Pause for the Cause ūüíé

Before you begin a new story, forgive yourself  for the old ones you told yourself.


What a new story wishes to build, holds no space to store the old.

Fear keeps you hostage to the past whilst hope keeps you in your light house. Your house of light.

Hate is an emotion that conveys hurt, when you hate yourself your body is communicating that you have hurt yourself.

Unconditional acceptance and love of oneself is a light that seaps through and directs to greater more wholesome pastures. If you are willing to walk through the dark abyss to reach it. Passing by valleys of doubt as you drop the masks of your false self like bread crumbs.¬†Not to mark a way back out, but to let others know others have passed through, that it’s safe to proceed with hope.

The path is dark because the feelings that guide there are at times difficult. The thoughts that try to do commentary for them are ‘egoically torturous’

There isn’t a darker place ive walked through than hatred for myself. Hatred for all the wrongs I’ve done to myself. ¬†There isn’t a greater light outside belief in god that I’ve felt, other than unconditional love and acceptance for and of myself.

This type of acceptance and love can not fully be experienced without self forgiveness, forgiveness for all that you’ve contributed, to the abandonment of yourself. Understanding of the antecedents that played a role in how you even managed to do such a thing to yourself.

Do not fixate on causation, it’s complicated to allocate blame to one specific thing. Even if you insist on self blame the complication persists, that is because every decision has an antecedent.

And every antecedent has a trajectory, every trajectory an explanation and understanding is a gift Allah will cultivate in you if you are receptive.

True Forgiveness is to acknowledge this rationalisation not as an excuse, but rather as the sound reason it is.

When your being communicates hurt to you, the worst you can do is to increase that momentum with further hurt. How does one do that? Firstly by invalidating the need for healing that its calling to. Secondly by running away from vulnerability.

Self forgiveness is to set yourself free from all past choices stemming from past blind spots, put in place by past core patterns that originated from a past wound. The events have passed and the lessons grasped so let go and forgive yourself.

The last person left to forgive was myself

The pre requisite for true forgiveness is to embrace your anger and allow it to make the boundaries you’ve lived without.

I smile because I deserve to, I sleep with ease because, clear conscience.

I build anew from an authentic place and leave to Allah to take care of the parts of me, that are held in the memories of the places I’ve left behind.

A sagacious choice, if I do say so maself.


What you are is what you love.

I’m someone motivated towards love, balance, ¬†unity and harmony. Always have been and always will be (inshallah).¬†The root of all my disappointments have been connected to this. What’s funny is in realising that, my disappointments flatlined into irrelevance.

When you let go of expectations or the story of how something was “suppose to be” because you trusted or believed in something, because ¬†you thought xy and z.

You free yourself up to embrace what is. The mantra of observation is nothing more than it is what it is. What something is, is betrayed by expectations.

Expectations do not make space for the current moment. Desires do, What I desire remains pure in heart despite external disappointments from the past.

What I desire is connected to what I am. Love harmony unity and balance. All that has ever disappointed me merely served to teach how to better safeguard what I am and what I love.

In the space where my disappointments once  existed, I now see human struggle and things that have nothing to do with me.


When we feel balanced we feel inner peace because our self agency is integrated in that moment from a soul space. Imbalance is an opportunity for the ego to make a play for power. It does it through trying to compartmentalise your needs, through the charge of imbalance you are under.

Holding space for what uncomfortable feelings are trying to communicate to you and getting acquainted with its process, during episodes of imbalance is paramount to remaining in your soul space. Unconditionally accepting all of your feelings and holding space for them is self government comprised of a competent cabinet. A cabinet made up of awareness, presence, patience, intelligence, compassion and justice.

Is it weird that I love doing this, by this I mean presenting my self for Allah to cultivate understanding even during pressing moments that contain what feels like harsh emotions. I’ve found something to do with my composure.

I use it to summon him, have hope in him, to trust in him. My equanimity that I’ve only ever experienced before as soul leaks, I’ve recently discovered had levels to it, but now I’ve discovered it’s profound meaning for existing as a part of me by divine mercy in the first place!

It’s the valley where I surrender and approach Allah through my vulnerability. Where I end he begins. Equanimity is provision that covers me with protection as he¬†sees me unguarded.



April Fools day

Every year I enter this day thinking it’s novelty wore off. Then there is always that one person who thinks other wise and before you know it you’ve fell for their prank.

I think the worst of pranks that I fell for came from my dad. It was full of  satire! Oh the sheer embarrassment of falling for it haunts me to this day.

I was 14 years old and he told me some guy  wanted to marry me, he was in his mid 20s. A family friend who I had a normal social friendly relationship with.

My dad literally presented a ‘proposal’ on behalf of that guy, with this serious negotiating voice. He used some of the emotional pleas, parents who coerce their kids into accepting an arrange marriage, would.

The emotional manipulation part was the worst. Looking back his execution was a genius form of satire.

I was surprised mainly because what I was hearing and seeing ‘betrayed’ ¬†everything I knew about my father. He was nothing like those parents who feel their children are here to do their bidding and who waltz around like their word alone is bond. Or that obedience to their desires is more of a priority and worth more importance, than cultivating a healthy sense of autonomy into their child.

What I remember about that prank was how deeply my lack of self trust ran. How it even by passed acknowledgement of the slight smirk on my dads face as he acted out his role. Despite knowing this wasn’t my father as I knew him, I was unable to validate that knowledge?

It was as though I associated safety with going with what I was seeing over what I knew. Simply because the past can be wiped out by a change in the present (according to my mind). If what I know was cultivated in the past, then the present moment that contradicts it, to me over powered it.

Things change, people change

Stunned by my dad as the prank unfolded, ¬†I remember saying so genuinely and innocently “I don’t want to because I’m too young”

I also remember not knowing how to process my emotions of discomfort. In order to function I by passed my feelings.

After my response my dad laughed and said “April fools day!” I felt annoyed and playfully pushed him aside. ¬†I felt a¬†strange sense of relief that my knowledge of him remained pure and intact. This was followed by curiosity over why I was afraid to stand with what I knew.

Why was I deathly afraid of having what I know taken away. It’s as if my sense of stability as a child centred a lot around what I know to be true, what I cherish and value remaining intact.

My internal reaction to that prank was a tell tale sign of the absence of my self trust. I wonder what I could have healed with my fathers love, if I was concious of  issue back then.

There is a reason this came up for me now, lately there hasn’t been much room in time, between the lessons I’m being taught.

If I was unable to defend knowledge of my father then I say proudly I’ve come a long way today.

I think one of the biggest disservice ive done to myself was to downplay or undermine my own journey, my own struggles. As I put the journeys of others above it, in terms of importance.

I am not that person anymore and I’m ok with it. Understanding that the presence of my empathy wasn’t necessarily summoning activity was the breakthrough I didn’t expect.

Wilful sacrifice that occurs due to lack of understanding of the above, was self neglect forcing its way through my love.

The motivations ¬†behind the things we do, is best exposed to us through Allah who sees and understands it. Best because the¬†algorithm his will manifests through, isn’t limited by our blind spots.¬†¬†We see what he wills us to see when he wills it. His will accommodates for all of our needs.

He knows how to communicate to us effectively. Leave your heart open and unguarded for him.




Circle of Life

Know that…

You are safe, that¬†even during transition you can be grounded.¬†You’re able to let go of fear, able in so many ways.¬†Mistakes don’t define you, what’s out of reach isn’t confirmation, ¬†loneliness isn’t your companion it’s the weather that accompanies a storm. You’re an abundant being waiting to exhale. Wanting to go home.¬†

Exhale and forget about it, knowing that all that weighs heavy on you, Allah won’t forget about it.¬†Whatever he brings you to, he will bring you through. Trust in his process, it’s the circle of life.


Current Energy~ Chapter 1 (Intolerance)

The current energy is working through creating balance between mind, body and soul.  The harmonising of all 3, cements the space of cracks, that made room for its fragmentation in the first place.

The feeling of imbalance is a tell tale sign that decentralisation is in the mix. That isn’t a good thing to me, as it means ones power or self agency is for grabs. As if imbalance is an invitation for ego to come make a play for power. This is why when we feel balanced we feel inner peace. ¬†We know our self agency is in great hands with our soul, because it’s the soul that is motivated towards completion, ¬†as opposed to ego that’s motivated towards survival.

These differences in motivation matter a great deal because principle wise, I can trust someone motivated towards completion with power over resolution than someone motivated by survival.

When fragmentation occurs between the mind and body, a state of disorientation follows. ¬†To get lost in that state creates a risk akin to decomposition of ¬†the neglected part. It’s a risk because it just means it regenerates itself more powerfully, which is how suffering occurs.

When you feel imbalance, it ¬†can at times mean you are giving attention and service to one part of you over another and so you catch a case. I said “at times” because generally imbalance is a sign that something is missing, something worth receiving. ¬†That something is in the midst of the complaint in the case you caught so its about deciphering what the complaint is and opting for wanting to cater to it the right way.

The epiphanies I have are all connected to this. It all started with a neighbour I felt compassion for but that has low key been annoying me.

What ever it is that this lady is reflecting back, I find it very healing that love is present. ¬†I trust the emotional ‘toil’ of it all is not without purpose. The toil isn’t because of her, ¬†it’s happening within.

Her nature exposed an imbalance I find interesting and it’s the make up of it all I’m¬†intrigued by.

There is something about her connected to my soul mission that Allah is using through his meticulous wisdom to assist my inner alchemy.

Whats ‘funny’ is there is another neighbour who tries to bond with me through gossip about her ways lol I’m like go away ibleesa at least the other is authentic and teaching me the imbalance in my tolerance about others behaviour.

LOL! subhanallah that’s what it is!

Inalilaah how does matter go full circle as I wrote the above! See this is why writing helps me. I was going to delete that last paragraph about the gossipy neighbour, because looking at it now my ego tried to suggest things about sharing that. My intuition said “no it matters” so I trusted that and look where it led subhanallah

I’m genuinely smiling alhamdulilaah, this isn’t just about the basic point of tolerance connected to behaviour. I’ve summarised a lot but it’s about the harmonising I mentioned in beginning of post. It’s about learning to communicate with all aspects of mind body and soul to assist its integration even more.

Normally things I’m annoyed by I understand why and thus accept it. It’s an intolerance that’s stirring the pot yes but I have the freedom to act on it or not.

In this case I had internal conflict enter equation. On the one hand is what the person does, on the other is how I feel about it and some where on the outskirts is what I think.

In combination of all the above I didn’t understand thus not able to accept it. It was this affect that awoke my interest. Like what’s going on here then.. sort of thing.

Through communicating with all aspects of me and holding space to listen and receive, I found it not being about who I am, as I do, what’s from me. But it was more about accepting and loving all parts of me unconditionally, ¬†through understanding what I feel and what I need are a central part of me. This is why Allah used a matter that honed in on my compassion vs annoyance, it flipped every time to my compassion taming my annoyance.

The compassion was from a soul space it has understanding wisdom and grace it holds my dislikes in a balanced way. The annoyance was from an ego place and wanted to use my dislike to execute its safety agenda but at the expense of my hearts desire. ironically what caused me to notice the imbalance in the first place was the annoyance I felt.

I allowed it to exist in peace within me and in doing so alhamdulilaah I was able to recognise by Allah’s mercy, that there is more to this.

and there was..

I’ll revisit this, as chapter two unfolds, I think it will but for now I need to absorb what is.









True Love Nurtures

Man can never know the loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in the woman’s womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. Woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she is bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child rearing and man bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to be. But for woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment man rests inside of her.
~Ana√Įs Nin, The Diary of Ana√Įs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

“..In the moment man rests inside of her” says so much. There is fulfilment in holding what you love, in looking on with unconditional love. In witnesssing ¬†‘degnimo’/peace & contentment enevelope.

Life is consistent with opportunities that provide growth. It happens most whilst you’re busy making other plans. I think that is why the aspect of nurture accompanying love, is most profound.

To nurture is to cherish, to cherish is to value the worth of another.

Achieving Balance

Balance is achieved when you check in with your self not resist or rush any part of yourself to comply with what ego determines,  restores balance.

Times of imbalance are usually an indication that you are about to receive something new. Fear pipes up to fill in the blanks with the old.

In being able to observe ¬†this strange phenomena you realise how far you’ve come. Hope stabilises within you the point that you can go further. Faith stabilises trust in the truth of that.

Disorientation is a sign of imbalance, so is absence of inner peace. When inner peace returns you know you’ve ¬†embodied ¬†what Allah intended for you and it’s always to alchemise the inner parts of ourselves that has been hurt or alienated even betrayed.

Have faith in him who recognises and knows this better than yourself. We are prone to feel the symptoms  but are often unconscious of the cause.

Imbalance occurs when something is a amiss, when something is amiss truth is missing from the equation. In remaining still with imbalance you therefore position yourself to receive a truth. Purification doesn’t happen in the absence of truth.

Every source of imbalance one feels has a truth trying to make its way in. Make space for it by holding space for yourself.




Patience & Power

And We have made some of you [people] as trial for others – will you have patience? And ever is your Lord, Seeing. – [25:20]

Some people will stab you, and then get offended, because you bled. The offence here is symbolic for avoiding responsibility for what they did.

Having patience with such people doesn’t mean putting up with the harm they inflict, by turning the other cheek. Rather having sabr/patience means remaining in your centre.¬†From being in your centre, ¬†the understanding ¬†that some people’s purpose in your life is by way of trial and all that comes with knowing that, is cultivated.

You can never control what others do as you only have control over yourself.

“Will you have patience?” In the above ayah is akin to “will you remain whole?” If you are struggling with it. Or “Will you choose wholeness?”¬†If trial momentarily and/or unknowingly ¬†made you depart from it.

In any case what is remarkable is how patience that is seen by many as proof of “powerlessness” is actually the bedrock of standing with power.¬†

Ibn taymeeyah r/a faced trials through the people of his time and acquired much wisdom as a result of it, he once said…


The¬†patience he had is what allowed him to look at a situation through the lens of an eagle. Through patience he was able to scan the horizon, see the bigger picture and extract profound meaning, ¬†that connected him to him self. He transmuted the “consequence” into a blessing in disguise, or a blessing by default.

If they exiled him, then they set him on a path of spiritual journey. If they killed him (based on the reasons they wanted to) they render him shaheed. ¬†If they imprison him they can’t take away his inner peace, because it was never something to be obtained outside of him in the first place.

This is what true patience does, it empowers because it restores and protects ones balance. It provides meaning that is personal to the self, and clarity that results in self assurance.


The picture above presents the experience of the Irish in the states, in comparison to the African American. ¬†On the one hand yes the slave era was worse, but on the other ones experience shouldn’t be invalidated because a worse type exists.

It should provide perspective but never invalidation. As the former supports patience and the latter injustice in and of it self.

Every ones experience is valid. It doesn’t require external recognition, comprehension or even acceptance to make it so.

Allah has made some people as trials for others. These people come in all forms, shapes and statuses. From clear oppressors to those  incognizant of what they do. These people can be strangers or even those closest to you.

These existing variations in their persons and actions are just as important, as the distinction and differences in circumstances where a trial is presented. Important to the one experiencing it.

Personally I ¬†am not a fan of conscious invalidation. I say concious because sometimes a blind spot in a matter can make one invalidate another’s feelings or experience unintentionally. So they can’t be categorised the same as those who do it whilst aware.

In any case, the only common ground for those on the receiving end, is that opting to have patience when others are made a trial for them, assists all that aligns with their highest good.

If there is no contrition among those who harm you or set out to do so, remain centred anyway, what they lack isn’t your business. Have ¬†patience because your business is the fact that they are a trial for you. ¬†Reflect in case you’re a trial for the other too. Sometimes two people can be a trial for each other. So scanning ¬†for that possibility, ¬†is from integrity especially when the external reality points to you being wronged. ¬†Empathy doesn’t always intend to summon activity by default of it being felt. It just means you consider, ¬†or are made aware of a whole host of things.

Sabr/patience stems from a soul space, those who embody it at the first strike of a calamity or tension are rewarded the most because they act from a soul space not ego. May Allah make this our default state. Some have experienced it through soul leaks so are aware of its benefit. But to have it embedded into your subconscious so it becomes a default state is a mercy and grace in and of it self.


Happiness has an Address


When I first read this I scratched my head from many different angles haha. I find the ‘complexity’ in the delivery as contrasted by the simplicity in meaning adorable to say the least.

Happiness is within and is only accessed by being present. It exists in the soul space that’s why it’s easy for people absent from there, to be directed by ego to go find it ‘out there’