……and only interesting when you observe them through feeling. A major pattern I noticed in recent years is how I have no confidence in perpetrators behind manufactured mess with no rhyme or reason about me. It inconvenienced me the most, because I knew that they wouldn’t make themselves available to hear my truths. I’ve been mostly betrayed by cowards…the kind that put knives in my back. So as you can imagine making themselves available for confrontation was non existent on their list of what to do. To be honest even when some did I would be met with lies and gaslighting I’d see straight through.
This type of reality really aggravated me inside, because it would summon up my own darkness. Due to feeling forced to experience a reality that was out of my control. Even though I could accept when one is, I didn’t understand why I was forced to experience it, in the ways that I did…..so I felt and observed my thoughts….
‘Perhaps there is something internal Allah is trying to teach me’…….I wondered, so I resigned myself to hold space for my soul, as it positioned me to receive whatever that may be.
I didn’t want to engage & have an affair with confusion which was the alternative. I rather I got myself ready for a date with clarity…..
The hardest thing for me, was to do nothing, when my ego wanted to do a whole load of something’s. The second hardest thing was for me to witness, the nonsensical envy I had towards my own self because of how easy I made doing nothing look in contrast to how it absolutely was not.
This led me to become aware that in these sort of circumstances, I was being forged by the flames of forbearance….
Forbreance is a quality in my fitra/natural disposition that I had unconcious resistance towards integrating.
I asked Allah the forbearer to bare witness….
~How it was always a lie and a slander used to taint me. ~ How I choose to accept his decree in this pattern of my reality with patience.
~How in understanding that, I can now accept playing the role of being a wound on some peoples tongues. Because im grateful they weren’t destined to be a wound in my heart.
I~will~never~be~a~victim……of fragile egos & corrupt bitter hearts.
I~will~always~use~ones~marad (disease of the heart)……to build awareness & self actualise.
& there is always the bigger picture, of having yowmul xisaab (day of accountability in the after life) to say what’s up? (and there is the inner peace that slowly permeates one’s soul as they heal and realise they no longer even want to)
Every lesson comes wrapped as a dilemma, there is always a part of us waiting for conscious integration. In order for me to integrate my attribute of forbearance, Allah exposed to me situations where it was needed and I’d be consumed by a form of discomfort because I wasn’t aligned with it.
Being tested with cowards that avoid valid confrontation, was ironically mirroring back, the forbearance I left unintegrated in myself because my ego deemed it a risk to its safety.
Allah tailors the tests that come our way to build awareness. We have blind spots that he wills to unveil, so that we have sight where we once were blind.
I love when something goes full circle, now that I’ve integrated my forbearance, I choke up with raw emotion when ever I get an opportunity to use it. I realise wholeheartedly how every part of my fitra/authentic soul self is highly relevant. It frees me up to do in the situations where I apply forbearance; what my soul genuinely loves to do & that is to look on curiously at the nature of things.
Because I’m a curious soul who also believes that care is about quality. I don’t care about some things because I see no quality behind it. One of those things is the limitations cowards uphold.
The cowards on my path thus were actually blessings in disguise. If they didn’t run, lie or gaslight I wouldn’t have felt the things that I did that over time formed a pattern that jolted me awake and made me look inward.
Its only when we look inward that we can move forward and it’s only when we accept something as is, that we can truly let go.