Reflection: winter 2017

In my life I’ve met all kinds of people both negative and positive. I’ve learnt from them, my uniqueness and how there is a place for it in this world. In so long as I show up as myself.

From the reckless I’ve come to admire my shrewdness. From the disorderly I’ve come to appreciate my structured ways. From the heartless my heart and from the suspicious? my mind that sees perspective like a buffet. My soul that values truth over narratives that please the ego.

But the best of what I’ve learnt was from the positive people I’ve met, heard or read about. Peoole I’ve learnt from in unconventional ways. I saw glimpses of my unknown self in the good qualities they possessed.

To see them hold space for themselves I’ve learnt to do the same. To see them embrace being misconstrued and blamed with a dignified poise of no response, I learnt to not deface my soul or empower another with my words.

To see them embrace vulnerability as a strength I’ve learnt to invite back my own. From them I learnt love, and to save a lot for myself.

I enter the winter of 2017 grounded in myself, not fearing it’s cold nights like I did in previous years.

The winter came wheezing and freezing but it met a version of me that wasn’t shaking or fleeting. I feel quarantined by a warm and steadfast soul.

The greatest change to infiltrate my world is change that arrived as a gift from the grace of my lord.

To know that someone saw me beyond the pedestal I was put on, a pedestal that burdened me most of my adolescent and adult life. To know that someone saw through the smiles I dished out and the problems I solved. Through the hardships I endured and mundane cycles of self neglect I rinsed and repeated with no resolve.

To know that someone was all along ‘seeing’ and cared enough to destine change that serves me…. Is to know that I was loved deeply.

To be able to look back and connect the dots, to find a pattern of this love creating and placing things in place to assist teach and bless me…

To bring me to where I am, to be able to stand in awe and finally understand. Is to look back and witness, no to look back and KNOW where to place my trust always. I put my trust in he who created me and thereafter took care of me.

As strong as I’m precieved, to him my vulnerable self always greeted.

The vulnerability I hid from the world he saw in all its cracks and confusion in the dead of night away from the judgment I was accustomed to in regards to how vulnerability was perceived.

I am glad In spite of all of the poisonous beliefs I adopted unconsciously that daring to believe he hears and gets me wasn’t contaminated. That belief was the safeguarding of my heart and sanity. The tunnel of life the cord between me and my lord. It’s a tunnel when entered your projections on him are rejected & left outside.

Without the space that tunnel led I don’t know how I would have survived the past 7 years.

To expect the best of Allah is to expect that He will have Mercy on you and relieve you of hardship.

The how never matters what matters is cultivating the wisdom to know where to direct your expectations.

Is it not wise to direct expectations towards he who not only is most capable but most gracious and unwilling to see you disappointed?

“Verily your Lord is Generous and Shy. If His servant raises his hands to Him (in supplication) He becomes shy to return them empty” (Ahmad, Abu Dawood, Tirmidhi)

It is also wise to know that the empty hand you sometimes see is a mirage for it’s not from his sunnah/ways to leave you empty.

The relation between what we know and what we see is only ever settled through him.
Ibrahim alayhis Salam understood that when asked to slaughter the apple of his eye, his son.

I came to understand that through many chapters of my life.

I find peace in the statement leave the outcome to Allah.

To surrender where he is concerned is an insurance against anxiety, fear and concern.

Heed the Need

Our needs are not akin to cobwebs that must be dusted away. They are tools that ensure our wellbeing is maintained.

To assume others should just know what our needs are, is to set ourselves up for a life time of disappointment. People are different we come from all walks of life. Just like our finger prints are unique to us so are our individual experiences. We share different core wounds, core beliefs therefore have different core patterns. All of these influence the way in which we navigate through this world.

The presumption that your needs should be understood via common sense is to betray understanding of the above. What’s common to you isn’t to another.

The most liberating choice one can make is to voice their needs. The vulnerability that comes with that carries with it courage that leads to obtaining clarity.

To cop out is a disservice to your soul and what’s conducive to your highest good manifesting. Avoidance of stating your needs, because of the discomfort it being rejected can bring, isn’t maintaining strength it is ironically the true essence of weakness. You are acting through disempowerment, when making said choice because you hide from clarification.

In asking yourself the question what am I afraid of finding out? You will come to know much about yourself.

Wouldn’t it be great to know who cares about you enough to take your needs into consideration and who considers it a burden?

Wouldn’t it be great to know who you can be around in your wholeness and who requires parts of you to not be present?

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage for the precise reason that in feeling it, because you’ve expressed your need you will come to know.

To minimise your needs is to minimise yourself and quite frankly put to allow yourself to express them is the epitome of self love.

Moving into Myself

I use to believe justice is a pre requisite for peace. I now believe peace is what paves the way for justice.

I use to believe at the end of feelings was nothing. I now believe at the end of feelings is wholeness.

I prefer a growth mindset to a fixed one.
I prefer the me in the now, to the me from the past. Whilst simultaneously accepting both.

The old is not irrelevant when you come to possess the new. The old served a purpose. We are here to evolve not stagnate. Appreciate ourselves not berate.

True self love to me is best cultivated in garnering understanding for all the different versions of yourself. Different versions that once held lead roles in the past chapters of your life. As new chapters unfold we carry on. I put respect on all that I was. For the lens of right and wrong I once wore, are now gone.

Life is a caravan that moves, if we were meant to stay put we wouldn’t have feet we would have roots.


Moving into myself…

When the Pieces form One

The only times I’ve ever had a peaceful exit from everything was when I wrote things uncensored. To achieve that my mind would first enter the valleys I’ve buried pieces of my self. I remember being aged 10 and re writing pages of a book just for “fun” I recall preferring that sometimes to playing what’s the time mr wolf.

These buried pieces of myself all had one thing in common, my vulnerability, they symbolise to me today how in the name of protection and self preservation I played myself.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” ~Brené Brown

When I look at this picture below,I see what me on the inside looked like. I’m grateful Allah kept what I didn’t realise I tossed

“Perhaps you dislike a thing that’s good for you, Allah knows and you know not” may we never lean on our own understanding in the form of our fragmented selves.



Life is an adventure filled with joy, blessings, discovery, plot twists. Some trials and some drudgery. What it isn’t is the end. It can be summarised as it goes on and it can be best lived in the moment.

If anything is constant in life it’s change, resistance is not your friend. What’s your friend is surrender. What best serves you is resilience. What you can best have, is a will that makes you want to align with all that’s good about life, rather than the pessimism that makes you wander without recourse. The former is a remarkable trait in an individual. It has a system operating within that runs on the mantra fall down 7 but get up 8.

Smile because you deserve to, re align your focus with what serves you. You have a choice. And Allah stands in that space compulsion makes you unconsciously flee from. It’s a space called surrender.

In it there are fruits called serenity, understanding, love, comfort, order, relief, sound perspective and most of all acceptance.

You ever wonder why in spite of all your religious short comings he receives you with mercy, blesses you and has your back? It’s because he knows your story, and to Allah there is a difference between your soul that made the pledge to him before you were born and the you environment cultivated.

He is closer than your jugular vein, has access to the root of your pain. Don’t stand bewildered when upon you his mercy rains. Be grateful and decipher what he has always been trying to show you.

Allah stands behind the door of releasing the false illusion of control. The door of surrender open to all. Your deeds don’t matter your vulnerability does.


One of the biggest lessons we can learn about life is the difference between compromise and cooperation. How the former makes you give away a part of yourself. whilst the latter allows you to explore from a balanced space so much so a mutual outcome becomes favourable by default.

Just like there is a difference between wanting reassurance and validation. There is a difference between compromising and cooperation. When someone reassures you they affirm something already within you. This instils confidence and permeates love. However when you put someone in a position to validate you, they are given power to render you valid or not. This promotes another’s authority whilst demoting yours. Pretty messed up thing to do when the subject is you.

I don’t believe anyone should compromise because it hinders us from collecting the fragmented parts of ourselves. That requires so we may move into wholeness.

Cooperation promotes understanding, maturity and maintains individuality through self respect.

The thin line between these meanings are like land mines. To step over it is to contribute to the eraser of yourself & to stand clear from it, is quite simply put self love.

Life for me is about building perspective not accumulating regrets. It’s about seeking understanding to nourish clarity. It’s about prefering discovery to conformity.

Most of all it’s about holding onto your truths regardless of outcomes.

Amana not an investment

With no generalisation intended I’ve noticed a phenomena amongst our communities (Muslims not Islam) that disturbs me deeply.

Where does the entitled mentality that our children are investments come from? Where did this mentality that results in pressure and demoralising put downs, when said child doesn’t meet the expectations come from? (Even the qadr based reasons via trials and tribulations affecting said child,when grown are over looked for this mentality to remain having a voice?) where did this come from?

I’ve noticed myriad of parents with this mind frame. The whole walidka ka duceysta seems to fuel this ferociously. The only investment Islam says your child is for you is a Sadaqa jaariya (continuous charity) upon your death.

I don’t support caasi’s who abandon and/or do no good towards their parents. But I’m writing in regards to the opposite extreme on the spectrum. A topic I wish ppl were more vocal about, instead of being shackled by some respectability politic.

Islam said our children are an amana/trust towards us (the parents) how did this get forgotten so much they’ve been reduced to investments we can emotionally abuse and put down if we feel they didn’t a) return enough “interest” in adulthood. B) not moving fast enough towards fulfilment of like expectations?

A lot of youth are stagnating in life and suffering silently, most unable to articulate or make sense of the internal conflict they feel. Due to the duality that exists within them, a duality that gives birth to a serious cognitive dissonance that on one hand internalises blame (because they have yet to “amount” to something such parents can deem a good return profit or pride wise) and on the other secretly and resentfully harbours thoughts such as I didn’t ask to be born.

Islam is a balance it emphasised the rights of parents and the child. Why is the latter forgotten?

Meaning of amana/trust should weigh heavy on our hearts. Our children are not our property. They are human beings who rely on us to raise them well and take care of their emotional development. To support advice and teach them. This mentality is a serious detriment to that and I guarantee you most people you meet with parent issues are victims of this stamped with silent approval mental and emotional abuse that goes unchallenged due to cultural restraints of cayb and threats of habaar.

I just wanna say some of us see and understand you. And what travels to and fro your chest that wavers refusing to settle, is a wrong even if people defend it. Let the duality collapse. Hats off to the parents who understand the amana given to them, who UNDERSTAND that Islam passes the buck right back to them. The sadaqa jaariya investment awaiting you isn’t guaranteed If you failed to bring your kid up right to begin with. And still I say pray for such parents they themselves are probably victims of a messed up structure that reared them. Ancestral baggage is real.

Triggers part 2


“Look for the why behind your feelings of hurt and pain because they signal where we should make some changes.” ~Nanette Mathews

Most people react to what triggers them, getting lost in the story. (Person, object, or circumstance where the trigger arises)

I’m convinced the story never matters, there is an unconscious thing at play here, that your soul is trying to make you remember. The trigger is the bullet it uses to help you become aware.

What’s an emotional trigger? To summarise a surprise you get when something causes a negative like reaction to something you haven’t processed yet. Ever had a a feeling that leaves you destabilised whilst perhaps others around you are unaffected?

That’s ok they don’t share your history. Never compare your feelings about a matter to another persons. The dismissive logic of “it’s just me” shouldn’t be used to ignore your predicament.

Be brave enough to instead want to observe the negative feeling that comes up in you, ask why does this affect me? Why do I feel aggy about this?
Most triggers were formed during childhood or adolescence due to unprocessed impressions. The original matter that created the triggers you receive in adulthood are buried in the subconscious.

So when you get triggered it’s your souls attempt to make matter conscious. To challenge the reactive programming you’ve become accustomed to. It’s an opportunity for a paradigm shift.

Clear the triggers, it’s almost as easy as acknowledging the feeling and then tracing back the earliest memory where you felt it. Just by becoming aware of it the trigger associated with that emotion weakens drastically and even better dissolves because you get to transmute its energy.

What not to do is repeat the same old avoidance techniques. Everything is about perspective triggers can either be your “friend” that’s guiding you. Or a ghost from the past that’s chasing you. One things for sure, Allah will keep creating the circumstances that allow the triggers to come up. His primary interest is to make you whole again. Your soul will oppose the part of you opposed to this. Because it’s not in its best interest.

Follow your triggers…they lead somewhere liberation rests.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall…

The biggest mistake you can make is to project your own running onto someone else…

“You can run away from yourself so often, and so much, just because the broken pieces of you cut your feet too deeply if you stay around for too long. But then what if someone were to come along and pick up those pieces for you?…” ~ C. JoyBell C.

What if they did but not in a way you recognised. What If instead, they mirrored the broken pieces back to you?

You may resent them for that, and appreciate only when you surrender

We can only connect the dots looking back. And in stillness now I still remember, the joy before the trigger…

Triggers my once detested friends…

I’ll follow the trails of my triggers to discover my stolen peace. Triggers I prefer to keep to myself lest they be used in covert ways against me.

I’ve lost my armour of projection on this battlefield. Surprised i’m riddled with hope and not fear as I feel…

These triggers I’ve became conscious of tonight, came quadrupled hours after my heart chakra exploded with a beautiful fire.

If via an intuitive flash I saw myself celebrating my hearts desires. Then these triggers are maps not obstacles. They are a path I want to tread on alone.

Only Allah would fuel me with faith before sending me on my way.

“The yellow brick road laid out by your triggers, will lead you home” said my soul.

Pain heals to suffer is not my choice.