The end in sight is left open ended just like it was in the beginning. The road ahead that felt so bumpy feels uneven as if it’s telling me to mind my step. The sensations in my body point to feelings of wanting to vomit. I hardly ate, reason reminds, there is nothing to vomit out chill inside…
My soul is lost in imagination with what it has collected and contained of new values and truths. It’s itching to go..im becoming aware that it can see something clearly…. as If it’s already energetically there…
The present moment feels powerful because of the substance my soul is there fiddling with. Ego noise is in the distant background concerned about an outcome and its current discomforts. It isn’t loud enough to distract, hijack, or even contaminate what’s going on.
I feel stuck in a 3D circumstance, but yet I’m free somewhere else I’ve never truly been in before? What’s going on with my soul. Why is it rearing and so itchy to go. like an Olympic racer about to sprint somewhere. Positioned past ready, frozen in set…and waiting for go. I’m marvelled by it all…when the rope tightens its about to snap. The opposite of faith isn’t doubt it’s certainty. The opposite of hope isn’t fear it’s security.
Oh Allah I surrender the outcome of my circumstance to you. I surrender the desire of my state in it too.
When the soul is the only expert on the ship, and its positioned itself for something that feels so so real…. summon courage to hold space for what inspired it. Even if you don’t fully understand it yet. There is nothing and then there is something, but above all there is the divine and his connect to your soul.
If fumbling feels like inefficiency, it’s ok because you can’t walk adequately in the dark anyway. If walking straight is what you associate strength and competency with, then through reason only hold yourself to that expectation when you’ve stepped into your light. To do it you need it.
To fumble in the dark is to know you are not home but have a desire to get there. When you can’t see, you are likely to fumble as you walk. If you’re walking because you know in your heart, Allah put you on that path because it leads home. Then Fumbling about isnt in vain it throws off what’s not from you. The fumble in the dark is what leads to connection with your soul. Its how you pass through the dark into your light. Feel the clumsiness in not knowing where you are or what you are doing. Feel the doubts that say you are on the wrong path. Feel the fear of ending up somewhere that may break your heart.
Feel and don’t abandon any part of you in the dark. When you fumble you are likely to make discoveries. Likely to fall upon things you didn’t reach aim for but are grateful for.
Feeling in the dark is experiencing the vulnerability that connects you with Allah. You fumble but find you are touched by the things you need. The things he knows you need.
Fumbling in the dark is Allah polishing you. Its letting that help reach you because you aren’t resisting pain.
Allah doesn’t abandon us he merely asks we don’t abandon ourselves in the dark.
What attempted to corrupt my heart is what my soul pushed back against, with most of my strength. For the most part of my life I disliked its aversion to what I saw as protection. The result of that was to turn on my heart for blocking out corruption that I haphazardly saw as protection. Turned on it through blame, to me it didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why it had a will that held me back.
When your ego thoughts push you to level out pain and your heart blocks it from manifestation. It’s alive not corrupt, it’s refusing to be changed by outside influence. Even your own blame.
Your heart can’t be defined or directed by other than Allah. Trust what you feel through it even if you don’t yet understand. Trust what resonates with it even If it infuriates by blocking your path. Trust your truth, your inner knowing.
Trust the truths your heart absorbs, don’t resist, don’t force, just flow. Most importantly, approach these matters where you blame your heart for going against your ego whims ( because I realise now that’s exactly what it was doing) as a self reproaching soul. You can’t have a conscience and lie to yourself. Soul integrity is what leads to inner peace.