Bitter Truths

I didn’t realise how painful my truth could be until I stopped resisting a crucial one that told me I wasn’t at peace.

I was astonished by how easily my non peace then transmuted into peace, by simply embracing that truth and not resisting it.

I didnt consciously experience true surrender until I emptied out my heart to Allah and the words “I refuse..” came out as I did, only to suddenly see it intercepted with the realisation that I couldn’t refuse what is and so I didn’t and there it was….the light liberating feeling of surrender. Enveloping me with the peace that was blocked out,  by the mental position I was unconciously guarding in matter.

Some days later the transcendence above, ushered me into a new time line where I found & discovered myself carrying a profound truth. One where I knew I loved certain people, whose behaviour I was not enthusiastic about. There is no either or, both state of beings encapsulated my true feelings and that is OK. Yet very telling..

I thought my lack of enthusiasm was a form of judgement at first so I resisted that to, like a void in my heart respect would have otherwise filled. I felt that If I could give meaning to how I felt about another’s behaviour that I wasn’t enthusiastic about, then how I felt would be valid. But how I feel is valid even if my mind has not grasped its reasons fully yet & it can’t until I feed it this new awareness to file in its archive, because the old one was programmed to not register how I feel. 

It’s  not my task to find meaning in what another does it’s my task to discern what it means to me and why, that’s the meaning that matters.  What does it teach me? What can I transcend through it etc

In acceptance & understanding of this, I found a world of clarity behind the lack of enthusiasm I felt because it didn’t mask the love I feel for the other, nor does it wrestle or compete with it. (Unless ego enters equation) All of it just is, Inner turmoil is a result of being pulled apart at the seams of your truth and true harmony is established in the abence of the fragmentation of any part of you. 

This was a truth I struggled to give a home to, a truth i resisted until i had to face the incongruency inside me, that was not willing to give resistance, a home in its place. It was a truth I was consciously embracing holistically.

I may love a person for who they are holistically but my security and wellbeing is my responsibility, to give myself and to maintain in a space that doesn’t hinder how I thrive in doing that in any way. So if you behave in ways that don’t honour or take into considerations my needs as a human being. I have to believe not resist what I feel because the only closure I need is the one I discern for myself. Uninfluenced by my egos judgment of ones actions and unaffected by others lack of understanding towards my discernment itself.

What one needs, respects, holds space for, or resonates with, are all matters dictated by ones  values and heart not intellectualisation of affairs and conditioned mental positions. When you can’t accept your truth, resentment flourishes through blame or judgment and people judge because they are either not standing in their power or are giving it away. In this case their power that would accept what is. 

Bitter truths aren’t the enemy they are  gateways to making informed decisions about what you should sacrifice or prioritise. Your wellbeing shouldn’t be up for negotiation in the former, ever.

I think this is what Maya Angelou meant by “When someone shows you who they are believe them”

Inability to do so, is a result of resistance towards a bitter truth and it’s that resistance that fragments an individual depriving them of inner harmony. There is a conflict within that occurs, that can only be neutralised and stabilised through unconditional commitment to how one feels. 

 

3am Mind

You know today I was out walking and it suddenly dawned on me, the wisdom behind how my life in the past couple of years unfolded. As I listened to my egos whispering of what it would have loved to have done, with all that I’m cognisant of now. I smiled inwardly as I witnessed the subtle truth that though those musings made me chuckle, I loved more & wholeheartedly what Allah did.

Like I just can’t even fathom the immense wisdom behind his plan for me. The kind you can only connect, when you look back.

I genuinely believe certain swords in my back, were best left there for the divine himself to pull out. Rather than my ego which was the only way of life I was acustomed to before.

I know this would be the most gassed thing I probably could say about myself, but ever since I became consciously aware of my worth as a soul, I feel a sense of protection around who I share myself with and what I associate my self with. In all areas of my life, especially in the one thing that’s borrowed which is time. I couldn’t feel more content in sharing my life with the people in it and in the ways and things I now aspire to. 

It’s unbelievable to me that in all my years in this world, the criteria I judge worth by, finally is what’s worthy of me? Instead of an unconscious am I worthy.

I think what happened today was a silent ceremony where I was made to look at the swords from my past and with contentment buried it with gratitude accompanied by the remembrance of Allah. Gratitude for the space I needed that his way created. Space in which I was able to realise my soul and the expansive inner mansion it had for me….called home. 

The soul learns and transcends while the ego cares for right and wrongs. I don’t anymore.