with it. (Unless ego enters equation) All of it just is, Inner turmoil is a result of being pulled apart at the seams of your truth and true harmony is established in the abence of the fragmentation of any part of you.
This was a truth I struggled to give a home to, a truth i resisted until i had to face the incongruency inside me, that was not willing to give resistance, a home in its place. It was a truth I was consciously embracing holistically.
I may love a person for who they are holistically but my security and wellbeing is my responsibility, to give myself and to maintain in a space that doesn’t hinder how I thrive in doing that in any way. So if you behave in ways that don’t honour or take into considerations my needs as a human being. I have to believe not resist what I feel because the only closure I need is the one I discern for myself. Uninfluenced by my egos judgment of ones actions and unaffected by others lack of understanding towards my discernment itself.
What one needs, respects, holds space for, or resonates with, are all matters dictated by ones values and heart not intellectualisation of affairs and conditioned mental positions. When you can’t accept your truth, resentment flourishes through blame or judgment and people judge because they are either not standing in their power or are giving it away. In this case their power that would accept what is.
Bitter truths aren’t the enemy they are gateways to making informed decisions about what you should sacrifice or prioritise. Your wellbeing shouldn’t be up for negotiation in the former, ever.
I think this is what Maya Angelou meant by “When someone shows you who they are believe them”
Inability to do so, is a result of resistance towards a bitter truth and it’s that resistance that fragments an individual depriving them of inner harmony. There is a conflict within that occurs, that can only be neutralised and stabilised through unconditional commitment to how one feels.
You know today I was out walking and it suddenly dawned on me, the wisdom behind how my life in the past couple of years unfolded. As I listened to my egos whispering of what it would have loved to have done, with all that I’m cognisant of now. I smiled inwardly as I witnessed the subtle truth that though those musings made me chuckle, I loved more & wholeheartedly what Allah did.
Like I just can’t even fathom the immense wisdom behind his plan for me. The kind you can only connect, when you look back.
I genuinely believe certain swords in my back, were best left there for the divine himself to pull out. Rather than my ego which was the only way of life I was acustomed to before.
I know this would be the most gassed thing I probably could say about myself, but ever since I became consciously aware of my worth as a soul, I feel a sense of protection around who I share myself with and what I associate my self with. In all areas of my life, especially in the one thing that’s borrowed which is time. I couldn’t feel more content in sharing my life with the people in it and in the ways and things I now aspire to.
It’s unbelievable to me that in all my years in this world, the criteria I judge worth by, finally is what’s worthy of me? Instead of an unconscious am I worthy.
I think what happened today was a silent ceremony where I was made to look at the swords from my past and with contentment buried it with gratitude accompanied by the remembrance of Allah. Gratitude for the space I needed that his way created. Space in which I was able to realise my soul and the expansive inner mansion it had for me….called home.
The soul learns and transcends while the ego cares for right and wrongs. I don’t anymore.