I don’t want to fight anymore not because I feel worn out and weak, but because deep in my heart I feel the process of it is a distraction that doesn’t serve me. The stability I crave is in my heart already and through Allah alone I feel and experience it. I only want to ‘do’ from a grounded place of necessity not a scattered place of urge and restlessness.
I want to walk into my destiny not arrive in it with battle wounds. Looking into my heart ive found what truly bothered it, was me being in a position to fight for me. I had to pause and reflect on what that meant to me, it meant everything.
There is no feeling greater than being healed and washed by your own heart. There is no awe greater than what I felt through that feeling, other than the awe I feel for Allah.
I don’t view ‘doing’ the way I use to, I can’t after all that I’ve been through. I rather retire to divine will and love. Where I receive divine wisdom that teaches me the true meaning of trust in him and all its related branches that teach trust in myself. What’s more all the fruits its tree drops, sprouting from seeds of hope, faith, reliance and love.
What can they do to me when my stability is grounded in my heart? What power does my associative fears wish for me to lack standing in; when the decree is already written and what’s certain is I will meet it.
My ego is wounded and I see it’s need for me to tend to it like a nurse; but it’s best it dies in this tunnel too, because wanting to thrive and not survive is what I choose.
I felt afraid to be ok in the space, my heart said ‘don’t do’ just ‘be’
Ive learnt the whys about that in many ways but most trying was to embody it in the face of pressing hardship. In the turmoil is where we find and shine light, on all the blocks that stand in the way of true reliance upon the divine.
I’ve fought all my life because I couldn’t see and now that I do, I can’t believe how I fought through the mind and never my heart.
That realisation is healing for me as it presents an alternative to finessing my rights. An alternative I’ve never thought to seek.
When you are facing hardship waiting for the ease to come from Allah, is the best worship.
In waiting you get to tend to the parts of yourself you’re accustomed to abandon. In waiting you heal and bring into balance both your feminine and masculine energy. In waiting you align with divine will & timing with pure understanding of reliance and freedom from all attachments.
The ease then creeps up on you as a breakthrough from another soul draining labyrinth. As the heart centers you, the soul tempers you. Allah is the connect that guides to make that possible. To have him is to have everything.