It’s too late to apologise?

Actually not when you do it right for example…

“….I won’t ask for your forgiveness, my lack of you is my deepest illness…..” 

Jokes aside the above is an excerpt of the original poem written by the author Klaudio Marashi. I liked it not because I like to see someone suffer for a wrong they did but more so because of the remorse it shows.

It got me wondering about apologies and how what qualifies one as sincere varies from one person to another. 

I realised the apologies that most touch my soul are those that…

A) contain accountability~ so when receiving the apology I can feel the other person understands what they’ve done wrong.

B) Shows honour for me~ so when receiving I can feel my value as (insert what I am to you) reflected back to me.

c) Invokes & invites a renewal of trust through unspoken vulnerability.~ so when receiving I can see something valuable you’ve put forward.  This kind of unspoken vulnerability is felt energetically. One can simply stand there and apologise and I’ll know the above is there either in that moment or because of how things unfold. It’s vulnerable because the person has genuine intentions to do right & right their wrongs but their history taints. So though they wish they could earn your trust again, they entertain reason in any skepticism that exists as understandable.  

D) Change ~ So when receiving I can be happy knowing what happened wasn’t in vain. Perhaps the one who hurt me grew as a result. 

I have a gift in being able to grasp the essence in things and an apology where any of the above exist (the more the better) are the only apologies I feel worth allowing into my space. 

That is because such apologies take courage and character to deliver. It’s never too late to apologise because such apologies carry the gift of healing for the one you hurt and for yourself. 

I was able to discern this because I’ve accepted apologies in the past where those things that matter to me above weren’t felt or honoured by me, I wasn’t conscious of it not being. Sure things were said that can be put into categories A & B. But in essence I knew it didn’t satisfy me organically. It’s as though the person wasn’t ripe with it and in accepting the apology I kind of felt compelled to reward tangible effort. 

Which Inadvertently taught me one of the greatest lessons I’ve learnt to date and that is accepting an apology,  is a personal choice guilt or shame should have no say in. If it’s not in alignment don’t bulldoze your soul to conform.

Unconditional self love becomes fragmented when you step out side of your self to tend to presumed needs of another. That is because to embody unconditional self love you must acknowledge all of your needs.

Hence why holding space for yourself should take priority over you holding space for the one apologising. Their feelings are not your responsibility yours are, because their feelings are meant to  guide them and yours are meant to guide you. 

True Apologies are more than just sorry, they are a mark of a paradigm shift, an energetic re set, a change in vibration. It’s a mark of courage in the one giving it and also a mark of nobility for the one who accepts it

I respect this space that cultivates courage and summons nobility in people. Deal with apologies according to your values.

 

Tell the Deep I’m new

The imperfect me wants to walk and speak free. Free from the shackles of shame imposed by the jungle laws that censored my heart and soul. 

Can I start again, who but god can deny me that…..will I get it right this time, who but god can truly know that…

This world really isn’t worth a can I or will I. I just want to be in it as a tourist and a witness. Flowing in peace and meeting others along the way with it. I am not hopeless just spiritually homeless and that’s because I know it’s not home. The imperfect you can exist in an imperfect world. This is an important truth I didn’t have the luxury of knowing when it mattered most.

I’m pregnant with a future I don’t know, exiting a past I’ve out grown and living in the current through love & hope. The rest irrelevant…

Love over Fear

Lately I feel like I’ve been in another world going with the flow. A lot of intense energies bringing about a lot of purges. They keep hitting like tsunami waves. Leaving  as quickly as it came…..because ive not been fighting it. As soon as I see something coming up mid field I look within my heart and ask “what do you need?” listening lovingly to the answer it gives. There has been a lot of ‘sit down‘ & “rest for a moment” 

I mean it doesn’t even matter to me that I have to sometimes consciously look for a place to sit. All I care about is my  intent to honour what I need. So I need somewhere private, where in that moment I can just be at home with my emotions that’s fine not complicated anymore. However it wasn’t my norm,  I mostly pretty much use to treat feelings like a virus. All I want to do now is to follow my heart and honour its every need. As cliche as that sounds…..When I sit down I find it healing because whatever I feel passes through like a cool breeze on a hot summer afternoon. 

What this has done is freed up a lot of space within me. Space that resistance use to fill with false promise of safety or illusions of strength. Space that misunderstanding clogged up with restlessness and bulldozing of my own soul.

A lot of what I’ve been learning has centred around my needs it’s unbelievable.

~Awareness of my needs

~Acknowledging my needs

~Expressing my needs 

and the hardest of all…

~Honouring my needs.

There is a lot up in the air awaiting results or conclusions where my affairs are concerned I kid you not. But despite all of that, internally all I feel 80% of the time is harmony.

The current energies maybe intense but it is ushering us into a new world. I feel that strongly because for the first time in my life I’m not afraid of the unknown.  I’m on a plane of faith because only through divine grace…. in being taught what not to do, I’ve recieved the gift of knowing what to do.

Relief is contingent upon honouring your needs. Choosing to act through a base of love over fear. This choice requires that you follow a compass that points to meeting your needs before anything else.  

I use to hear a lot how we are co creators of our reality. I believe that so deeply because in every moment we make a choice through either love or fear.

Choose love, you know it’s a choice through love when it leads you to inner peace. When you act through listening to felt perception over mental noise.

The current energies are intense because this is the very lesson it’s grounding into our being. How varies for each and every one of us. It’s not just about a new beginning it’s an emotional re set. 

Breaking clean

I don’t resonate with some of the paths I’ve walked down or the conversations that took place in them.  It’s served what it came to serve and gifted me with new truths, values and ways of being. I’ve out grown the past because it’s fulfilled its duty to teach.

Be grateful if you can break clean. 

Reunion with my heart….till death do us part

When I first learnt that the language of the psyche is fear it altered how I related to and identified with my thoughts. When I learnt that the language of the emotional body is pain.  It redefined how I view and treat my feelings. It gave me understanding and a new sense of patience where before I met it with discomfort and intolerance.

I have to say I was most awestruck by being guided to understand the language of my heart. It’s been a mixture of gratitude and wonder getting to know the language it communicates to me through. I’ve always experienced it, I just didn’t know how to precieve it consciously for what it is and not knowing that meant I was also prone to not listen to it. Not unless it could blast through and silence fear and not unless it could by pass pain so that I don’t feel.

What a daunting task for my heart to over come in order to make itself heard by me. What’s truly merciful and charitable is despite this unconscious, irrational low-key subduing  task presented to it. The language of the heart was decreed in such a way that it could work with and even around someone like me.

Knowing the language of the heart is felt perception has changed my life. The second that lightbulb went on I felt ushered into a new dimension the kind that I want to stay in forever.

Through felt perception the heart manages to whisper in ways that pose competent challenges to the psyches language of fear. It also manages to soothe through ease the emotional bodies language of pain.

This is its humanitarian way of meeting the task I set for it. Through this leniency I see the vastness of love and wisdom placed in the human heart.

Through felt perception the heart communicates things that have power to melt away illusion and to provide a hoverboard of nurturing care that ensures one lands in the midst of pain whole.

It is one thing to understand that the heart has a will of its own and another to experience how that will takes form.

It may sound crazy but I think I heard my hearts voice. Not through sound but through feeling. It felt like an earnest yet assured plea and it felt like It was at a cross road of a make or break concerning me. As if it was experiencing its last chance, clinging firmly to a thinning thread of hope, wanting me to come back to it, wishing  I would.  I felt something get activated in my heart and in that moment I didn’t just feel but it was like I saw. 

I’ve been in a strange daze ever since this happened. Its like a reunion took place and I felt deeply committed. Committed to the heart that I devalued. Happy for a second chance and grateful for its immense unconditional love. 

I understand your language now and listening is as important to me as the air that I breathe. 

I’m surprised a reunion took place because I was never aware I even left.

Centered & Tempered

I don’t want to fight anymore not because I feel worn out and weak, but because deep in my heart I feel the process of it is a distraction that doesn’t serve me.  The stability I crave is in my heart already and through Allah alone I feel and experience it. I only want to ‘do’ from a grounded place of necessity not a scattered place of urge and restlessness.

I want to walk into my destiny not arrive in it with battle wounds. Looking into my heart ive found what truly bothered it, was me being in a position to fight for me. I had to pause and reflect on what that meant to me, it meant everything.

There is no feeling greater than being healed and washed by your own heart. There is no awe greater than what I felt through that feeling, other than the awe I feel for Allah

I don’t view ‘doing’ the way I use to, I can’t after all that I’ve been through. I rather retire to divine will and love. Where I receive divine wisdom that teaches me the true meaning of trust in him and all its related branches that teach trust in myself. What’s more all the fruits its tree drops, sprouting from seeds of hope, faith, reliance and love.   

What can they do to me when my stability is grounded in my heart? What power does my associative fears wish for me to lack standing in; when the decree is already written and what’s certain is I will meet it.

My ego is wounded and I see it’s need for me to tend to it like a nurse; but it’s best it dies in this tunnel too, because wanting to thrive and not survive is what I choose.

I felt afraid to be ok in the space, my heart said ‘don’t do’ just ‘be’

Ive learnt the whys about that in many ways but most trying was to embody it in the face of pressing hardship. In the turmoil is where we find and shine light, on all the blocks that stand in the way of true reliance upon the divine.

I’ve fought all my life because I couldn’t see and now that I do, I can’t believe how I fought through the mind and never my heart.

That realisation is healing for me as it presents an alternative to finessing my rights. An alternative I’ve never thought to seek. 

When you are facing hardship waiting for the ease to come from Allah, is the best worship.

In waiting you get to tend to the parts of yourself you’re accustomed to abandon. In waiting you heal and bring into balance both your feminine and masculine energy. In waiting you align with divine will & timing with pure understanding of reliance and freedom from all attachments.

The ease then creeps up on you as a breakthrough from another soul draining labyrinth. As the heart centers you, the soul tempers you. Allah is the connect that guides to make that possible. To have him is to have everything

If its signed its mine

Dont extract meaning from what others do.  Extract it from what  you do or don’t do. In that lies valuable information for you. In that you find your signature and where your signature exists, care for the story that preceded it

Every thing you ever need to know is inside of you. You are a vast vault with meaning. Don’t by pass your vault to busy yourself with others.