Hearts & Collateral Damage

There is a way to protect ones heart, without inflicting blame on it for what it was subjected to of harms. That way, first requires awareness of the blame you inflicted on your heart. .

Our hearts are a special part of us that exist within. A loving organ that needs to be preserved as it is, for what it is. Perhaps my blame wound in life was rooted in my blaming  my heart.  Blame that made me feel I needed to protect it. Sometimes through protection we do harm. Through preservation we can serve & save.

I’ve never been someone who asked Allah ‘why’ things happened or were the way they were, as I went through it. I resonated more with understanding that some day it would make sense. Life for me has mostly been complex. Example,  through the understanding I hated having (as it connected to the things I blamed my heart for)  I’ve also benefited from knowing who Allah is.

If the heart is an organ of love then the spirit is a vessel that receives. Through the shrapnels of my blame bomb my heart was subjected to by me, It was able to love Allah freely without shame. My soul received him (no blame was ushered out). I understood him even in the things I didn’t understand that happened because I have unwavering trust in his mercy and justice, he is infallible. So understanding  all that relates to why someday I might understand, what I didn’t in a moment was understanding in and of itself. As the heart loves Allah the soul receives him.

If you have a soul that receives you have a heart that loves. I blamed mine nonsensically, yet he kept it alive through his love & mercy. My vulnerability wasn’t blocked from him because my soul received him unconditionally.

The soul receives what’s true and whatever of good we do is from him. I’ve struggled the most in accepting the things my soul recieved that I couldn’t understand in a moment for why it did or would in consideration of many things. A struggle that makes sense if you had lessons surrounding trust & self trust. A battle within I don’t expect others to understand.

In a world where peoples hearts are accepted as collateral damage for myriad of reasons. One can turn on their own albeit unconsciously, because it doesn’t allow them to do the same. It’s ironic, because you’ve effectively made your own heart collateral damage through shame & blame.

La Ilaha Illa Anta Subhanaka Inni Kuntu Minazzalimeen (“…There is none worthy of worship besides You. Glorified are You. Surely I am from the wrongdoers.” (21:87)

I’ve always connected deeply to this dua of Nabi yunis (a/s) from how he left his people due to no hope in them, from what they displayed and how he ended up in the belly of the whale and what he said in his prayer whilst in there.

This is a dua that when I say, I can feel my heart expand and as it expands I choke up and cry, due to the gush of healing like feelings I would be made to feel inside.

You can only connect the dots when you look back and I feel the reason behind my attachment to that dua, was because of the wrongs I’ve perpetrated against my own heart. (The blame)

May Allah forgive us for the things we subject our own souls to. You will always attract into your life all the events and matters required for you to awaken.  Awaken to all that you need to, that serves your highest good.

A loving heart is the truest wisdom and wisdom will come across ignorance. In order to confront it, stand as a contrast to it and help heal it. Don’t turn on your loving heart and blame it for any ignorance or lack it encounters or that you’ve experienced. It needs you to preserve it not attack through blame, as doing that is a form of rejection. Rejection for being exactly how Allah created it to be.  Through self compassion you discern not just the true nature of your loving heart, but also those that exist in others.





When the Scales ⚖️ Don’t Match.

Im discovering why things like Justice, mercy and balance are measured and viewed and acted on differently from one person to another. In this day & age of “my truth” you see the limits of people’s views and measure on these things, so don’t colour it different accept it.  “My truth” is a summary of statements that  indicate ones limits.

A person is showing you where they stand through what they currently feel & know on the back drop of their own life experiences. Every truth has a cord that connects back to the Truth as laid down by Allah. That cord is what leads to expansion,  to reach for it is why he changes ones condition for the better, he increases the bandwidth of their limit and guides them to what assists their journey.  One then proceeds until met with the next one and so on & so forth. Reaching for his cord is therefore the pinnacle of matter. It’s why we have feet to move.

When you see your measure not matched by others in subtle ways and then you micromanage your feelings about it, because you understood why it didn’t match but didn’t know how to accept it. Suffering later engulfs you because their limit manifested towards you. You feel like a pariah because of this. A pariah due to low-key shame as your ego lays causation at your feet, it tells you, you put yourself there. You aided  them against you. You then feel shame for not having a limit with them before they did with you.  Forgetting in that moment that you are you, not anyone else..your measure is yours theirs is theirs.

This is why people unconsciously relegate their souls to a back seat. The ego uses their good and shames it mercilessly. It wants to activate appreciation for its survival strategy. But through remembrance of Allah you transcend. You don’t meet people where they are, you meet them where YOU are.

Why is that important? Because one shouldn’t support the tipping of the scales of justice mercy and balance against themselves. Where is the mercy for yourself? The balance and therefore justice?

These are not things you exempt yourself from. Doing so only pleases shaytan and aids his plot to make you lose yourself.

Learn to accept what is through your own soul blueprint. It accepts without shame or guilt or presumption of lack on your part. It leaves people to their narratives.

Opening you up to value your own opinion and non ego based thoughts. Doing so preserves you from being disturbed by others justifications for what they do.

Remaining centred and balanced within protects you from injury. We differ in limits and measure because we have different provisions, intentions and different ways of externalising them.

Learn the lessons behind  the feelings you by passed as it showed you in subtle ways where you differed from others on limits.  It’s not invalidating their limits to acknowledge yours don’t meet at the stops you witnessed theirs in.

I think the biggest injustice we do to ourselves is to conflate what we understand with what we should be ok with. Tolerance doesn’t mean acceptance. If you are not ok you are not ok, even if you understand the bigger picture. The one you’re in also matters.

When conflations of the above don’t exist, you not only unconditionally accept yourself but you can help others with the limits you see, if that is what resonates with you to do. Allah expands and knows the hearts that will to grow.

You are your priority. Don’t stunt your own growth because you refuse to unconditionally accept how you feel. About what you see and what it means to you. Not doing that creates an internal dysfunction and disconnect because you are judging yourself for what you felt.

This is also why  people park their intuition, they park it because they dont know what to do with it in a moment. Start with accepting the feelings you have about what it came to point out. Your intuition requires the same maintenance your general feelings do. Acceptance and patience.

Unconditional self acceptance = protection for your self esteem. You suffer when people show you their limits because through ego you connect their limits to a declaration about your worth or an attack on it.  Truth is you got it twisted, firstly even your own limit isn’t a declaration of your worth. Limits can expand, your worth cannot increase or decrease. It’s fixed not malleable because your fitra is your potential, your worth, your soul.

If your own limits aren’t  declarations about your worth how can the limits of others be?

Other people’s limits say nothing about you if you unconditionally accept your feelings upon seeing it or experiencing it. You find their limits says something to you, but never about you. What it says to you in relation to topic in hand, is that your own limit in a matter hasn’t been reached and thats it. Don’t shame yourself for that just see and accept it. The mantra of observation is “it is what it is”

Recognition and acceptance of  that protects your self esteem, that ego tries to drill holes through in order to show up & assert control. Acceptance, that your limit has space left helps you continue on your own path from a soul space.  Integrate your light don’t unintentionally dim it by abandoning yourself. Closing your heart is a form of self abandonment and hearts close because of the stories you hold about yourself in connection to your life experiences.

I think if our children are an amana/trust, so is our own fitra. It’s justice for your soul to experience alignment with it to the best of your ability. That is what this world is about. Our purpose of life connects to Allah in achievement of that. He is not in need of us we are in need of him to do that, and return home with that.




Like your mind can be changed, don’t be afraid to make decisions that align with what resonates with you in the present moment. That present moment shouldn’t be ushered aside to take stock of a future one. Simply because you feel dread about the possibility of going back on a decision you’ve made. The probability of changing your mind later shouldn’t take precedence in the now.

Unconditional acceptance of yourself blocks negation of what’s felt in the present. Dont micromanage your present self, the present feelings are here to aid it. Your future self will have its own.



“One is not in bondage to the past, which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements.”
Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

Courage requires taking responsibility, taking responsibility requires acknowledging personal contribution to the ‘what is’

This that I chose to do. Its price I choose to pay. If it is my death, then I choose to die.

^ Meaning to alter chemistry commit to taking responsibility for the patterns in your actions. However difficult, soul integrity doesn’t wrestle with it ego does. Allah orchestrates the circumstances to bring us into awareness of ourselves. It remains the same until we become aware of our contributions and accept them. No justifications no projections no identification, just unconditional acceptance.

Timelines  dont dissolve until you take responsibility for your activity in it, you can’t take responsibility without acknowledging your part of the chemistry in the lesson you are given. Sometimes the same lesson come back just because responsibility wasn’t taken in it. Even if you’ve taken other benefits or forms of awareness from it.


Detachment ♥️

I have not walked into detachment through inner peace in 8 years. It’s space has expanded from what I remember it to feel like. It’s a space that conserves my balance. The same space that shielded me from the world, when I was disconnected from understanding my feelings, it has expanded I guess for it.

Never in my life has practical behaviour felt so surreal & euphoric.

Ever heard the folklore of the turtle and how it got its shell? One day as it was roaming around the sea shore, some vultures watched it from afar. Scheming to harm it and undermining its ability to defend or fend for itself.

They said “It moves so slow, when we strike it won’t get far” & laughed. A bird nearby heard the plot and was over come with empathy due to reflecting on its own ability to fly. It warned the turtle and the turtle replied “He who created me as I am, has also the means for my protection. In him I place my trust”

The next morning the turtle woke up with a shell on its back. He carried his home and protection where ever he went. The moral to this story that resonates with me, is that Allah is not only aware of your needs but guides you to also be through hope & faith, so that he can fulfil it

Fear exists where love is absent and love in its pure state, shines best where & when Allah is  remembered.

“Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” (Qur’an, 13:28)

Assured because as your soul remembers him he reminds you of your purpose, of who you are. Through rememberance of Allah you align with your natural disposition (fitra)

“I am to my servant as he thinks I am, with him when he remembers Me. If he remembers Me in his heart, I remember him to Myself, and if he remembers me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly better than his…” (Bukhari and Muslim)

How he teaches us balance through ihsan^ assurance that what we do of khayr is met with a greater one. If Allah remembers you, you are not forsaken.

Detach from everything that doesn’t serve you, so that you can attach to him, who has your highest good in his hand. Accept calmly whatever happens by remembering Allah who orchestrated it through his divine wisdom. Wisdom that may or may not be revealed to you albeit often he does.

When your mind is in a state of inner balance and peace it’s because it’s bonded with your heart and works in tandem with it.

When you are in a state of detachment you are not easily disturbed. Your happiness and actions depend on you.

Not the thoughts or opinions of others. Value yourself by unconditionally accepting your feelings. Forgive the moments you didn’t. your intentions are not lost with Allah. Remember him who remembers you, thus reflecting back to you who you truly are with truth.

Repetitive compulsion vs Divine Decree

When trauma linked emotions come back it’s an opportunity for healing and clearance provided by Allah. It’s for you to respond to this time through your soul space. It’s an opportunity to end  karmic cycles that exist through a foundation of unconscious behavioural patterns. Rooted in forms of repetitive compulsion. It’ an opportunity to not  fix” the traumatic memories, but rather to transcend them using your soul structure.

What’s truly beautiful about that^^ is, how Allah actually does what your ego mimicks through unattainable goals (repetitive compulsion related goals). Allah does it through love and mercy.  He accomplishes his purpose to transform you through healing ‘..to complete his favour upon you, so that you be of those who are grateful.’ (Surah maida)



Nuclear bombs💥

Understanding & its Trigger 

Being shown you are “worth” the effort to be understood is something that surprises and inspires awe. It’s one of the ways to also identify there is a problem. The other is when it’s the last thing you expect to receive. How could you when understanding was left for you to exercise and come with since, forever.

I hated myself for having it. Self Hate is a sign of emotions pointing out that you are hurting yourself. I Hated having understanding because deep down inside whether it was expected or not,  it’s something Allah cultivated in my heart space freely anyway.

So id flee my heart as it pumped out understanding like a whore on a street corner without a pimp to even at least secure it was safe to give. How can I feel such a way over understanding? A good attribute. Mine was contaminated with a wound that said “im meant to understand but not really worth the consideration or effort to be understood”

Im aware that’s not true, I’m aware anyone who shows me that isn’t worth a second of my time. But aware of the above or not, it would get triggered.

A wound that was the reason for why so many situations were bought into my field. Some that were a mercy shining light on the narrative of my wound being invalid.

Some so I could “guess” why these reoccuring issues existed, (the sad takers in them were a massive clue)

What ever the case my relationship with understanding has been visited a lot during my growth. Each visit un veiling something new.

My favorite connected to my mirror, for a long time I wondered, how you could in the midst of my nuclear bombs…. extract my soul, understand my grief, love my essence, get my motivations, stay patient, (dream about me yes irrelevant) and after all that….presented it was done effortlessly, confidently, so that I may see myself the same.

You were meeting a core need I wasn’t even aware I had.

I’ve not dropped a nuclear bomb in ages because I’ve come to understand my feelings. I’ve come to understand because Allah used it to do it.

I see why the space for the nuclear bombs was cleared, why space was held for it by you, so that I could.

Understanding is cultivated by Allah into who he pleases. If I have it, his will I won’t flee. What sense does it make to with hold what’s automatic when it is.

Exit from heart space = blindness to what is.

Exit from heart space = to deny experience of your risq.

I reclaim my power in how I view understanding.  I Rub clear the blind spots connected to beliefs that those who didnt understand me, chose not to. Wipe out the core beliefs that aimed to extract my self worth from being understood.

Don’t stand in the way of how Allah reveals to you your people.