Qalaa Salama

There is peace in self trust because it stabilises. Peace in being self assured because it acts as a fortress. A fortress that keeps at bay all what’s not yours.

There is peace in these things when not the by product of arrogance or delusion.

Inner peace is the foundation of such self trust and self assurance. It’s grace from Allah who is a witness to the routes one took to arrive at its destination. Routes often denied by others because they didn’t witness it. Routes consisting of empathy, god consciousness, patience and integrity.

Self trust frees you from judging others because they judged you, or are prone to judge you.

“Qalaa Salama” Is an attribute of the believer because it’s deep rooted in Self trust.

Random

I prefer Naomi Campbell to Tyra banks. I think there is something menacing about Oprah that hides in plain sight. I like custard creams in my cornflakes. Desert before my main course, Love over wealth…
My home more than yours.
I find joy in the simple things, like walking the path to self mastery. Cringe at those who bond through gossip. I am an eagle in how I see things. I scan horizons for what serves me & in the process swerve past your business.

I exist outside the brackets, in it my essence is missed. I grew up with limited consideration given to me. It’s the down side of being presumed to be self sufficient. I find peace in travelling, even when at home, I travel within.

The most beautiful thing in people to me are their eyes before their smiles. The former reveal their souls,the latter sometimes beguiles.

I never support the egos of those I love. Some love me for it, some misunderstand me because of it. Thus in life sometimes I’m seen as the villain but in death probably elevated to heroine…

Rewind Forward ~

Only through shock that pierces and makes your heart bleed can you find yourself with ripe vulnerability .

The kind Allah awaits for you to turn to him with.

Only through the depths of your pain can you find the home you abandoned.

Only through courage and stillness can you discover the subtle cause behind all of your wounds. The common denominator, the thread that tys them all together.

It’s so subtle it’s unbelievable
The euphoria you experience, as Allah unties the redundant thread, untied because you now consciously know…is a grace, true divine grace.

In the end people don’t remember what was done nor what was said. Just simply how they were made to feel.

The severest of all your feelings, guide you to the wounded heart of your inner child.

Sometimes all that you are feeling, is simply divine will leading you home. The darker it gets the closer you are. Don’t look for a light at the end of the tunnel. The darker the path the closer you get.

The wounded heart of my inner child had embedded in it shrapnel of grief and disappointment; due to lack of consideration shown to it.

For every shrapnel she attached a belief to, I as an adult now transmute.

For every lack of consideration she has experienced, i as an adult now consider her every need, even the mundane as ordained through the lens of unconditional self love.

I transmute, because she isn’t a victim anymore.

She is a victor, saved by herself.

Wisdom of Allah, second to None…

Unconditional Self love is what protects and preserves us. It’s the weapon we use to determine what serves or doesn’t serve us. It’s the light through which we see what supports or doesn’t support us. It’s the foundation from which we create and enforce the boundaries that ensure our wellbeing remains replenished and intact. It’s what draws a definitive line for where we end and others begin.

Without self love present, showing up vulnerable can harm one through a back door.

A back door where issues creep in that ones unconditional self love would have helped navigate.

In the absence of unconditional self love you aren’t able to remain connected to matters where your vulnerability makes an appearance in a way that safeguards your vulnerability therefore wellbeing.

You aren’t connected because you are not present or grounded in your centre, and that’s important for someone like me, where this presence was maintained from a mind space not heart.

You live with observations of your feelings filtered through a skeptical mind in regards to what it all means. Through the absence of self love you aren’t able to do anything wholesome about the misalignments you feel that tug at your vulnerability.

The struggles that ensue are invalidated as a result by you. You double down on your heart and feel safe only when you lock it away and enter your mind for guidance.

And for a while guide well in its own way it did.

Vulnerability without unconditional self love is what causes one harm, not vulnerability in and of itself.

Being detached from my vulnerability in the absence of unconditional self love, was divine will protecting me.

I had this epiphany that rang true for me when I wondered how my life would have been had I had a head start in navigating through life guided by my feelings.

How would it have been if I had embodied my vulnerability sooner, and been able to make wholesome choices from a concious place.

I don’t wonder about that any more, because I know the past me did the best she could with the risq she had access to.

The very thought of allowing my vulnerability to be accessed whilst detached from unconditional self love is scary.

And it’s realisations like this that make me see, that Allah is the best of planners. Through his plan then I was protected without my knowledge, and again now anew.

In every moment we exist we have all we need. My heart was preserved then and set free now to align with Allah’s will to meet and fulfil my destiny.

Tyra can keep that L she gave Yaya de Costa.

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This picture is a screen munch from Tyra banks 2004’s Americas next stop model show.

The judge in the picture was addressing then contestant, Yaya decosta. A proud Afrocentric aspiring model who loved her culture. The judge had a problem with yayas love for African attire and natural look.

That season where Eva won was actually the last season I watched. Recalling the moment this judge, along with others mocked and tore into Yaya for loving her roots. All in the guise of its judge like ‘constructive criticism’? I was aghast and then disturbed.

What I didn’t understand was how Tyra who reacted through a shocked look at the above judges comment herself. Chose to let that go?

The others said some shit too yes, but it was this one (in pic above) that pissed me off the most. She spouted some racist crap that Tyra completely ignored. Instead she chose to assert herself to Yaya and call her defensive for saying…

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For anyone rightly exploring whether or not her tone was defensive. It wasn’t what
actually troubled me about the perception Tyra took was the fact that Yayas voice was actually broken as she spoke, there was no defensiveness.(even if she was defensive it would have been understandable under that circumstanc but she wasn’t)

The girl was scattered through emotions as she explained why she liked her clothes or natural look. And why she chose that cowboy hat (in pic) over the “African” token kufi they preferred her to use as a prop that she felt was cheap.

Whatever the background, to equate her scattered and shock laced, broken spirited response to defensiveness was just mind boggling.

Tyra doubled down and turned her attentions on Yaya because she couldn’t address the judge on her own panel.

To add insult to injury she made Yaya return to apologise to the hat?

She placed honour on a hat over another human beings heart?

There was no social media back then, I swear had there been the backlash would have been great. Many people were offended even though it was post woke era. Granted many weren’t concious of these things back then, but that scene was powerful, it stood on its own. It didn’t need any black rights advocacy or promptings to make one take note.

Make any excuse you want about what they were commenting on or what they meant…..What you can’t ignore unless you’re absolutely brain dead in my opinion, is the judge who said “you have this intensity to prove your africanness and I think sometimes it’s over bearing it’s just too much”

How does one prove their africaness when that is what they are?
How the hell does one explain that away? It’s clear as day the woman vomited her intolerance on Yaya. What she was actually saying was ‘your pride in your africanness is making me uncomfortable because it’s too over powering FOR me to deal with.’

The look Tyra gave that judge showed us she FELT that. But like the coward who cried over Naomi for over a decade, dedicating a whole show to scraping for her validation, understanding the importance of feelings only when it concerns her own that she is. She chose to assert herself to Yaya instead of addressing what she felt by the judges comment herself.

Yaya did not seem defensive in that clip. She was vulnerable and responded to their comments via explanation. Seems like tyra had more of a problem with yayas opinions than the white judge and that for me is telling.

She is forever making excuses that seem reasonable conveniently for all except her own? Why?

Case in point the recent H&M monkey top fiasco. When asked what she thought about the offensive racist ad. She catered her opinion to protecting the CEO of H&M from backlash. By pointing out rationally that the fault was with those managing the actual set in real time. Not the CEO as these details of who wears what isn’t CEO affairs to manage.

Do I agree with her logic there? Of course. But where was this understanding for Yaya when she labelled her reaction to racist intolerance as defensive?

Further perpetuating the stereotype that when a black woman stands up for herself she is being defensive or aggressive?

Yaya in general didn’t have the best personality sure, she did come across pretentious in some edits through out that season and wasn’t even my fav to win. But her personality flaw didn’t come into play during what happened in that clip. So for me it was irrelevant then and still is irrelevant now. In fact those deflecting through it are part of the problem.

She was forced to back down when she was right to stand up for herself and although she willingly apologised as she left judges spot light. Tyra felt the need to make her return half way out the room to apologise to the hat. (The hat part bothers me almost equally lol)

Anyways…

I am personally glad people are reviving this especially with the return of Americas next top model. That show including tyras comments or stances on something’s got away with a lot in the past.

There was another incident where a black girl who had a gap in her teeth was told close it as it wasn’t attractive. But wait for it….a white girl in the following season was celebrated for hers and in fact got told by Tyra herself to widen it.

This isn’t the kind of shit that would run in 2018. Yaya was wronged on a personal and racial level and I think an apology is never too late.

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Imagine this being the look you get when you say how you dress is not about proving something, it’s natural to you because it represents where you come from.

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Imagine these kind of comments being made and then right after that being shown a picture of yourself with a straight weave only to be celebrated and told that is aspirational? “Other girls would reach for this” Eurocentric “look” “because they don’t have that” “but this”. (Meaning her African look) “they can reach” so not a big deal sort of thing. (This was Tyra)

As for everything else that was said she watched on and validated it when she recommended Yaya seek being ‘glamorous’ “over natural”. Forget her defending yaya, she not only stamped it she couldn’t even show understanding for her broken voice or emotions at the least.

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What’s funny is she said this^ way before her famous talk show episode with Naomi Campbell. The one where she sat there bringing up the past in an attempt to solicit healing for her ego. I say ego because she was seeking validation from a disconnected Naomi, failing to make space for her perspective on matter. Because all that mattered was that Naomi co signs the narrative behind her feelings. That’s why she cried in joy for that half assed apology Naomi gave her. As if she threw her a bone for closure because she genuinely didn’t know what else to do so took responsibility for the feelings Tyra kept reiterating.

(I’m aware that I am lacking ’empathy’ for Tyra here, but I honestly don’t feel empathy for people in areas I’ve seen them lack it for another. It’s like I’m blocked from it)

I watched that episode on her Tyra show and thought Tyra has a problem with standing up for herself, which generally evokes compassion in me, it isn’t something that warrants criticism. But when your lack makes you vomit on another, its a different story.

That’s why she shamed Yaya for standing up for herself. It’s like she saw in her, her shadow that she didn’t integrate and it triggered her.

In this day and age I can’t fathom how someone who knows and has experienced many types of disadvantages faced by black women. In that sort of industry chose to turn a blind eye to a clear example of it, right in front of her.

Tyra believes she is preparing other black woman for that big bad industry world. When In retrospect her delusion doesn’t let her see, she is cutting them down to size to fit the disadvantages imposed on them effortlessly.

I didn’t like what I saw because I could see and feel Yayas spirit get crushed. The humiliation via the apology to the hat in the end. Is why this incident left an imprint.

I don’t like people who claim to stand for something and then betray it in the baitest of ways. Tyra doesn’t stand with black women. She is an appeaser and I’ve always seen that because I don’t think her authentic self is.

Acceptance leads to Justice.

Accepting others unconditionally for what they do or who they are, doesn’t mean you have to be in agreement with the choices they make especially if those choices affect you. It only means you are imparting justice for yourself and them.

For them, because you are not attempting to re write their reality. Allowing someone to be, is justice because you take the whole without trying to edit. Clarity doesn’t come into fruition through edits, it comes through holistic acceptance, of what is.

Accepting others unconditionally is justice for you also, because only through unconditional acceptance of another, can you create the space required to determine your own boundaries. Unconditional acceptance of others allows you to see what you are working with in every moment.

When you determine your boundaries through how you feel and not what you think, you build a fortress through self love and not the effect of a scraped wound.

There are some things you will never understand until you first understand what you are being taught by it.

Unconditional acceptance of others taught me how to implement self love thoroughly.

Release the thoughts that accompany your feelings, release what they say about you and others.

Embrace the feelings as they are, for the feelings are real and the thoughts are recycled from previous experiences the mind threw out, simply to make sense of the new.

Be grateful for the shitty things you’ve ever felt, for all the things you’ve felt that you invalidated. Be grateful for all the times you’ve been judged or misunderstood. For all the times something got flipped on you, for all the parts you played through Self neglect that helped stamp it effective. It must have helped because what is self neglect other than a reality where you are in service outside of self. Where have you gone?

Be grateful for all this because despite any sadness confusion or pain you feel, it teaches you lessons that inshallah will shape the rest of your life because you align with your self love, unconditionally. Through your core power that paves way to meet all of your core needs.

Be grateful because you are being taught how to establish justice for yourself. Aligning with self love in all matters, is the only guarantee for maintaining justice for your soul. Detachment is a defence mechanism employed to protect you from the cracks you precieve from the world, cracks that got bigger every time you made a choice to trust and go with the flow.
Cracks that got bigger every time you turned on yourself.

Detachment is the opposite of establishing justice for your soul. The only justice in your control to establish.

Any other form of justice due onto you, is best left in the focus of Allah. Who knows what you know not, who sees what you see not. Who is in control always.

He validates and vindicates as you sleep and walk with Love and peace.

Inner peace can never be yours to keep, if doing an injustice to your own soul is by passed heedlessly, or worse as insignificant. Inner peace is the souls language of approval for a reason.

When mine doesn’t approve, I don’t detach anymore through projection or apathy, I go into solitude with my vulnerability to listen…

To my soul.

Anxiety & Allah

Every problem has an opposite that conquers it. They say anxieties opposite is trust in Allah. I agree but I was inspired to see that there is more to it than just that. Opting for Trust in the face of anxious feelings gives you something to have faith in (Allah) who is most sufficient for one to place their trust. However just like anxiety hijacks the present moment, with overt focus on a outcome about a future matter (that’s feared or disliked)

True trust in Allah takes place with hope setting pace. Through this structure balance in the present moment is renewed & established; balance that was originally hijacked by anxiety.

True hope can not take place without surrendering the matter that triggered the anxiety to Allah.

When you surrender the matter, you allow hope to come in to re-establish balance in the present. It is hope that soothes the space of the wound that got triggered. Trust in Allah through this route solidifies ones faith in him. You no longer focus on the outcome, because focus on the outcome has diminished in momentum. Diminishing begins when you no longer feel tortured in the present.

Allah through his love takes care of us twice, through hope during a period of uncertainty, and through faith during a period of awaiting an outcome determined, only by his will.

He is the only one in control during night and day, in the present and future, through stressful or lethargic times. His mercy is such that he willed we go through the motions protected through a bracket of love.

(Hope & Faith)

“So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief: Verily with every difficulty there is relief”
~Quran 94

I think this is why the above verse is repeated twice. There is ease in the process for those who have hope, and ease in the outcome for those who have faith.

Fear can be a friend

Sort of..

If you look at its signal as a non witty snitch. I’m actually being serious, its signal highlights all the things that you thought didn’t matter anymore. Things perhaps you thought you’ve over come. If it still matters it means you haven’t over come it yet. Perhaps there is another angle to cover. Either way It means there is still work left to do, and do it you must.

I find things that fear snitches out, carry profound revelations. When other forms of feelings point the same thing out, it doesn’t necessarily carry the exact same message fear does, this is why sometimes you re experience certain things. Its the magic in feelings, albeit moving in similar form, they always produce unique results.

Fear doesn’t always lie, it sometimes guides. I look at what it points out as areas my soul needs to have input. My soul is the only expert on the ship. So is yours, what’s more healing happens effectively when you ask your soul to confront fears activity. When you ask your soul questions like…

“Why do I dread this?”
“Why does this still matter?”
“Why am I concerned about this?”

Because, because, because….

There is healing left…
Its a possibility attacking your trust…
Its trying to block stability…

These answers grant direction

To have healing left is to revisit a matter from a new door.

If it’s attacking your trust, it’s an opportunity to replenish your hope.

If it’s attempting to block stability, it’s a reminder you are actually still aligned with your souls motivation towards wholeness not egos towards survival.

Fear doesn’t block egos sought after stability, it caters for it.

So in the space between duality of effect, fear can be your friend.

Wilful Sacrifice & Neglect

I took many routes in life where the feelings of others took precedence over my own. At times the path was because i felt responsible for it. At others because despite how I felt, I cared about the other persons journey simultaneously…. I cared about their feelings.

My concern for others thus in covert ways made me abandon myself. It’s covert because it didnt seem like a bad thing. Until I discovered the place I became absent from was a place that became filled with feelings that pointed out self neglect.

Being concerned about others isn’t a bad thing, it just easily becomes a management issue if it leads you to by pass your own needs and feelings.

It’s mismanaged if you think, the concern can not exist without activity.

And there it was…… the new lesson old feelings returned to impart.

I find it strange how my feelings always will to give me something, as I by passed them most of my life to give to others.

I find it strange how I didn’t see, how easily willfully I sacrificed myself.

Who you are without tension and fear is who will carry you through life with contentment and joy.

Sometimes we put a lot of focus on who we are out side any fear related block, but not much on who we are outside of the tensions we feel.

In being forced to Peel through the layers of my wilful sacrifice. In accepting it being wilful (therefore not the fault of anyone it was intended for)

I saw my reflection starved of my own affections. Normally this would be blocked by a judgement of some kind on the other, This time judgment was replaced by curiosity, as I simplg wondered why I looked starved?

Curiosity always leads to clarity because for me it’s what makes me look inside not outwardly. The sakinah/calmness I felt protected me from getting detoured into a rabbit hole of shame.

I asked myself why I looked the way I did, even though how I looked was felt and not seen? the answer was

You look starved because you are by passing your own need…wilfully.
Your needs are meant to be met so it feeds you wellness. feed yourself what you intend to give.

There comes a point where you just have to stop and listen because…

What’s sacrificed for the sake of another via concern, actually has the biggest lesson for you to learn.

I can’t unsee what I see in such moments.
I can only accept it as my heart welcomes it or reject it via some logic so my ego safeguards itself.

I accepted it and occupied the spaces im quick to exit, as a new room
in my internal home that I’ll never leave wilfully again.

I use to feel people who put their own pain before others they claim to care about to be self absorbed. Now I just know the things we judge point to unhealed parts of ourselves. Me feeling they were self absorbed was me being led to my own self neglect.

judgemental feelings that burden you to feel through because your soul blocks it, carries with it the birth of the guidance you need. It’s a birth because to feel through is like riding constructions without pain relief.

The realisation that comes afterwards gives you inner peace.
In seeing the feelings weren’t about anything in the external but rather about you. You would be able to look at yourself not through a lens of right or wrong but through a lens that makes you keep it real with yourself.

Any result of Wilful sacrifice ultimately reflects back to you where you have rejected or abandoned yourself. I’m amazed by the where’s I’ve found.

When you don’t double down through shame and regret you find direction that leads to a path of contentment.

The biggest thing for me to learn was that I could care and not do anything.
The most profound thing for me to discover, is how through self love, my new structure doesn’t allow space for anyone or thing my feelings aren’t aligned with.

That^ was hard because it took me a while to see it. It took a while because through it Allah was demolishing the space occupied by my wilful sacrifice.

Im just amazed, I have a soul that doesn’t conflate its empathy with a meaning that leads it to act by default.

I wonder what else it feels that doesn’t require action to make it true.
With this understanding and wonder, I set another part of myself free. A part that was stuck in tension that blocked me from seeing it.

This is my soul space that I’ve up til now, didn’t realise I was decorating with self neglect.

Transitioning into 2 Homes

“Look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.”
~ Tom Stoppard

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What remains of my old life is inside of these boxes. I didn’t want to take much, i was being careful not to hoard things.

Why was I doing that? Because I felt inspired to make space for the new even though it doesn’t exist yet.

I was being careful in not keeping things
I knew I would never use again…

Why was I doing that? Because it symbolised my relationship with stagnation..

I was decluttering my home and Allah in tandem was decluttering me.

“Every act has an intention and every man will get what he intended..”
~ Umar bin al khatab

Will get what he intended not from the people, but from the lord of the world himself.

There is a connection between our actions intentions and results. Between it’s interchangeable nature and how regardless of it, Allah doesn’t lose pace as he monitors it all.

What often leads to sadness, disapointment or even anger, is not understanding the fundamental point behind this Hadith. Intentions do not get its results always through people or any external matter. The results are with Allah who is the witness of ones intent, even during mundane moments where it expanded or changed course somewhat or completely.

Ever ask yourself the question
“Why am I doing this or that?”

Sit with the answers from time to time you would be surprised by what you find. I was marvelled by what I intended as I packed. More importantly I was grateful for what Allah intended for me. Perhaps in just being able to recognise he intended something I’m half way near producing a result that accomplishes his purpose.

“I’ve always believed there are moments in our lives which can be defined as a transition between the before and after, between the cause and the effect”
~Benjamin X

Me too Benjamin…

Such moments give birth to opportunities that if seized correctly, assist us in reaching a wholesome end.

A before and a cause are often not,or are no longer in our control. But an ‘after’ and ‘effect’ we can use faith and hope to navigate.