What you repress only magnifies, what you deny holds you hostage. Feel & let go, embrace & let god.
What you repress only magnifies, what you deny holds you hostage. Feel & let go, embrace & let god.
“You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” -Brené Brown
Worthiness is hustled because you become disconnected from your worth when your story isn’t owned by you. The hustle happens within even though our worth neither increases nor decreases because it’s fixed in state since we are born with it. When our story isn’t owned our worthiness isn’t felt hence the internal hustle for it and it isn’t felt because it’s blocked by shame. What does not owning your story mean? I am not referring to denial or delusion which is some of the ways people refuse to own their story. I am referring to not going within enough and thus missing the root of a matter that has hurt you.
What he/she they or society did is 10% of the story the other 90% is how it made you truly feel. That raw feeling inside that wants to address the kind of untruths about your self that you may even intellectually recognise for what it is, but for the life in you can’t fathom why its poison effects you still. Your story is your vulnerability. Owning that is how breakthroughs happen.
A breakthrough I believe is something that creeps up on you. It isn’t like a shift, a shift is part of a process, where in order for you to proceed on your journey its needed as fuel. I feel a shift can be sensed and felt as it happens but a breakthrough you can’t. A shift is like a green light telling you to cross over to another side where the grass is green and the sky is bright. It’s a change in perception and a new found perspective about yourself and about life.
A breakthrough is a culimination of a matter that yesterday was hurting you and today you’ve realised you’ve gone passed its pain and entered a state of true inner peace. A breakthrough is the realisation that the hook that aligned you with the negative emotions of grief, sorrow, anger, shame and resentment that you felt has been removed, has been healed. Most mistake a shift for a breakthrough.
Breakthroughs are the true blessings in healing, it’s the ease after the hardship. It isn’t indifference to what happened it’s transcendence over it. For example you have alchemised the energy of pain into direction, grief into gaining your self, sorrow into self compassion. Anger into values that gave birth to solid boundaries. Shame into self empathy that made you switch lanes from that hazardous route shame set you upon most of your life. As for resentment? I believe it’s transmuted into wisdom the kind that ensures you do not end up making a u-turn back there, back where? To the places and things and people that didn’t honour your soul. To the energetic fields you entered unconsciously because you were separated and therefore neglectful of your own soul.
When you are in a healthy state of being i.e connected to yourself with no unconcious programmings sabotaging your flow. The past serves to reasonably inform the present. When you are not in such a state the past serves to hijack the present.
Why is the past informing the present so beneficial? Because life is continuous, it goes on and so situations that mirror or reflect matters, pertaining to what led to your spiritual growth in the first place do rear its head again in subtle ways. These matters are opportunities to practice what you’ve learnt. To make your new substance part of your subconscious flow. The past can help with this as it contains intimate details of all the lessons you learnt, all the discoveries you made. The growths that occurred through the pain you chose to feel, heal and release.
As you go forward in life be grateful for the hooks Allah removed and continues to. Be grateful for his infinite wisdom and his grace that guided you to see, understand and recieve clarity about the things, that had he not guided you about, would have left you lost and stuck on a hamsters wheel.
You can only connect the dots when you look back and that is because the past is informing your present, your intuition is confirming and you are listening. As new doors open, you find new truths that are gifts meant to carry you through to the next phase of your journey to self actualise. A phase of maturity, empowerment, deeper self love and acceptance.
Healing is a process that is deeply intimate and important. It can not occur with out self honesty, resilience and patience. As you venture out you will feel lighter because the old baggage is gone. When you feel heavy because of a new load (because life is continuous and there is so much more to learn) then it can be appreciated and understood that the past informing the present is actually a present from Allah. It’s a reminder of the things you found on the paths you took that facilitated your growth, your healing. Reminders benefit the faithful.
I’ve learnt that there is no wrong path, for all paths traversed happened in order to teach something, reveal something. To add a layer of something needed, to you. Or to peel back a layer of something no longer required from you.
When the process of healing is bypassed in any way, the past pops up through memories that cause suffering through shame. That is how it hijacks the present.
“When we own our own stories, we avoid being trapped as characters in the stories someone else is telling.” -Brené Brown, Rising Strong
We also avoid being trapped in the stories we tell ourselves. The kind of stories that block you from receiving your own love and the love of those who love you. Because that’s how shame operates, like shaytan eating your food because you didn’t say bismillah and then wondering why you don’t feel that full. You are robbed and unaware of how because you can’t see it externally nor can you compute it mentally as it happens.
When you own your story your character in that shame inducing story dies in your mind because it is in your mind that it is kept alive in the first place. When you own it, it becomes like that character in a tv series who exited in season 4.
Where did they end up? In the absence of shame they ended up with self empathy. They stopped defacing their soul. They own their intentions and their actions that they felt ashamed of because of how it was received or treated. Self empathy reminds them the shame narrative they attributed to their story is an illusion. Self empathy reminds them what was true from them, and how that is the only thing that matters. Only when you own your story do you get to transmute shame into empathy and compassion that leads to clarity and understanding. The soul structure intends to be built upon iron not straws.
The hooks fall off with the shame lensed glasses you took off. The past informs the present so they do not come back on.
The journey back to your natural disposition is tough love from Allah. This realisation transmutes so much in regards to lessons that mirror back your own self neglect. Through his tough love you are planned for and cared for. You can surrender to that plan and be grateful for that care. It’s implementation of hope & faith.
Truth feels light even if its point isnt pleasant I.e something that goes against you or a position you found comfort in. Truth isn’t heavy nor does it cause fatigue. What’s heavy and exhausting is ego narratives masquerading as truth. Whats heavy and exhausting is ego blocks that pull ones strings to resist truth.
Heaviness is a sign of absence of truth or contamination of it. What’s true feels light & the heart works in tandem with it. For me it compresses and tightens my chest as a way to communicate rejection of something and it releases its grip making way for inner peace to enter as an indication that all is now well. I.e I’ve adjusted a flaw. I call this process system error.
I find that the feeling of something being amiss communicates to me a truth is missing from an equation. Likewise my hearts compression and release activity, indicates my state of being in a moment accurately. I’m I one with the truth or have I prematurely received it? Is there more on this matter? If truth was 8 marbles did I pick up 10 or 7? 10 being symbolic for adding to the truth what’s not from it & 7, missing it by an inch yet not realise it. The compressions and release in my heart provide the answer.
My heart knows before my mind.
“I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.” ~Charles Cooley
The greatest gift you can give yourself is to take back your power of definition. The perception you have of yourself relies heavily on how you define things. How are you defining things? Is it based on a system of unconditional self love that houses your own values. Or a system of doubt that houses that of others?
If you have in any way let the opinions, truths, values and expectations of others guide or worse manage your reality. You need to take back your power of definition. Relinquishing that unconsciously is the root of the problem. A problem that can take years or even the good part of a life time for some to discover.
Your reality doesn’t hinge on things outside of you, if your heart doesn’t absorb something, it doesn’t. You can’t force it and you shouldn’t want to. Let the chips fall how it may, any cognitive dissonance that arises is Allah teaching you self trust. Your heart is your northern star not someone else’s listen to your own. Trust your own truth of who you are. Are you someone who has no agenda with truth? Are you someone who doesn’t lie to themselves and is open to growth however difficult? If yes then trust your heart and what it absorbs and doesn’t absorb .
Power of definition rests on trusting your hearts resonation. Especially when something is amiss, trust it even if it causes you turmoil. Clarity comes at dawn. leave the details behind implications of doing that, alone. The devil is in the detail for a reason, to get entangled in making sense of things, is how you lose your way to begin with.
We each have a system inside us that is sufficient to individually govern us. It’s unlocked by a key of self trust. A key you can’t access without unconditional self love.
Instead of scanning for an error in yourself as you are accustomed to. Trust your heart when it lovingly throws a middle finger up i.e when it stands firm against all odds. When it contradicts what you once held close. Firmness that doesn’t separate you from love is steadfastness.
Power of definition remains intact and whole when you let your heart define what is. Take off the lens that diverts you from stepping into your power of definition. It’s the mother of illusions. It Keeps one stuck in what was, as they miss what is. What is, is not threatened by what was. Not unless you are intolerant of the ebbs and flows of life.
When something disturbs you, you can either tense up against it or you can soften towards it.
To soften is to flow with, to tense up is to resist. I find when I soften I feel a warm wave descend over me, it feels like being carried by a warm sea. It feels like hunger met with a home cooked meal. It takes me to a shore of self compassion that leads to inner peace.
When ever I tensed up it felt like I was squeezing through a narrow lane. That suddenly got narrower the further I walked in. It was crushing and felt like oxygen was slipping away. It left me feeling abandoned and in a state of dejection not sometimes but always. I felt shame instead of compassion for myself. I found myself lost and a long way away from home.
Two ways, two different outcomes. I choose to soften now because I’ve experimented enough to know the results. Choose to soften towards emotions that sting, you will find love in the feelings that come after it not suffering. You will find Divine love that heals and restores. You will find divine love that teleports you home.
To your soul…
‘A door is closing as it should. As it must in order for the next door to open. Yes, there is a chance that there is a journey between the doors. Time to heal. Time to regroup. Time to shed and release the old and time to make space for the new. What will get you from one door to the next? Faith. Trust in yourself and in this process. What will keep your own light burning? Hope; even a shred is enough to get you there’ ~Anonymous
There is something about seeing the manifestation of something, that was once the source of a reoccuring doubt and anguish with many faces. There is something about this happening that has left me feeling deep awe and gratitude alhamdulilaah.
I realise as I looked on intuition pointing out “there is the fruit of your hope”
Hope feeling like a tangible thing waving at me. There it was in the moment, asserting its presence amongst this manifested thing, so that I’ll remember…
Remember the nights I cried as my ego told me so many lies. Remember the strains I felt as vulnerability led me into surrender. Remember the subtle ways Allah guided, so that I’ll be of those who are given hope as fuel, lest my heart was ripped asunder.
There is something about seeing such a blessing when you least expect it, that spurs you to go on. Something about Sky not being the limit that replenishes your hope.
Confidence increases when you realise all you have to ever do, all that is ever required of you, is to love your self unconditionally. The rest is Allah’s plan, weaved by his mighty, just and merciful hand. A plan that is for YOU not against you.
The things you doubted you would see you will inshallah, and in ways you never thought you would. Trust in him for the timing is also part of the gift You can only connect the dots when you look back.
Allah’s grace has a purpose that is to free you so that you be grateful. A gift from him that assists you in obtaining another gift (gratitude). The latter strangely is a gift that increases the possibility of you receiving even more gifts when you embody it. He is truly al ghani rich & free from all needs.
Remain steadfast in your hope and faith. Especially when at cross roads that come up against it. Choose through unconditional self love not fear, the former is a weapon wielded by your soul preserving wholeness. The latter is a soldier doing egos bidding, so you remain a hostage.
“(by) the self and what proportioned it and inspired it with depravity or piety. He who purifies it has succeeded, he who covers it up has failed.” (Quran 91:7-10)
Self mastery is the path that leads to purification from ego (false self) influence. A path that leads to fulfilment (which is the real success) because through it you self actualise and live comfortably from a soul space that accommodates your natural disposition, your flow and harmony.
Self mastery assists purification because it’s a path that directs you to get to know and confront, then integrate back with love and understanding, the instrinsic dark parts of your nature. Your nature that you subconsciously separated from and disowned so that life can be comfortable for others. The purification occurs, when you learn to get out of your own way & you can only get out of it when you see how you are in it, in the first place. I am not team no negativity, I am…why does this negativity exist? (Ego influence, blind spots etc) I care to know because I care to grow, to mature and ultimately understand myself.
For me piety in the above verse connects to what inspires me towards living through my soul space. Without being conscious of Allah when what feels like dark feelings arise, I wouldn’t receive guidance through his grace that illuminates things in ways I could receive, explore and discover. Instead I would be engulfed with emotions that seem coated with shame or guilt. The ego uses these feelings to deface your soul, it block its emergence because it spells its annihilation. It co opts the feelings to re assert itself and inadvertently with success of having done so, you yourself insist on the realities that your inner being/soul remains trapped in. A world concocted for your false self.
When these emotions of shame and guilt are covered up via resistance and not felt all the way through, through commitment to self, you don’t get to receive the guidance they carried. The messages they arised to share, and so it will come again another day, event, person, situation paving way for the lesson to be received.
You will never have a greater or lesser dominion than that over yourself…the height of a man’s success is gauged by his self-mastery; the depth of his failure by his self-abandonment. …And this law is the expression of eternal justice. ~Leonardo da Vinci
(Example) Imagine shackling your firmness because society deemed it unacceptable and showered instead praise on your empathetic nature.
What if you are both? Empathetic and firm
To establish justice for your soul you must first trust it. Self trust is what fuels you to push through despite any turmoil you experience or resistance you face when you show up as all of YOU.
One of the greatest things I could discover is the level of equanimity that comes with the provision guarded by my soul. Ive seen leaks of it in the past sure, in fact perhaps enough to not so long ago contemplate about it.
Why is the level of my equanimity a great thing for me to discover?
Because although I knew I had it through soul leaks what I’ve discovered now is the self trust block that kept me at bay from accessing it fully. I didn’t know there were levels to this ish within me.
When something isn’t accessed fully, then you’ve only been made privy to certain levels of it.
I don’t believe we can ever establish justice for our soul, at the most it’s a journey of self love we embark on with the intention to. At the least its an intention that stagnates and doesn’t come into fruition because we didnt do the work required to self actualise.
Committing to mastering the self is therefore put simply committing to establishing justice for your soul.
Its about committing to not just over coming a fear by going through it or simply transmuting things you feel/experience. But rather getting to know that part of you that met that fear and that part of you that felt what’s in your highest good so chose to transcend the past and transmute the fears into love. It’s about merging these parts that are your inner child and the adult you.
Trying to over come or rushing to transmute is to take a short cut based on established collective understanding of what’s good for you. Or simply just what’s good.
It separates you from self trust because your personal way understood by your soul, is contradicted by a well trodden path that’s vouched for. By societal frameworks concocted through values and principles you didn’t even get to have any input on.
Aligning with self trust would therefore often pit you against what’s conventional. Although that has never been an issue for me (I always felt pride in being unconventional in my own way especially when reflected back to me by my mirror soul) what’s important to know is, total alignment with self trust requires immense patience and courage.
Patience to accept what is, to trust yourself to stand in your truth even if it threatens your false self created by ego and how it’s percieved by the world that welcomes it. Courage to pause when you witness the threat trying to hijack the space where you intended to show up with your truth. Courage that uses the pause to reflect and proceeds to face the fear head on.
If you confront what agonises or attempts to intimidate then you are courageous.
Patience and courage thus are key players in maintaining self trust which maintaining your sense of self. Without them you wouldn’t trust yourself to walk with hope or faith cultivated in you by Allah. In order to provide his help and mercy for you on this path. Faith in trusting things unfold according to divine will is paramount. Through divine will you are never erased but on the contrary considered and protected.
One of the biggest reasons people struggle with self trust, is due to second guessing themselves in case they get or do something or someone wrong.
This is a struggle because often people who care for the above were denied the experience of normalcy in making a mistake.
Self mastery is the result of an evolution, that takes one from navigating through the clutches of ego to reaching a place of living directed by ones soul.
A place that requires a shift in the care that results through lack of self trust. To care that is now aligned with self trust.
This is a major pillar of ones soul structure, the shift of care now aligned with self trust means you navigate through unconditional self love.
You unconditionally maintain love for yourself even if a decision you made turned out to be wrong or worse ended up doing another wrong.
I think it was my separation from that, that had me attract into my life people that would reflect this very issue back to me.
Some of the greatest lessons we learn, bear the greatest rewards not just because the pain behind it might have been great. But because of the blessing sealed in the reward.
The gift of self trust is worth turmoil. There is also something poetic about getting it back through the same thing that “took” it.
Self mastery is the key that opens a gate Allah provided as grace. For all those committed to knowing their true essence come what may. It is a gate that upon opening not only leads to your natural disposition, but it ensures you know what you have accessed contains your full potential.
Self mastery is therefore not only necessary, but thee path itself, if self actualisation is the goal. Only through the path of self mastery can you find, recognise and be able to use your potential in ways that fulfil you and others. That is what it means to have self actualised.
You live and manifest in peace through self mastery. The world begins to reflect back to you what assists your wholeness not what confirms the egos narrative. Because you no longer tread paths that deter you from love of self but rather walk paths that align with self love. So even if in some situations the world reflects back to you some form of ignorance.
It’s Qalaa salama!
This world isn’t free from ignorance after all, that’s only in paradise. So Allah will always check one set of people by means of another. It’s how he maintains vibrational balance in this world.
Mastering yourself doesn’t mean you manage to get to categorically avoid BS. It just means you do not become entangled with or engulfed by its effect.
Through thorough familiarity with your mental and emotional strengths. You acquire discipline that conquers your nafs.
“Self-mastery is the challenge of transforming yourself from own worst enemy into your greatest ally.” ~ Wes Fesler
When you are your greatest ally you make decisions stamped through self trust that support what’s in your highest good. You journey towards fulfilment by acknowledging your truths.
When the energies in a present moment are really intense, in connecting the dots as you look back you will understand why.
Intense energies are paving way for immense blessings. Trust your soul that trusts the process, not the ego that feels victimised by it.
“ Then after the distress, He sent down security for you. Slumber overtook a party of you, while another party was thinking about themselves (as how to save their ownselves, ignoring the others and the Prophet Scw) and thought wrongly of Allâh – the thought of ignorance. They said, “Have we any part in the affair?” Say you (O Muhammad Scw): “Indeed the affair belongs wholly to Allâh.” They hide within themselves what they dare not reveal to you, saying: “If we had anything to do with the affair, none of us would have been killed here.” Say: “Even if you had remained in your homes, those for whom death was decreed would certainly have gone forth to the place of their death,” but that Allah might test what is in your breasts; and to purge that which was in your hearts and Allah is AllKnower of what is in (your) breasts”. (Quran chapter Aali Imran 3:154)
When we enter the storm of a situation, we delete the space Allah’s help is meant to reach us from. Getting entangled with a storm is effectively catering to its narrative and needs as opposed to catering for your own. Yours get lost in translation because you’ve abandoned your ship.
And you’ve abandoned ship because you see the storm as the ship that you need to control. It gets the majority of your action based attention. This is neglect and Consequently in maintaining this imbalance (this neglect) your wellbeing becomes affected and so your life stream ends up with a malfunctional version of your wellbeing present in it.
It’s a slippery slope…
Since all good luck really is, is your wellbeing being present in your life stream without it being made defective due to any imbalance.
Seeing the storm as the ship you need to control (that needs your attention) is a course of action the psyche supports, because it presents a fear based type of logic back peddled and ushered in by the egos intent to surive.
All you see is what’s required of you, the obstacles in its way and what it all means to you, about you and for you. Entering the storm therefore is metaphorical for thinking of ways to meet the requirements presented by a situation that supports your ego and not your soul. It’s a course of action that rests on the thought system, of if you meet the requirements deemed right (by ego) the obstacles connected to matter dissolve, that then results in a path being paved for you to obtain your inner peace (insert: what grants you Satisfaction).
(nice plan in writing but in execution & in principle it’s not)
See the maxim here is that stability comes after the distress. Man kind however instinctively act based on the wrong formula that tells them, for the distress to be gone first one must establish stability.
This mentality is how one invalidates their feelings by suppressing it, it is how they enter the storm. They enter because they have fallen into the clutches of their ego “establish safety”
is speaking the egos language.
How is this different to the stated truth above that stability/safety comes after distress?
Because through that door you made space for Allah. You didn’t let the distress suck you into the storm. You stayed on your ship witnessing the storm. Sakinah/ calmness/ stability and peace was given to you as a result during process. Because you approached your affair through your reality not another’s (and definitely not one that isn’t even in existence)
You didn’t chop off or compartmentalise your reality because parts of it seemed irrelevant to the storm. In doing that you relinquish your power to the storm. (Storm is the issue in hand what ever it may be)
What you deemed irrelevant were your needs.
“Then after the distress, He sent down security for you….”
When you remain the captain of your ship you ain’t sinking. Because you made space for Allah.
“Slumber overtook a party of you…”
This is the party that held space to receive Allah’s help in matter. They let the distress flow and didn’t lose sight of their predicament as affecting them first & foremost. They acknowledge their truth as it is. And so stability is made theirs because they chose to remain present during the distress. Through Feelings we receive guidance.
“while another party was thinking about themselves (as how to save their ownselves, ignoring the others and the Prophet Scw)”
This is the party that enters the storm, thinking about themselves here means honing in on the problem via ego narrative.
how it or what happened, what liability on their side they presume. If only this and that, followed by now I need to do this and that, but I don’t have that or this, wait I can finnese it, but how?…ok that too has a problem so now… (Enter anxiety, blame, trapped in memories about moment before shortcoming on your side was made, or if you had no short coming, then enter mental focus on moment before problem became your reality. Fleeting moments because you are now in the midst of a situation. Even then one doesn’t stop, they add momentum of regret into the equation. This is all a problem blocking your life stream and therefore your stability because your well being is under serious strain due to neglect)
“and thought wrongly of Allâh, the thought of ignorance.”
Not holding space for him is ignorant. Because it implies he is absent. You may not believe that he is, but the point is you act like it. This happens unconsciously for most. It’s how they enter storm and abandon their ship.
“They said, “Have we any part in the affair?”
Entanglement with the storm happens because person took responsibility for the narrative presented by the problem/storm.
“Say you (O Muhammad Scw): “Indeed the affair belongs wholly to Allâh.”
“They hide within themselves what they dare not reveal to you…”
This is also the psychological affect behind the people who enter the storm. They have internalised the problem and what they hide within themselves, is the inner shame they feel towards the focused upon short comings, that they presume led to problem.
“Saying If we had anything to do with the affair, none of us would have been killed here…”
Stuck in the mental state of should’ve could’ve, the people entering the storm frequently think, that their distress is a result of their shortcoming. So they see not the reality now (that matter happened the way it did, in order to facilitate growth) but rather how they got there. It’s counter productive.
“Say: “Even if you had remained in your homes, those for whom death was decreed would certainly have gone forth to the place of their death…,”
Even if they fulfilled the should’ve could haves, they would have arrived in the same place. Because Allah would have still orchestrated the test ( to reach goal behind his wisdom for it in the first place, he will orchestrate the means as he sees fit)
“that Allah might test what is in your breasts;”
These tests are what align us with the potential he created us with. So in testing what’s in our hearts, he purifies us from the clutches of the Ego limitations blocking our life stream. Life doesn’t happen to you. It happens for you.
“and to purge that which was in your hearts…”
To purge is to get rid, the tests therefore happen to rid from your hearts what isn’t of it or from it. Anything caused to it by environment, or affects of core wounds and it’s core beliefs. Your ego is programmed with isnt from It.
This part of verse…made me feel raw emotions….I felt care from it…. deep awe evoking care, I have a heart worth the attention of divine cleansing? and attention? To restore it whilst unaware something was even contaminated with it in the first place?
If that isn’t kindness, profound understanding and protection towards me, I don’t know what is.
“and Allah is AllKnower of what is in (your) breasts”. (Aali Imran 3:154)
Because what we are unconscious of, he is not. He saw how our ego unconsciously formed. He was there, no one understands you more than him. Because no other person had front row seats. He is the best to validate you and vindicate you to yourself. This verse in Surah Imran evoked emotions of gratitude within me, that I pray are put on my scales.
Never abandon your ship. Because your story and needs, that you mentally checked out from, Allah never did. What that simply means is he was going to assist it, Will still assist it. Is sufficient to not just assist, but create to facilitate your needs perfectly and often in ways you didn’t expect or anticipate.
Allah doesn’t move from us we move from him. When we stay on our ships he assists in ways, all of what we were anxious of don’t even come into fruition. It doesnt get a part to play in the meticulously destined reality he has planned.
In entering the storm you run from yourself. Thus true abandonment is being left to your intellect. It’s the provision you took, and the loss here is the provision of Allah’s aid that you left behind.
Your ship, is your souls home, the place Allah enters…