3am Mind

You know today I was out walking and it suddenly dawned on me, the wisdom behind how my life in the past couple of years unfolded. As I listened to my egos whispering of what it would have loved to have done, with all that I’m cognisant of now. I smiled inwardly as I witnessed the subtle truth that though those musings made me chuckle, I loved more & wholeheartedly what Allah did.

Like I just can’t even fathom the immense wisdom behind his plan for me. The kind you can only connect, when you look back.

I genuinely believe certain swords in my back, were best left there for the divine himself to pull out. Rather than my ego which was the only way of life I was acustomed to before.

I know this would be the most gassed thing I probably could say about myself, but ever since I became consciously aware of my worth as a soul, I feel a sense of protection around who I share myself with and what I associate my self with. In all areas of my life, especially in the one thing that’s borrowed which is time. I couldn’t feel more content in sharing my life with the people in it and in the ways and things I now aspire to. 

It’s unbelievable to me that in all my years in this world, the criteria I judge worth by, finally is what’s worthy of me? Instead of an unconscious am I worthy.

I think what happened today was a silent ceremony where I was made to look at the swords from my past and with contentment buried it with gratitude accompanied by the remembrance of Allah. Gratitude for the space I needed that his way created. Space in which I was able to realise my soul and the expansive inner mansion it had for me….called home. 

The soul learns and transcends while the ego cares for right and wrongs. I don’t anymore.

Love & the Drowing

The Drowning can’t ‘save’ the Drowning
Without mutual acknowledgment and empathy of struggles in a given matter. Otherwise one unconsciously expects things exclusively that another requires themselves. This expectation puts the onus of lack on the other and alludes one to the unfairness in the imbalances that birth it. The same nurturing of vulnerability, the same quality in understanding, patience, trust and love one seeks and needs, to not see how another does to, isn’t something I can work with and I embrace that with unconditional love and understanding for myself and all that I feel. Not doubt about and identification with what is.

To not acknowledge how nurture is required equally is the root of disconnection. It paves way for the one onus is indirectly put on, to do to themselves what the other avoids doing to their own soul so as to self actualise in peace.

So people are lovable if they bow down to serve others and put on hold what their own growth requires. Because If they ain’t serving in ways pleasing or safe to another than there is a flaw in them that must one get away from.

Love can become service to ego, when you can’t see the imbalances above. Imbalances in how one measures or judges it.

Love for me isn’t a choice it’s a matter of the heart with its own will as directed by Allah. It isn’t something you can deny.
To assume one to be cut off from love for you  or lacking in being present with it. Is to conflate ones present focus during trying times, as they swim and prioritise themselves, with your own fears.

The true test for holding space for peoples feelings and having loving trust of and for them is in how you maneuver with your own when theirs confront it because of something you did because of your perception of what they did.

I don’t understand much, what I do understand is what makes someone not see all of what’s said above. That’s my love.

 

 

 

Trust & Fitra

“To the righteous it will be said, “O reassured soul, return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing [onto Him]…enter among my [righteous] servants..enter you, My Paradise”

(Quran 89:27-30)

I think if our children are an amana/trust, so is our own fitra. It’s justice for your soul to experience alignment with it to the best of your ability. Ultimately that is what this world is about. Our purpose of life connects to Allah in achievement of that. How you with stand the toil & trouble that involves that. Our purpose of life is to worship him, so we are not cut off from what helps us on this journey back to our natural disposition. He is not in need of us or our worship. We are in need of him and it,  to do that, and return home having benefited from that. 

Divine Interruption

When you are distracted from preserving your own heart. Allah does it for you. This is why doors you insist on walking through close on you. What you feel, all of it, are guiding you to what you weren’t doing that Allah does for you.

To sit through such feelings is difficult because you are walking through the effects of  the wounds, that hold up the very veils preventing you from seeing the distractions  for what they are.

Allah wills to give you sight where you are blind.

Dua and Dreams

Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

To be led by the dreams of your heart, don’t be pushed around by the fears of your mind.  Treat your dreams like the food you need to eat. Acknowledged and reached for every day and preserved with purity.

Semblance

The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man’s life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die.” George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones (A Song of Ice and Fire, #1)

Hearts & Collateral Damage

There is a way to protect ones heart, without inflicting blame on it for what it was subjected to of harms. That way, first requires awareness of the blame you inflicted on your heart. .

Our hearts are a special part of us that exist within. A loving organ that needs to be preserved as it is, for what it is. Perhaps my blame wound in life was rooted in my blaming  my heart.  Blame that made me feel I needed to protect it. Sometimes through protection we do harm. Through preservation we can serve & save.

I’ve never been someone who asked Allah ‘why’ things happened or were the way they were, as I went through it. I resonated more with understanding that some day it would make sense. Life for me has mostly been complex. Example,  through the understanding I hated having (as it connected to the things I blamed my heart for)  I’ve also benefited from knowing who Allah is.

If the heart is an organ of love then the spirit is a vessel that receives. Through the shrapnels of my blame bomb my heart was subjected to by me, It was able to love Allah freely without shame. My soul received him (no blame was ushered out). I understood him even in the things I didn’t understand that happened because I have unwavering trust in his mercy and justice, he is infallible. So understanding  all that relates to why someday I might understand, what I didn’t in a moment was understanding in and of itself. As the heart loves Allah the soul receives him.

If you have a soul that receives you have a heart that loves. I blamed mine nonsensically, yet he kept it alive through his love & mercy. My vulnerability wasn’t blocked from him because my soul received him unconditionally.

The soul receives what’s true and whatever of good we do is from him. I’ve struggled the most in accepting the things my soul recieved that I couldn’t understand in a moment for why it did or would in consideration of many things. A struggle that makes sense if you had lessons surrounding trust & self trust. A battle within I don’t expect others to understand.

In a world where peoples hearts are accepted as collateral damage for myriad of reasons. One can turn on their own albeit unconsciously, because it doesn’t allow them to do the same. It’s ironic, because you’ve effectively made your own heart collateral damage through shame & blame.

La Ilaha Illa Anta Subhanaka Inni Kuntu Minazzalimeen (“…There is none worthy of worship besides You. Glorified are You. Surely I am from the wrongdoers.” (21:87)

I’ve always connected deeply to this dua of Nabi yunis (a/s) from how he left his people due to no hope in them, from what they displayed and how he ended up in the belly of the whale and what he said in his prayer whilst in there.

This is a dua that when I say, I can feel my heart expand and as it expands I choke up and cry, due to the gush of healing like feelings I would be made to feel inside.

You can only connect the dots when you look back and I feel the reason behind my attachment to that dua, was because of the wrongs I’ve perpetrated against my own heart. (The blame)

May Allah forgive us for the things we subject our own souls to. You will always attract into your life all the events and matters required for you to awaken.  Awaken to all that you need to, that serves your highest good.

A loving heart is the truest wisdom and wisdom will come across ignorance. In order to confront it, stand as a contrast to it and help heal it. Don’t turn on your loving heart and blame it for any ignorance or lack it encounters or that you’ve experienced. It needs you to preserve it not attack through blame, as doing that is a form of rejection. Rejection for being exactly how Allah created it to be.  Through self compassion you discern not just the true nature of your loving heart, but also those that exist in others.