First Encounter with my Inner child

It was sometime in September 2018  I was visiting my brother and his wife. It was mid afternoon, feeling really depleted I needed to have a power nap. 

Unfortuntely I wasted the time I could have slept so idly. It’s like I just couldn’t settle myself to do it. 

During one of my idle moments, I popped into the balcony where my brother was resting. We began a conversation about life, this and that. My being tired came up and when he told me to go rest I replied…

“I tried bro but I can’t, I’ll just wait for night fall”

He asked why? and I replied “I don’t know but several attempts failed. I think this is just one of those houses, that I can’t sleep during day in”

I felt this strange feeling that matched the facial expression on my brothers face come up. I shrugged conversation off, but the feeling stayed with me.

(His expression and my feeling reminds me of this emoji 🤔)

My intuition piped up to join in on the reactions. It made an observation and left me some homework. It said ‘that sounds good, but what does it mean exactly?’

Upon quickly reflecting I found that I was in agreement. What I said did sound good because it wrapped things up somewhat logically. Yet I had no real idea about what it meant.

Fast forward another few hours later. My brother had left and my sister in law wanted to hit the town centre. She took with her my 6 year old and her youngest. My eldest son and nephew were left in the house with me.

We both thought I’d get some rest while she was out. But the same thing happened again, I couldn’t find an appropriate moment to take the nap. Even though the kids were settled in near by, watching a movie or playing their game console quietly. I still couldn’t fall asleep.

The time rolled by and whilst in the bathroom my sister in law returned home. She was in the kitchen putting shopping away and I could see her at the end of the hall way as I exited bathroom. 

I felt this polite somewhat compulsive urge to go over to acknowledge she returned home? But got contradicted by an inspiration telling me to turn left into her bedroom and sleep!

I stood there baffled for about 2 seconds and suddenly I lost decisive control. Something just took over, acknowledging the reality that I had nothing to say but I did have something to do!

I found myself in the bedroom, got onto bed and lied down. Settled in I began flicking through my phone looking for something to read and fall asleep with. 

I then heard and saw the shadow of foot steps approaching bedroom door to come in and reacted bizarrely flipping my phone upside down on pillow. All so that it’s screen light disappears, and in doing so I get to give off the illusion that I’m asleep (to whoever it was coming ~my sister in law or the kids~)

I was taken aback by my sudden reaction it felt like it was accompanied by a panic like energy. It felt so surreal that my actions to follow just mirrored the bizarreness of it all.  I responded to whatever just happened with a curious compassion.

I asked myself inwardly & wonderingly

What was that? Why did you do that”

Something coming from deep within me replied in an honest, raw, soft yet frustrated type of way…

I was afraid!”

I felt empathy and asked concerned “Why are you afraid?”

and whatever was speaking back to me replied “They will think I’m available”

I sat there numb and shocked as my mind flinched out a memory of me as a child.

I grew up in a household where I was the only girl and had a lot of brothers. My mum unintentionally had the dysfunctional programming of boys will be boys and girls responsible.

This meant not only were my needs irrelevant, but the concept of me just being was alien. The child me therefore understood that, if mum saw me just lying down resting like I was when trying to fall asleep in real time, reading off of my phone. She would have seen it as I’m not tired, that I am awake and if there was something she needed doing, finding or in general help with its perfectly ok to ask and expect it.  

I would have complied even if I felt burdened because subconsciously I was disconnected from my needs. This lack of self agency paved way for my shadow to leak through, by the time I turned 15.  It led to not a single care given to household, type of rebellion. I became like my brothers. Shortly afterwards I left home and moved in with my dad using college as an excuse, so I didn’t hurt my mums feelings. 

Living with him freed up so much space in my head and heart. I had nothing to do in his house but just be, he took pride in his home. In his free time he would sit and write or draw. I was very drawn to his energy and his nurturing was effortless I found myself often just liking to sit near him in living room doing my homework or talking. When I returned home from college I’d be making plans to make us a meal. Only to find he made his one special dolmio and pasta dish lol being a carnivore id say brb dad and would go grab some fried chicken to eat it with. 

(My dad was the first person I ever saw acknowledge my needs and express them in situations where they were ignored. When I think of being “seen” I remember him) 

(I know I’m digressing, my heart runs away with me when I talk about him. But back to original story of post )

My inner child saw the footsteps approaching and presumed my being on the phone will give the illusion that I’m available for conversation.

I completely understood her and found myself saying. ‘You don’t have to be afraid anymore, I got you. Read what you want and if anyone does come in and presumes you’re available to talk or what have you. I’ll let them know the truth that you’re not.’

I was so firm in what I said and had 100% conviction about it. I was filled with so much love and understanding for this part of me and in a conscious way.

I didn’t even realise till afterwards when I felt the knot in my heart dissipate, along with the hyper vigilance. That the reason why I was failing  to have a nap. Was because my inner child was finessing/looking for a moment to do it, where it felt safety established for itself. It was scanning for ways that contradicted her worries before proceeding to do it.

This is why when I came out the bathroom, my ego (acting to safeguard my inner child from its concerns of interruption )  tried to lead me to the kitchen to make myself seen. To then have a nonsensical conversation. All with the intention of making sure that I’m not looked for when I slip off to sleep. 

I think what took over and made me turn left straight into bedroom was my soul. I remember it so clearly, it literally interrupted the egos plan with a firm energy that can only be best described as “fk this”

When my inner child ‘left the building’ of my consciousness I lied down and began reading. I heard the footsteps again in the hallway. Only this time there was no hyper vigilance because of it. 

I had no reaction to it at all. There was just a tranquil feeling and before I knew it I fell into a deep slumber.

2 hours later I briefly woke up only to fall back asleep again without a struggle. I woke up because my sister in law was nearby a cupboard next to me. 

When I looked up, she  whispered ‘sorry babe just came in looking for something’ She commented about me sleeping with my robe on and wondered if I was too warm. I said I was ok and felt cosier that way. She then bent over to kiss me on the forehead and pulled blanket over me.

I never told her but as she left room a tear fell from my eyes. As I fell back asleep realising it was my inner child who received her love and kiss.

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Or it will forever live abandoned within you, looking for other ways to get it

I later learnt that this encounter also meant my healing growth that proceeded it, is what allowed my inner child to trust me enough to show up.

I will never forget the words “I’m afraid’ followed by ‘They will think I’m available’

No wonder the adult me was always looking for relief. I loved giving others what I wanted deeply for myself too.

The relief I wanted was received by me from the part of me that needed it most. (My inner child) 

Our unmet needs can only ever be satisfied and met best, when it comes from within our own selves. 

What you seek is seeking you. 

Recognising the Inner child

Your insecurities reflect what your inner child believes. It’s your inner child that makes you doubt your worth or value because of what he/she believes. 

Sometimes instead of looking within, people look outwardly and project the emotional intensity floating up from their unconscious. That wants to reveal a particular point related to information like this.

If we think the emotional intensity we feel is about the story that caused it to bubble up. We will continue to miss the points that would have led to our illumination about a matter. 

Conversely if we don’t project the emotional intensity, but instead we become emotionally available to ourselves enough to feel it and accept how we feel afterward. We heal and ultimately grow into cultivating  unconditional self acceptance, that establishes good self esteem.

All that we don’t accept are filed away as insecurities. That means self esteem is left injured. Wholesome living can not be attained with out recognising & attending to the one who did the filing… 

Your inner child..

That needs your efforts & attention to turn towards their reality. So that they can be seen heard, nourished and loved.  Rather than subjecting it to disregard and thus further abandonment. Because the ego employs patterns of resistance to keep us away from the  places and spaces our inner child is left to bleed alone or worse hustle for its needs on its own.

 

Springing Back

My resilience was birthed from the burdens I shouldered, that I now know I shouldnt have had to…..my desire for relief, because of the burdens.

Im looking at my ability for seeing the bigger picture easier than most, differently. Making peace that skipping myself, provided a head start to do it.

I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a tradegy. I feel, I think it’s more the blessing in the midst of the tradegy. 

I wondered one day,  how I could keep the blessing and end the tradegy…

My heart said through emotional attunement that doesn’t underestimate your value and overestimate others intentions and integrity….

When the hearts involved there should be no negotiation or dictation over how one deals. Let others cradle their unsettled truths and grief how they need to. 

Forgiveness is a process that triggers those afraid of accountability.  I’m not killing my self softly, hoping you won’t be. 

 

Longing for own comfort

Don’t let longing distort your reality. It’s easy to confuse your feelings for what you are thinking… 

For example sometimes while you think you are longing for a person, a thing or a particular experience. You run the risk of missing a message carried by your feelings, that encapsulates your true reality in a moment. A reality that says what you’re longing for is actually your own comfort.

This reality matters because it’s something you can gift to yourself. It is in the spectrum of your control. 

When we don’t separate out the story from the object of our longing. The reality that what we need, being comfort gets distorted.

The need wounds up being associated with the external matter in focus. This association is what leads to our exit of the space, where the emotional intensity that requires our availability to self exists. Instead of being available we become unavailable and thus we end up trying to neutralise the intensity we feel. With initiated action that we hope would  quell the problem or issue correlated with how we feel.

So if the story is about you longing for a certain experience. You initiate actions that align with the meeting or bringing about of it. Like leaving your city even if doing so feels like the path of most resistance. 

If it’s longing for a person, than you iniate actions like reaching out to individual. Even  if you know in moment they aren’t good for you. 

This is self abandonment because you are doing everything except being emotionally available to your self. The reality of comfort being needed, gets distorted because the emotional intensity is projected outward and thus any stability regarding it is hoped for outwardly also.

When we are emotionally attuned we enter a safe space of acknowledgement that leads to the giving of the comfort that’s needed. The comfort that enters into the space where the emotional intensity is usually left unattended; can only be accessed through the adoption of self empathy. As it grounds us into staying with our feelings and ultimately feeling them. 

Our own emotional availability has the power to heal the emotional intensity carried by our  inner child. That shows up fuelling the illusion behind the projections. The inner child is seeking what we fail to give it by other means.

When grounded in our self empathy we begin to find the courage to feel our vulnerability. As doing so pulls back the projection from the external matters we think we are longing for. It is realised that the projection is the abandonment. So when the projection is retreated & exchanged for emotional attunement to self, it leads to the comfort received by our inner child that’s in need of it most.

This is the result of the unravelling of the distortions that disperses the unconscious confusion holding it in place and reveals in its stead the truth. Truth that ineveitably leads to the creation of well needed boundaries for the mind. The kind of boundaries that block out looping intrusive disempowering thoughts. That usually tell us we’re unsafe thus feelings of being insecure, about where we are in a moment ensue. This is where the inner child needs our adult self and when abandoned over and over again, it seeks safety through the ego patterns that are set up to intend to protect it.

We aren’t unsafe because we don’t feel safe. If we don’t feel safe, it’s a sign there is room for healing and that’s ok. 

What’s important is to learn how to heal the intensity of longing that is the result of a childhood attachment injury, where you did not feel seen, heard or understood in your family system.” Alan Robarge 

I feel that although people heal in different ways. In order for healing to take place most efficiently. It should be considered that feeling safe is about being able to truly embody what’s coming.

When I believe Allah is conspiring in my favour. I feel safe because I’m able to realise my soul that has the ability and substance to embody what’s coming. As opposed to ego that wants to take control of the chaos it percieves about what’s coming, because safety is in the ‘accomplishment’ of that. Of one being in control of ominous realities, imagined or not.

Realisation of the soul is the true meaning of being in our divinity. When we are in our divinity we feel safe, because we are anchored to a power greater than us. That understands why we are where we are & why we do the things we do. 

We come to understand that the opposite of chaos is not control it’s fundamentally, trust. In this case self trust that our emotional availability for our own selves is enough to lead us to the whole truth about what’s amiss within.