Grieve for what didn’t Happen.

It’s not easy to unconditionally accept all of your needs because it requires brutal truth about what they are. An experience of betrayal unfolding before you can be emotionally traumatic. You could be witnessing in a moment intentional cruelty. I read some where how one of the most over looked causes for emotional trauma is a ‘humiliating or deeply disappointing experience’…..certain events that lead to any of the above lead to trauma if it happened unexpectedly, if you were unprepared for it or if you felt powerless to prevent it.

What struck me most is the truth that such a cause is over looked. It isn’t something we associate trauma with. We are unconcious of the reality as it is experienced and we do not even register it for what it actually is. This over looked cause of emotional trauma, is actually the most common, that in itself is disturbing.

I mean how many people are out there in the very throes of emotional trauma and those around them witnessing it, including themselves are non the wiser? 

Awareness of trauma becomes diluted or  fogged out as one feels shocked, indenial or disbelief. There is confusion and disorientation up in the mix, because the symptoms of trauma are honed in on without necessarily realising, that the reality in the moment is you are traumatised by what just happened….

The symptom isn’t the cause, the cause gives birth to the symptoms. So you are in shock because you are traumatised. You are in disbelief because you’re traumatised. In denial and confused by what just happened because it traumatised you.

Feeling powerless to prevent an emotionally traumatic event, happens most when what shocks you are the actions of someone else, someone you didn’t want to experience such actions from. You feel the choices another  makes in a moment, consisting of callousness towards you and total disregard for your honour or worth. You couldn’t prevent it because you do not have control of no ones actions but your self.

This is what makes your needs your true needs that weren’t met. Very RAW and vulnerable to accept. Your needs are all that is linked to what you hoped would have happened. Imagine giving shelter to those needs in your heart, during or after the fact of an emotionally traumatic event. It’s extremely vulnerable, because one’s internal narrative isn’t compassionate it’s critical and shaming. This is why unconditionally accepting your needs and feelings isn’t an easy feat for most. 

To accept them UNCONDITIONALLY is to for example be honest that you desired love when you were being shown disdain. You desired value when violated and honour when humiliated by people who had a duty of care towards you. To accept your desire for safety, when harmed, is purity of heart. 

Its purity of heart because it stems from unconditional self love. Accepting your needs that weren’t met, to the ego is death because it was never rooted in self love to begin with. It’s root is in survival. The ego sees the antagonist as the enemy. It’s too soon or too raw to associate your true vulnerable needs to the antagonist. Fk the antagonist. When the ego doubles down on the story it takes you further away from self love. You swim in the illusion of protection the illusion of guarding yourself.

Why do we care to desire what we do from them? Is how the ego presents its case. But the question is warped in falsehood it doesn’t require an answer it requires a challenge with the truth.

I do not care to desire what I do from them, I CARE to desire it for myself. It’s what I deserve. It’s representative of my inherent worth.

This antagonist could have been your friend, your partner, a relative or your child. Before the traumatic event you were cool and then things went left. Just because the reality changed because of the choices made, doesn’t mean the heart did too.

So grieve for what you hoped that didn’t happen. Grieve the love, haq/truth, justice, and integrity you didn’t receive.

Grieve it’s absence just grieve.

It isn’t the same as grieving loss of a relationship with the antagonist. It’s simply grieving all that the betrayal replaced.

This is unconditionally accepting your needs. This is unconditional self love.

In grieving the above you acknowledge your worth & you stand in your power. The ego tells you in resistance you are strong. In rejection you have strategy. In judgement you understand. In shaming you are above and in blame you are establishing  boundaries

Healing starts the moment you accept what happened. There is no healing without unconditional self love & acceptance.

Grieve in the space grudge wishes to grow. You will find relief that replenishes you not resentment that keeps you locked in.