First Encounter with my Inner child

It was sometime in September 2018  I was visiting my brother and his wife. It was mid afternoon, feeling really depleted I needed to have a power nap. 

Unfortuntely I wasted the time I could have slept so idly. It’s like I just couldn’t settle myself to do it. 

During one of my idle moments, I popped into the balcony where my brother was resting. We began a conversation about life, this and that. My being tired came up and when he told me to go rest I replied…

“I tried bro but I can’t, I’ll just wait for night fall”

He asked why? and I responded with “I don’t know but several attempts failed. I think this is just one of those houses, that I can’t sleep during day in”

I felt this strange feeling that matched the facial expression on my brothers face come up. I shrugged conversation off, but the feeling stayed with me.

(His expression and my feeling reminds me of this emoji 🤔)

My intuition piped up to join in on the reactions. It made an observation and left me some homework. It said ‘that sounds good, but what does it mean exactly?’

Upon quickly reflecting I found that I was in agreement. What I said did sound good because it wrapped things up somewhat logically. Yet I had no real idea about what it meant.

Fast forward another few hours later. My brother had left and my sister in law wanted to hit the town centre. She took with her my 6 year old and her youngest. My eldest son and nephew were left in the house with me.

We both thought I’d get some rest while she was out. But the same thing happened again, I couldn’t find an appropriate moment to take the nap. Even though the kids were settled in near by, watching a movie or playing their game console quietly. I still couldn’t fall asleep.

The time rolled by and whilst in the bathroom my sister in law returned home. She was in the kitchen putting shopping away and I could see her at the end of the hall way as I exited bathroom. 

I felt this polite somewhat compulsive urge to go over to acknowledge she returned home? But got contradicted by an inspiration telling me to turn left into her bedroom and sleep!

I stood there baffled for about 2 seconds and suddenly I lost decisive control. Something just took over, acknowledging the reality that I had nothing to say but I did have something to do!

I found myself in the bedroom, got onto bed and lied down. Settled in I began flicking through my phone looking for something to read and fall asleep with. 

I then heard and saw the shadow of foot steps approaching bedroom door to come in. I then reacted bizarrely flipping my phone upside down on pillow. So that it’s screen light disappears. Hoping to give off the illusion that I’m asleep, to whoever it was coming in. (My sister in law or any of the kids)

I was taken aback by my sudden reaction it felt like it was accompanied by a panic like energy. It felt so surreal that my actions to follow just mirrored the bizarreness of it all.  I responded to whatever just happened with a curious compassion.

I asked myself inwardly & wonderingly

What was that? Why did you do that”

Something coming from deep within me replied in an honest, raw, soft yet frustrated type of way…

I was afraid!”

I felt empathy and asked concerned “Why are you afraid?”

and whatever was speaking back to me replied “They will think I’m available”

I sat there numb and shocked as my mind flinched out a memory of me as a child.

I grew up in a household where I was the only girl and had a lot of brothers. My mum unintentionally had the dysfunctional programming of boys will be boys and girls responsible.

This meant not only were my needs irrelevant, but the concept of me just being was alien. The child me therefore understood that, if mum saw me just lying down resting like I was when trying to fall asleep in real time, reading off of my phone. She would have seen it as I’m not tired, that I am awake and if there was something she needed doing, finding or in general help with its perfectly ok to ask and expect it.  

I would have complied even if I felt burdened because subconsciously I was disconnected from my needs. This lack of self agency paved way for my shadow to leak through, by the time I turned 15.  It led to not a single care given to household, type of rebellion. I became like my brothers. Shortly afterwards I left home and moved in with my dad using college as an excuse, so I didn’t hurt my mums feelings. 

Living with him freed up so much space in my head and heart. I had nothing to do in his house but just be, he took pride in his home. In his free time he would sit and write or draw. I was very drawn to his energy and his nurturing was effortless I found myself often just liking to sit near him in living room doing my homework or talking. When I returned home from college I’d be making plans to make us a meal. Only to find he made his one special dolmio and pasta dish lol being a carnivore id say brb dad and would go grab some fried chicken to eat it with. 

(My dad was the first person I ever saw acknowledge my needs and express them in situations where they were ignored. When I think of being “seen” I remember him) 

(I know I’m digressing, my heart runs away with me when I talk about him. But back to original story of post )

My inner child saw the footsteps approaching and presumed my being on the phone will give the illusion that I’m available for conversation.

I completely understood her and found myself saying. ‘You don’t have to be afraid anymore, I got you. Read what you want and if anyone does come in and presumes you’re available to talk or what have you. I’ll let them know the truth that you’re not.’

I was so firm in what I said and had 100% conviction about it. I was filled with so much love and understanding for this part of me and in a conscious way.

I didn’t even realise till afterwards when I felt the knot in my heart dissipate, along with the hyper vigilance. That the reason why I was failing  to have a nap. Was because my inner child was finessing/looking for a moment to do it, where it felt safety established for itself. It was scanning for ways that contradicted her worries before proceeding to do it.

This is why when I came out the bathroom, my ego (acting to safeguard my inner child from its concerns of interruption )  tried to lead me to the kitchen to make myself seen. To then have a nonsensical conversation. All with the intention of making sure that I’m not looked for when I slip off to sleep. 

I think what took over and made me turn left straight into bedroom was my soul. I remember it so clearly, it literally interrupted the egos plan with a firm energy that can only be best described as “fk this”

When my inner child ‘left the building’ of my consciousness I lied down and began reading. I heard the footsteps again in the hallway. Only this time there was no hyper vigilance because of it. 

I had no reaction to it at all. There was just a tranquil feeling and before I knew it I fell into a deep slumber.

2 hours later I briefly woke up only to fall back asleep again without a struggle. I woke up because my sister in law was nearby a cupboard next to me. 

When I looked up, she  whispered ‘sorry babe just came in looking for something’ She commented about me sleeping with my robe on and wondered if I was too warm. I said I was ok and felt cosier that way. She then bent over to kiss me on the forehead and pulled blanket over me.

I never told her but as she left room a tear fell from my eyes. As I fell back asleep realising it was my inner child who received her love and kiss.

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Or it will forever live abandoned within you, looking for other ways to get it

I later learnt that this encounter also meant my healing growth that proceeded it, is what allowed my inner child to trust me enough to show up.

I will never forget the words “I’m afraid’ followed by ‘They will think I’m available’

No wonder the adult me was always looking for relief. I loved giving others what I wanted deeply for myself too.

The relief I wanted was received by me from the part of me that needed it most. (My inner child) 

Our unmet needs can only ever be satisfied and met best, when it comes from within our own selves. 

What you seek is seeking you. 

Truth & Acceptance

If there is love in your heart and a lot going on in your life that hurts, than there is just love in your heart and a lot going on…. Don’t try and extinguish what’s in your heart, to exercise a false sense of control over whats going on in your life.

Love being in your heart in spite of, is in itself a truth that when micromanaged or compartmentalised in any way, through  edits of resistance from ego,  suffering can ensue.

Suffering ends when you become real with your truth & when you ain’t real you suffer, because you are completely out of alignment with your soul. To re align find the rejected or resisted truth. 

 

 

Love & it’s Acceptance

Love is a state of being that beams no matter what your head space is spewing in a moment due to some pain or grief.

When it’s true it just is, without any conditions regulating its state. 

The greatest gift love comes to give is its willingness to collude with our soul. To teach us, that on the sometimes painstaking journey to wholeness. Only through the acceptance of the presence of its beam will we make it unfragmented. That this can be achieved and to truly self actualise, the heart can not be blocked, or it’s truth repressed  because the ego doesn’t know how to make space for it. 

We can leave alone the love that’s there and still erect healthy boundaries. We can leave alone the love that’s there and not abandon ourselves.  

Truly the ultimate test of true love is about shining a light on our potential to let love flow, in spite of all that calls us to deny and resist its existence. It’s about healing the obstacles in the way of this. As the obstacles are also the same ones that block our route to wholeness.

If there is love in your heart and a lot going on in your life that hurts, than there is just love in your heart and a lot going on. This in itself is a truth that when micromanaged or compartmentalised in anyway, with edits of resistance from ego, suffering can ensue. 

Suffering ends when you become real with your truth and the truth here is that a state of love in your heart, is your business because it’s your state of being in a moment.

 I use to think it’s the business of the one it’s felt for too. This thinking was the battlefield my ego won on so many rounds because when I love you and you hurt me, when I love you and im feeling neglected. I suffer the results of the warped perception, that my love is also the responsibility of the external factors it relates to.

My inability to get rid of the love in my heart, (because I saw it as a part of another who through my perception didn’t do right by it) was percieved as defeat. To leave it alone was to me validation of the experience that bought me to the internal conflict in the first place.  My ego wanted me to wrap up my feelings and throw it away and my soul wanted me to embrace it unconditionally. To not fight the current of what is, but rather to flow with it. 

When love beams through you it’s a state of being that engulfs you. You can resist it and suffer or let it be and realise that you don’t have to share what’s within by default that it is within.  

You can can take inventory of all that seeks out what’s in your inner world and let your hearts resonance decide if its worthy of a response.

I’m learning through my soul, that to hold space for the love in my heart, is to not be emotionally unavailable to myself but in its stead to be available unconditionally.

Who would of thought that the door to liberation in this matter, was the very one I closed because I perceived it to be entrapment. 

Trapped in vulnerability 

Trapped in fear 

Trapped by a perception that did not really see me.

Only Allah can take away the illusions that entrap you and put in its place his grace that guides & empowers you.

When love is percieved as your business you become the captain of your ship. Sailing through the storms of life in the direction of what fulfils you. Protecting your essence, your gold because it’s of value & more importantly understanding what it truly means to value what’s yours first and foremost yourself.  

 

 

Bitter Truths

I didn’t realise how painful my truth could be until I stopped resisting a crucial one that told me I wasn’t at peace.

I was astonished by how easily my non peace then transmuted into peace, by simply embracing that truth and not resisting it.

I didnt consciously experience true surrender until I emptied out my heart to Allah and the words “I refuse..” came out as I did, only to suddenly see it intercepted with the realisation that I couldn’t refuse what is and so I didn’t and there it was….the light liberating feeling of surrender. Enveloping me with the peace that was blocked out,  by the mental position I was unconciously guarding in matter.

Some days later the transcendence above, ushered me into a new time line where I found & discovered myself carrying a profound truth. One where I knew I loved certain people, whose behaviour I was not enthusiastic about. There is no either or, both state of beings encapsulated my true feelings and that is OK. Yet very telling..

I thought my lack of enthusiasm was a form of judgement at first so I resisted that to, like a void in my heart respect would have otherwise filled. I felt that If I could give meaning to how I felt about another’s behaviour that I wasn’t enthusiastic about, then how I felt would be valid. But how I feel is valid even if my mind has not grasped its reasons fully yet & it can’t until I feed it this new awareness to file in its archive, because the old one was programmed to not register how I feel. 

It’s  not my task to find meaning in what another does it’s my task to discern what it means to me and why, that’s the meaning that matters.  What does it teach me? What can I transcend through it etc

In acceptance & understanding of this, I found a world of clarity behind the lack of enthusiasm I felt because it didn’t mask the love I feel for the other, nor does it wrestle or compete with it. (Unless ego enters equation) All of it just is, Inner turmoil is a result of being pulled apart at the seams of your truth and true harmony is established in the abence of the fragmentation of any part of you. 

This was a truth I struggled to give a home to, a truth i resisted until i had to face the incongruency inside me, that was not willing to give resistance, a home in its place. It was a truth I was consciously embracing holistically.

I may love a person for who they are holistically but my security and wellbeing is my responsibility, to give myself and to maintain in a space that doesn’t hinder how I thrive in doing that in any way. So if you behave in ways that don’t honour or take into considerations my needs as a human being. I have to believe not resist what I feel because the only closure I need is the one I discern for myself. Uninfluenced by my egos judgment of ones actions and unaffected by others lack of understanding towards my discernment itself.

What one needs, respects, holds space for, or resonates with, are all matters dictated by ones  values and heart not intellectualisation of affairs and conditioned mental positions. When you can’t accept your truth, resentment flourishes through blame or judgment and people judge because they are either not standing in their power or are giving it away. In this case their power that would accept what is. 

Bitter truths aren’t the enemy they are  gateways to making informed decisions about what you should sacrifice or prioritise. Your wellbeing shouldn’t be up for negotiation in the former, ever.

I think this is what Maya Angelou meant by “When someone shows you who they are believe them”

Inability to do so, is a result of resistance towards a bitter truth and it’s that resistance that fragments an individual depriving them of inner harmony. There is a conflict within that occurs, that can only be neutralised and stabilised through unconditional commitment to how one feels. 

 

3am Mind

You know today I was out walking and it suddenly dawned on me, the wisdom behind how my life in the past couple of years unfolded. As I listened to my egos whispering of what it would have loved to have done, with all that I’m cognisant of now. I smiled inwardly as I witnessed the subtle truth that though those musings made me chuckle, I loved more & wholeheartedly what Allah did.

Like I just can’t even fathom the immense wisdom behind his plan for me. The kind you can only connect, when you look back.

I genuinely believe certain swords in my back, were best left there for the divine himself to pull out. Rather than my ego which was the only way of life I was acustomed to before.

I know this would be the most gassed thing I probably could say about myself, but ever since I became consciously aware of my worth as a soul, I feel a sense of protection around who I share myself with and what I associate my self with. In all areas of my life, especially in the one thing that’s borrowed which is time. I couldn’t feel more content in sharing my life with the people in it and in the ways and things I now aspire to. 

It’s unbelievable to me that in all my years in this world, the criteria I judge worth by, finally is what’s worthy of me? Instead of an unconscious am I worthy.

I think what happened today was a silent ceremony where I was made to look at the swords from my past and with contentment buried it with gratitude accompanied by the remembrance of Allah. Gratitude for the space I needed that his way created. Space in which I was able to realise my soul and the expansive inner mansion it had for me….called home. 

The soul learns and transcends while the ego cares for right and wrongs. I don’t anymore.