Category: Growth

Longing for own comfort

Don’t let longing distort your reality. It’s easy to confuse your feelings for what you are thinking… 

For example sometimes while you think you are longing for a person, a thing or a particular experience. You run the risk of missing a message carried by your feelings, that encapsulates your true reality in a moment. A reality that says what you’re longing for is actually your own comfort.

This reality matters because it’s something you can gift to yourself. It is in the spectrum of your control. 

When we don’t separate out the story from the object of our longing. The reality that what we need, being comfort gets distorted.

The need wounds up being associated with the external matter in focus. This association is what leads to our exit of the space, where the emotional intensity that requires our availability to self exists. Instead of being available we become unavailable and thus we end up trying to neutralise the intensity we feel. With initiated action that we hope would  quell the problem or issue correlated with how we feel.

So if the story is about you longing for a certain experience. You initiate actions that align with the meeting or bringing about of it. Like leaving your city even if doing so feels like the path of most resistance. 

If it’s longing for a person, than you iniate actions like reaching out to individual. Even  if you know in moment they aren’t good for you. 

This is self abandonment because you are doing everything except being emotionally available to your self. The reality of comfort being needed, gets distorted because the emotional intensity is projected outward and thus any stability regarding it is hoped for outwardly also.

When we are emotionally attuned we enter a safe space of acknowledgement that leads to the giving of the comfort that’s needed. The comfort that enters into the space where the emotional intensity is usually left unattended; can only be accessed through the adoption of self compassion. Self compassion grounds us into staying with our feelings and ultimately feeling them it’s the opposite of self neglect. 

Our own emotional availability has the power to heal the emotional intensity carried by our  inner child. That shows up fuelling the illusion behind the projections. This phenomena occurs because the inner child is seeking what we fail to give it, by other means.

When grounded in self compassion we begin to find the courage to feel our vulnerability. As doing so pulls back the projection from the external matters we think we are longing for. It is realised that the projection is the abandonment. So when the projection is retreated & exchanged for emotional attunement to self, it leads to the comfort received by our inner child that’s in need of it most.

This is the result of the unravelling of the distortions that disperses the unconscious confusion holding it in place and reveals in its stead the truth. Truth that ineveitably leads to the creation of well needed boundaries for the mind to learn and adhere to. The kind of boundaries that block out looping intrusive disempowering thoughts. That usually tell us we’re unsafe thus feelings of being insecure, about where we are in a moment ensue. This is where the inner child needs our adult self and when abandoned over and over again, it seeks safety through the ego patterns that are set up to intend to protect it.

We aren’t unsafe because we don’t feel safe. If we don’t feel safe, it’s a sign there is room for healing and that’s ok. 

“What’s important is to learn how to heal the intensity of longing that is the result of a childhood attachment injury, where you did not feel seen, heard or understood in your family system.” Alan Robarge 

I feel that although people heal in different ways. In order for healing to take place most efficiently. It should be considered that feeling safe is about being able to truly embody what’s coming.

When I believe Allah is conspiring in my favour. I feel safe because I’m able to realise my soul that has the ability and substance to embody what’s coming. As opposed to my ego consciousness that wants to take control of the chaos it percieves about what’s coming, because safety is in the ‘accomplishment’ of that. Of one being in control of ominous realities/incoming chaos, imagined or not.

Realisation of the soul is the true meaning of being in our divinity. When we are in our divinity we feel safe, because we are anchored to a power greater than us. That understands why we are where we are & why we do the things we do. 

We come to understand that the opposite of chaos is not control it’s fundamentally, trust. In this case self trust that our emotional availability for our own selves is enough to lead us to the whole truth about what’s amiss within. 

 

Truth & Acceptance

If there is love in your heart and a lot going on in your life that hurts, than there is just love in your heart and a lot going on…. Don’t try and extinguish what’s in your heart, to exercise a false sense of control over whats going on in your life.

Love being in your heart in spite of, is in itself a truth that when micromanaged or compartmentalised in any way, through  edits of resistance from ones ego consciousness suffering can ensue.

Suffering ends when we become real with our truths. To re align find the rejected or resisted truth. 

 

 

Love & it’s Acceptance

Love is a state of being that beams no matter what your head space is spewing in a moment due to some pain or grief.

When it’s true it just is, without any conditions regulating its state. 

The greatest gift love comes to give is its willingness to collude with our soul. To teach us, that on the sometimes painstaking journey to wholeness. Only through the acceptance of the presence of its beam will we make it unfragmented. That this can be achieved and to truly self actualise, the heart can not be blocked, or it’s truth repressed  because ones ego consciousness doesn’t know how or even want to make space for it. 

We can leave alone the love that’s there and still erect healthy boundaries. We can leave alone the love that’s there and not abandon ourselves.  

Truly the ultimate test of true love is about shining a light on our potential to let love flow, in spite of all that calls us to deny and resist its existence. It’s about healing the obstacles in the way of this. As the obstacles are also the same ones that block our route to wholeness.

If there is love in your heart and a lot going on in your life that hurts, than there is just love in your heart and a lot going on. This in itself is a truth that when micromanaged or compartmentalised in anyway, with edits of resistance from ego, suffering can ensue. 

Suffering ends when we become real with our truths and the truth here is that a state of love in our heart, should be acknowledged and prioritised because it’s our state of being in a moment.

 I use to think it’s the business of the one it’s felt for too. This thinking was the battlefield my ego won on so many rounds because when I love you and you hurt me, when I love you and im feeling neglected. I suffer the results of the warped perception, that my love is also the responsibility of the external factors it relates to.

My inability to get rid of the love in my heart, (because I saw it as a part of another who through my perception didn’t do right by it) was percieved as defeat. To leave it alone was to me validation of the experience that bought me to the internal conflict in the first place.  My ego wanted me to wrap up my feelings and throw it away and my soul wanted me to embrace it unconditionally. To not fight the current of what is, but rather to flow with it. 

When love beams through you it’s a state of being that engulfs you. You can resist it and suffer or let it be and realise that you don’t have to share what’s within, by default that it is within.  

You can can take inventory of all that seeks out what’s in your inner world and let your hearts resonance decide if its worthy of a response.

I’m learning through my soul, that to hold space for the love in my heart, is to not be emotionally unavailable to myself. But rather to be available unconditionally.

Who would of thought that the door to liberation in this matter, was the very one I closed because I perceived it to be entrapment. 

Trapped in vulnerability 

Trapped in fear 

Trapped by a perception that did not really see me.

Only Allah can take away the illusions that entrap us and put in its place his grace that guides & empowers us.

When love is percieved as your business you become the captain of your ship. Sailing through the storms of life in the direction of what fulfils you. Protecting your essence, your gold because it’s of value & more importantly understanding what it truly means to value what’s yours first and foremost yourself.  

 

 

Fulfilment & Wholeness

Forgiveness soothes the heart and acts as a barrier that keeps out the fire of resentment. It aligns one to stand with their authentic power, instead of comfort that deceives them from the realisation that they aren’t standing in it or worse have actually given it away.

Forgiveness is to give up the hope that the past could be any different and in managing that, we come to understand the present is all that we have and all that we need. To ensure a future, that encompasses the difference that was hoped for.

They say Forgiveness is to set free a prisoner only to find out that the prisoner was yourself. A prisoner, imprisoned from aligning with their truth. The kind of truth that swooshes past like a warm summer breeze. That whispers in spite of all that hurt you….. there is a part of your heart that remains pure (unblocked), that it is guarded by a part of you that wants to be acknowledged without shame or resistance. 

Only when we do acknowledge it, can we begin to finally heal and be free. Free from our own self judgment that has kept out the loving presence & truth of our soul. 

     ~~~~~~Reflection~~~~~~

After forgiveness, I found disappointment that left me sometimes feeling dejected & sometimes displaced. Some days ok…some days not so.

I prayed, asking Allah to reveal whats of benefit to me. To guide me to the root of what causes me re occurring imbalances and I realised  the feeling of disappointment that plagues my heart, carries a message asking me to acknowledge my truth unconditionally. 

And my authentic truth is that I don’t feel fulfilled. It’s like with this realisation came the death of what once was and the birth of a new adventure. That I don’t feel afraid of embarking upon.

Fulfilment is a gift no one can give you but yourself.  It requires the courage to not settle for anything less than what you know in your heart you deserve and prefer. The gps towards our  fulfilment is planted in the heart. The directions towards it are heard as intuition. 

Disappointment hurts because it is easy for the ego to infiltrate the space it squats in and take us down valleys of blame and judgment. Such valleys aren’t fulfilling when at times the ones we  judge and blame, we also love. (This includes ourselves) our emotional body will always reject falsehood with more feelings of discomfort. Truth settles in the heart, like a gentle swaying leaf lands where Allah willed for it to land. It doesn’t disturb through suffering, it just makes itself known.

We always have a choice to choose our stories, one of my biggest mistakes was to hope for those who I believe cared for me, write one worthy of me. In the parts where they were concerned or involved .

Until one day I realised not everyone who knows your worth also values it and quite often than not, it’s not even intentional not to. There could be distractions that ultimately have nothing to do with you. 

And perhaps that is one of life’s most difficult lessons, that Allah wishes to teach us. I.e Even though our expectations carry some proof of knowledge of our own self worth (as seen through what we expect that we feel is good for us). It also carries proof that we don’t value that good enough ourselves. Enough to give it to our selves, instead of waiting for it from others who either don’t care, or do but are distracted in myriad of ways.

Seeking what fulfils you reminds you to not settle. It is the bedrock of self love because it doesn’t allow you to unconsciously hand over your power by operating from a lack based mentality. A mentality that entraps you in a story where your fulfilment is absent and waited on, for it to be opted in, by others.  

I was guided to transmute the feeling of disappointment, into the authentic truth that I was witnessing unfulfilment. This simple mind shift empowers because it lies the onus of responsibility at your feet. 

Through it we can seek what fulfils us by moving away from what doesn’t first and foremost. The reoccurring imbalances end by one’s moving away from what doesn’t serve them, because what plagues the heart in grief, is given ample room to be healed and what doesn’t serve is always a clue as to what doesn’t fulfil.  

Staying in a vibration of disappointment leads to low vibrational feelings of sadness that the ego steers towards blame and judgment even towards your own self. 

When we acknowledge the deeper truth that a matter isn’t fulfilling. We land in our soul space that has been ready to take responsibility, for our lack of feeling un fulfilled. We align with our soul truth that wants to take us towards the paths that align with our fulfilment. 

If seeking fulfilment empowers, then it is because we are on the right track. It is because we aren’t giving away our power on the journey. It is because we aren’t choosing to let disappointment become our tent or our story.

It is because we are acknowledging our authentic reality, that this matter, this thing, this treatment, this place, this relationship, this job, this thought, this person or this plan, the way all this, currently is…Isn’t fulfilling me, something is missing and that matters. 

Deciding it matters is the essence of stamping value on your hearts resonance. On your needs which ultimately are you. When what matters is realised, so is it’s value. When value is truly acknowledged, your perception and how you move shift.

This spiral of clarity upwards leads to wholeness. If  the destination is wholeness, aligning with what fulfils you is the only way to get there. All other roads are mirages, illusions and ultimately dead ends.

Only you know what fulfils you, don’t deceive yourself. In life if we aren’t shifting due to the truth, we are looping due to unintentional self deception. 

The Void & Value

When you remember and put value on your heart, your needs, feelings, dreams and contentment. You become clear on what you need to do in every thing that concerns you. By value I mean real potent importance. Our Free will chooses the paths we walk on in life and that is all it is there for and meant to do.

How those paths unfold, whether good for you or not, depends on whether or not the path you chose was a path that presented most or least resistance for you and that can only be determined by how the path feels. In the end all that is in ones control is the opportunity (if they take it) to ascertain one simple truth. Is the path im choosing a path chosen out of self love or is it chosen through some subconscious conditioning that aligns me with sacrifice of my wellbeing that I’m not aware of, yet under the effect of.  This matters because it can indicate the reality that may await us on those paths. Realities that are either conducive to what’s in accordance with our highest good or not.

With this perspective comes the understanding that we really are co creators of our reality. I feel grateful to know that in my own volition, lies a power that can govern me with contentment. I don’t feel afraid to choose my paths,  out of fear of what I may meet along the way anymore. I dont feel afraid because in its stead, I feel safeguarded knowing I chose out of self love and when I don’t for what ever reason, I’ll still feel safe because I can take precautions rather than feel blindsided by any harms experienced. 

We fear the void more often than not because we stumble across it unprepared and without direction. How did we get here, what shall I do here, are the kind of thoughts that can consume our mind and affect our energy (how we show up)

We find anxiety and hyper vigilance as companions instead of self trust and patience. Self trust that grants us the clarity that this too shall pass inshallah, so don’t lose hope in the path you’ve taken because suddenly (and who knows perhaps even momentarily) you saw nothing in the void, that reassures you that you’re ok that you’re safe. With out the reassurance we become afraid and expect or think the worst in the void. We don’t think to neutralise our scattered energy with unconditional self love that recognises the part of us in the moment that is in need of reassurance, doesn’t require it from external factors, but rather from deep within our own selves.

It needs to be fed the hope, it’s trying to outsource from the external by you yourself. It needs you to give it a compassionate narrative that stems from self love, like ‘we used our free will through self love and the void we are in now is a place where we can find Allahs company….Allah who is always there for the vulnerable, like a host ready to feed its guest all that will increase them with more hope and faith. With the remembrance of Allah hearts do find rest because through his remembrance we are nourished and replenished. The void is an abundant space only when Allah is remembered in it.

This verse from the Quran 2:30 just came to mind as I was contemplating what I said above…

”Remember (when) your Lord said to the angels: “I am setting on the earth a vicegerent. ” The angels asked: “Will you set therein one who will cause mischief in the land and shed blood? while we glorify you with your praise and sanctify your holy name?  He said: “Surely I know that which you do not know.”

What he “knows” instils confidence & faith in the heart because it stirs it to look beyond the circumstances that hinder it from the above and into the way of goodness inherent in the heart of man. Goodness that can be accessed through transcendence of one’s limitations, goodness that  is representative of the potential and value of man.  What Allah knows instils confidence because it aligns those who understand, with the divine value bestowed upon them.  

The status of vicegerent in essence is symbolic of mankinds value. It’s a lofty position where one is only second to Allah the most loving, the all mighty the one true sovereign.  So when ever we find ourselves to have shifted from it (our value) in our own personal lives, in ways where we’ve settled for positions and circumstances not reflective of our value and for what ever reason. It is simply because we are not in conscious awareness of what Allah confidently knows I.e our value that he himself bestowed. I find it amazing that this verse was inspired for me to remember along with this understanding in one flow. So I write as I process in different ways…the connection between our free will, the space of the void and our inherent value as human beings.

I feel Allah measures us and sees us not through a black and white lens, but rather through the grey areas where he holds space for us because he deems us through his love as worthy of it. I feel he does this so those of us who reflect (and in doing so receive his grace) can learn to do that and believe that ourselves. Seeing us in the grey is to see us in our holistic form which is what unconditional self love calls us to do also. 

When we learn to hold space for ourselves in the most challenging of life’s stations like in the abyss of the void. We find that once feared ominous space, transmuted into a guest room in the palace of the most merciful. 

Our free will and how we choose to use it determines how we journey through the paths that unfold in our lives. Either hitting the ground running when we face obstacles or hitting it and walking with the flow. We are either anxious or steady, and operating through fear or love. We are either cut off from our value or cognisant of it. 

Bitter Truths

I didn’t realise how painful my truth could be until I stopped resisting a crucial one that told me I wasn’t at peace.

I was astonished by how easily my non peace then transmuted into peace, by simply embracing that truth and not resisting it.

I didnt consciously experience true surrender until I emptied out my heart to Allah and the words “I refuse..” came out as I did, only to suddenly see it intercepted with the realisation that I couldn’t refuse what is and so I didn’t and there it was….the light liberating feeling of surrender. Enveloping me with the peace that was blocked out,  by the mental position I was unconciously guarding in matter.

Some days later the transcendence above, ushered me into a new time line where I found & discovered myself carrying a profound truth. One where I knew I loved certain people, whose behaviour I was not enthusiastic about. There is no either or, both state of beings encapsulated my true feelings and that is OK. Yet very telling..

I thought my lack of enthusiasm was a form of judgement at first so I resisted that to, like a void in my heart respect would have otherwise filled. I felt that If I could give meaning to how I felt about another’s behaviour that I wasn’t enthusiastic about, then how I felt would be valid. But how I feel is valid even if my mind has not grasped its reasons fully yet & it can’t until I feed it this new awareness to file in its archive, because the old one was programmed to not register how I feel. 

It’s  not my task to find meaning in what another does it’s my task to discern what it means to me and why, that’s the meaning that matters.  What does it teach me? What can I transcend through it etc

In acceptance & understanding of this, I found a world of clarity behind the lack of enthusiasm I felt because it didn’t mask the love I feel for the other, nor does it wrestle or compete with it. (Unless ego enters equation) All of it just is, Inner turmoil is a result of being pulled apart at the seams of your truth and true harmony is established in the abence of the fragmentation of any part of you. 

This was a truth I struggled to give a home to, a truth i resisted until i had to face the incongruency inside me, that was not willing to give resistance, a home in its place. It was a truth I was consciously embracing holistically.

I may love a person for who they are holistically but my security and wellbeing is my responsibility, to give myself and to maintain in a space that doesn’t hinder how I thrive in doing that in any way. So if you behave in ways that don’t honour or take into considerations my needs as a human being. I have to believe not resist what I feel because the only closure I need is the one I discern for myself. Uninfluenced by my egos judgment of ones actions and unaffected by others lack of understanding towards my discernment itself.

What one needs, respects, holds space for, or resonates with, are all matters dictated by ones  values and heart not intellectualisation of affairs and conditioned mental positions. When you can’t accept your truth, resentment flourishes through blame or judgment and people judge because they are either not standing in their power or are giving it away. In this case their power that would accept what is. 

Bitter truths aren’t the enemy they are  gateways to making informed decisions about what you should sacrifice or prioritise. Your wellbeing shouldn’t be up for negotiation in the former, ever.

I think this is what Maya Angelou meant by “When someone shows you who they are believe them”

Inability to do so, is a result of resistance towards a bitter truth and it’s that resistance that fragments an individual depriving them of inner harmony. There is a conflict within that occurs, that can only be neutralised and stabilised through unconditional commitment to how one feels. 

 

Spiritual Irony

“The very people that help you with your greatest expansions, are also the very ones that you use, as your excuse not to go there.” Abraham Hicks

When you ‘go there’ you find that your power lies not in what you wish to prove or defend, but in what you know you don’t have to.

Confidence is acceptance of vulnerability. For any vulnerability you allow your self to feel, transmutes into the gift of invulnerability that introduces you, to the real you.   

CEO of my Wellbeing

To protect your space (wellbeing) you must first cultivate awareness about what invades it. Then step into your power to embrace it. 

When you don’t you fragment yourself and vital energy that you need to thrive ends up depleted. 

What’s worse you may not even know why you’re frustrated in a moment. Because without awareness your mind is left in the dark intercepted by the ego/false self. That is scrambling for judgment or blame via complaints, because it has to make interpretations that suit its motivation for survival about your experience in some way.

A lot of the time we are aware of major things that affect our wellbeing. Hence why people have boundaries regarding them.

I’ve found the little things we tolerate however  are more consistent and therefore are prone to  yield more frequent invasions of our space.  Reason dictates it should have more attention because it’s through them that the cracks appear (waiting to be seen) in the first place. 

For example it may be easy for someone to  distance themselves from someone who lied to them because honesty is a boundary connected to their values (for obvious reasons) 

What falls through the cracks however, is the truth that, that same person may not have boundaries against energies that don’t uphold their boundary for honesty. So they are akin to tolerate vagueness, lack of transparency and in essence booky/shady behaviour. All of which clearly clog up the stream,their wellbeing is meant to flow through and to (them) in.

This tolerance is an unconscious choice because it’s as though they don’t give themselves the permission to protect themselves; because based on their subconscious beliefs they haven’t caught person out on a lie yet so what they feel otherwise becomes irrelevant. 

What’s worthy to note here is the thought process of doubt that says ‘nothing really happened’ i.e proof of being lied to hasn’t manifested. Is how the ego false self evaluates the external circumstance, to ultimately divert one away from the truth that something is happening inside…..the false self isn’t motivated towards ones wholeness just their survival. 

So ‘nothing happened’  actually means, nothing that upholds the energy of honesty is around you through this person or circumstance & your guidance system (feelings) is telling you via your soul “I don’t need this” “i dont want to engage with this” “this isn’t good for me” 

So in effect something IS happening and it’s something not conducive to your wellbeing, because you ain’t ok with certain energies when it comes around you and that matters. 

Cement the cracks with your truth of that, not debate it because there isn’t yet a fact. Close what invades your space with unconditional commitment to how you feel. Not leave it open because your feelings on their own are deemed unreliable by you yourself or anyone else. 

No one is responsible for your wellbeing but you. That’s why i feel its best to choose resonation over compromise. The former carries no confusion and the latter in this context is akin to the worst connotations that stem from the notion of settlement.

Compromising with energies that don’t uphold the energies that support a boundary is the pathway to getting stuck in comfortable limitations. Which in reality leaves you uncomfortable because it carries the illusion of protection from a set back or loss. In my case fear of getting something wrong were the kind of set backs I’d avoid like the plague. 

What I realised a while ago,is the subtle truth that as the CEO of my life, I’m good with not getting the protection of my wellbeing wrong.

Thats the priority that if & when met, takes care of everything I need. Security comes from within. To give it to our ownselves and not look for it in others behaviours is the pinnacle of being responsible. 

Checkmate

I couldn’t truly love myself not until I realised & accepted the true reason behind why I was afraid to.

I find serenity in the type of melancholy that accompanies this realisation and around this sudden charge of courage I feel, that wants to go ahead….

Go ahead and love myself in spite of the subconscious fears that have sabotaged and unconsciously shut me off. Go ahead and love myself inspite and in awareness of those fears that promise me loss.

To Switch up on all that switched you off, trust the process of what divine love turns a light towards…trust the wisdom behind divine will that intends that light to become yours. 

 

Out of sight~Not out of Heart

I realised I’ve lived most of my life either hitting the ground running. Or enduring insane neglect whilst not even being conscious I was. It’s as though that part of me, that desperately needed to be nurtured kept dying a thousand deaths. Yet I let it because my mind would divert me away, from my heart where the want was stored.

I kept getting flash backs today of my second child’s birth & and a doctor consultant who’s name I don’t recall. Yet his words echoed through my soul. It was one of the most loving things I saw & heard.

The following verse in the Quran about maryam/Mary mother of isa/Jesus, always held a special place in my heart.

“So she conceived him, and she withdrew with him to a remote place. And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm tree. She said, “Oh, I wish I had died before this and was in oblivion, forgotten.” (Quran 19:22-23)

Every time I read this I felt a pull from my soul that overwhelmed me with emotions I couldn’t tap into. It was trapped repressed emotions, I know now to be related to the trauma of my own birthing experience. That I wasn’t fully equipped to emotionally hold space for.

It was 4pm when I realised I was in labour and not dealing with braxton hicks. I think I have low tolerance towards internal physical pain, because contractions for me felt like death.

I was so scared when one was approaching and so so grateful my brother was there. To  use initiative in a way that blocked, the brunt of the pain from reaching me.

As one approached he would place his hand on my lower back & with distinct circular motion, rub it till the pain subsided.

It was so cathartic for me, the only thing that worked. By 5pm my brother and his wife drove me to the hospital….I was happy they were there as my husband was abroad when I went into labour. Sad he couldn’t be there but being  true to my motto of it is what it is. I hated seeing him grieve and refused to add to it or be a source of it. 

That was me that person that holds it down not liking to see others suffer especially when a matter is out of their hands. He was abroad and got ill and all I wanted was to give birth and go back to take care of him. To nurse him back to his physical strength. Holding space for his dream to build me a home, mainly so he could carry hope that he could.

Upon arrival to hospital I wanted my brother and his (than fiancé) to stay with me. Staff put me through to an antenatal ward and said that I couldn’t have visitors there. I declared I was in labour and they said not yet. Confused by this I asked how do you determine that?

Apparently because my contractions weren’t mins or seconds close together I was considered to not be in active labour. I told them to read my file and look at my history. The text book rule didn’t  apply to me as my body reacts to labour in strange ways. (I ended up with an emergency c-section with my first born. Because I was not considered to be in active labour and babies heart beat began to drop rapidly.)

They say history repeats itself but that adage should come with  an admonition that it’s often worse.

The staff said they will check my file and move me to labour ward later. For for now I needed to go to the antenatal ward where visitors weren’t allowed.

Sad to see my brother and his wife go I was escorted alone to an empty bed near a window. My contractions were coming in every 6 mins at this point, and when one hit I would cry in fetal position feeling exposed and alone. I failed to rub my own back like my brother was.

I would miss my husbands calls, because I needed the minutes before the next contraction hit, to gather my strength. 

No midwife came to check on me or offer pain relief. I felt abandoned and began to do what I was accustomed to. Go and fend for myself…

Made my way to hospital lobby and asked for pain relief. Reiterated vulnerably that I couldn’t handle the pain.  I felt tortured, it was worse than my first experience and something didn’t feel right.

The midwife brushed me off with promises of someone will come see me soon.

So I began to explore the hospital as walking kept my mind active. Every few mins I would pause in the hall way, praying & firming out the contractions.

I stumbled across some room full of big bath tubs and hoped a warm bath would help.

It was a mistake, although water felt good when contractions hit I was seated in a way that didn’t help me protect my abomen and pelvis.

At this point I felt numb and in shock, sat there staring at the tiles. As contractions came and left, I no longer had the strength or will to try and protect myself. My body caved in.

Thats why that verse about Mary meant something to me. The bathtub was my palm tree. The repressed memory of this trauma was was calling out through verse so I can remember feel and release. I thought exactly what she did, ‘If only I were dead and forgotten’

40 mins later I felt my son kick and I remembered this baby is a survivor. He was telling me to hold on.

I remembered how I found out I was pregnant. The hardship and terror in event leading to it that is too surreal for me to share in this post. What mattered was that single kick helped me to remember inside me was a miracle I should fight for. 

So I got myself out of the water with  contractions now hitting 2 mins apart.

In complete agony I walked back to the ward. When I made it back to my bed, I saw bedsheets changed and entertained falling asleep. I couldn’t with the contractions as alarm clocks, who could…

The midwife came and decided to move me to labour ward. It was 5am when I got there I saw the woman in bed opposite me being hugged by her husband.

I pulled my curtain closed as tears fell from my eyes. What was strange was it was tears of & due to compassion not jealousy.

I saw the gas & air machine near another woman’s bed so called the midwife to ask for one. She said one will be bought shortly.

I waited and it didn’t come. I didn’t make a fuss as I was distracted by looking for my phone. It was missing and I desperately wanted to talk to my husband.

Was told it couldn’t be found, I don’t know what happened next, but my intuition said my phone was with the bedsheets that were removed from previous bed.

I told a midwife this and she didn’t really absorb it. So I got up and made my way back to previous ward. I saw 5 trolleys full of bedsheets and stood there staring, depressed at the thought that no one would check through this for me. I didn’t seem to matter.

If only I could make it easier for someone to give a damn. Suddenly my intuition came in and chose trolley number 3. When midwives saw me standing there I said “my phone is in that trolley, it got wrapped in the bed sheets I need it to call my husband please”

Passing my intuition as a fact seemed to work but it was divine mercy, that made a reluctant midwife reach inside the trolley and pull a random sheet. That happened to have my phone fall out from it.

The first real sheet she grabbed hold of was the right one. It was now morning  and my family came to the hospital. Around 11am  I was finally given gas & air. It did such a wonderful job I was angry it took so long to receive it. I only had it for an hour as I was now ready to give birth.

The most undignified yet beautiful experience in the world (I’ll save you from those details). I kept pushing but my son would get stuck in the birthing canal.

A few attempts and his heart beat began to drop. I was given the options of either forcep delivery or c-section. When I saw the harsh hands of the midwife, I was filled with mis trust. My intuition was flying with red flags and I became paranoid my baby would end up with brain damage as she yanked him out.

C-section was a risk for me not my child, forcep the opposite. So I chose c-section having had it before and it went ok.

With the contractions ripping through my body they rushed me to surgery. Put me on this uncomfortable tiny narrow slab they called a table. I was afraid of falling as my body couldn’t stop shaking.

They needed to put an epidural injection in my spine so c-section could commence. But I couldn’t stop the push urges the labour was naturally bringing on.

My body went into shock a second time and I began shaking profusely. Yet they still wanted to attempt the epidural? The shock rendered me silent and I prayed in my head for help. I wanted to speak but physically couldn’t. 

That’s when the consultant walked in, the one who’s name I don’t know, but I will never EVER forget him or his voice.

He was the only one who SAW me, who read me energetically. One look and his professionalism went out the window. As true humanity took over from formality.  With 5 frantic professionals huddled around me.  

He said “What the fk? She is in DISTRESS! She is in shock, knock her out there is no time for an epidural“

That was the only moment I felt nurtured during that experience. He saw me and in doing so saw my needs.

When my body went into shock it was divine wisdom trying to give the other docs and midwives a clue. My mouth failed me in speaking due to the extruciating pain.

That taught me something vital about the language of the human body and the intelligence behind its creation.  The only person who understood was that consultant.

I was put to sleep and woke up with a healthy. Beautiful baby boy. Saw my brother Zak holding him dressed and cleaned by my mum.

I asked “did you lot make sure a switch wasn’t made as I never saw what came out”

Every one laughed but I knew he was mine, when I saw my husband staring back at me. Having been awoke now for 6 mins I heard phone ringing and it was my husband.

He seemed frantic as phone was put on silent and he couldn’t get through for hours. “Habibti” he said with a relief filled tone, habibti means my beloved.

Followed by a “What happened to your phone!” Interrupted by my calm tone that showed him we are here now. “How are you how are you feeling?” He asked to which I replied “I went to hell and back but survived. Alhamdulilaah all is well, it’s a boy”

I will never forget his reaction I could see him in my minds eye smiling as he said “a boy? Mashallah” he quickly informed his mates that were around him “She had a boy!” I could feel his relief and pride that the storm was over and was just glad to share the news. 

Knowing he named our first born and I had dibs on naming the second. In the most cutest negotiable way I’ve ever seen, he vulnerably said

“Name him abdirahman”

I wanted to make a case but I was more intrigued by his firm vulnerable energy. So instead I asked why that name and he said 

“Because it’s meaning is in homage to gods name of the most merciful and with everything these past couple of months, I swear it nothing but his mercy got me through. I know what we agreed…”

I cut him off and replied “It’s ok Abdirahman it is” Intuitively something told me to accept lovingly. I’m so glad I did. 

24 hours after our sons birth my husband passed away, having just entered his late 20s.

My heart broke, no one saw that coming. When I recieved the news I was still in the hospital healing from surgery.  What was strange was minutes after hearing huge slumber came over me. I fell asleep and had a dream where I was running looking for him. Still dressed in my hospital gown with name tag on wrist.

When I finally found him he was seated in a chair. I called out his name and his eyes revealed to me how tranquil he felt to see me. He couldn’t speak so reached out his hand and pulled me close, seating me on his lap. There were tears in his eyes and my energy felt like home to him. So I hugged him to give him comfort. As soon as I rested on his shoulder I felt a shift in his body, his eyes began to close. While mine remained open suddenly looking up above. The dream faded out as I now saw us from above seated in that chair.

The miracles in this dream were many I’ve left out, but the most distinct for me that by passed my skepticism was the clothes he was wearing. I found out later it was the exact clothes he had on when he died hours earlier. I had no way of knowing that. His friends described the exact outfit I saw in my dream which showed me my inner knowing, that said his soul waited to say good bye was true.

I felt that’s why my reaction to the news of his death was to fall asleep. My soul was being called by his to come and say good bye.

That dream was my closure, meeting him on the astral plane was the ease in the hardship. Ever since that day I’ve been on a journey away from myself and now back to myself.

That baby boy I had not only looks like him as a reminder for me, every time he smiles. But his father is imprinted in him energetically. 

Abdirahman has a healing touch, when ever I hold him I feel cleansed from the inside out. I’ve only noticed this consciously this year.

I wanted a sibling for his brother specifically a brother, because I hoped they could be friends riding life side by side when they are older.

And every day as I get to watch them grow. I watch extra hard for their father. Most reactions I give them, for most of what they do or don’t do, the first is mine…the second what I feel would have been his…

In transcending my internal beliefs that said strong people like me should just get on with things. I’ve realised the shadow side of this was a vengeful monster, that was deprived of my own love & nurture. 

Going back to re visit the trauma behind all of this…. led me to acknowledg not only my desire to be embraced and be ok with wanting to be…. But also to not to fixate on the pain of neglect, I fear from it. In transmuting beliefs that told me I couldn’t trust others to nurture me….I know now that I can and they could…they should because I matter.

I use to hit the ground running, but now I want to find solace in simply standing on it, Recieving…