Being authentic becomes somewhat easier to practice when the soul connects you with your heart, that whispers practice authenticity unapologetically. Yes I’ve read or seen in many places the statement “unapologetically be yourself” but we all have our own ways for when and how something resonates deeply with us.
Being unapologetically myself for me meant trusting my strengths not doubting them and having compassion for my shortcomings not treating them as weaknesses. The heart granting permission is a sense of reassurance against any wobbles on the path. As if the wobble is expected but the heart is saying keep at it anyway.
Being unapologetically myself doesn’t mean I can never do something that won’t require an apology on mere grounds of I did it being myself, therefore it’s alright and to hell with anyone who says or thinks otherwise. No It means acknowledging that I’m not perfect. Thus finding a home in self love and not shame for my mistakes, is what ultimately assists my ability to show up authentic, unapologetically.
I find that I flow better with people who can see me in both my dark and light moments.
I find that I flow best when I don’t have to censor myself to protect sensitivities that aren’t mine. I flow better because censorship clogs my flow. Being authentic for me is trusting that my care and love is enough as carried by my potential. To censor indicates otherwise no wonder why I felt uneasy over extending or censoring parts of me.
Im discovering the nature of my soul through all that it is ok with, that I do or don’t do. Inner peace is my compass love is my food. Hope is my drink when doubt dehydrates me.
I am all of me unapologetically. I want to flow free like water and my soul is the only boat that can do that.
Goodbye to censorship, burdens and fear of mistakes. Hello to trust that I am enough.
If fumbling feels like inefficiency, it’s ok because you can’t walk adequately in the dark anyway. If walking straight is what you associate strength and competency with, then through reason only hold yourself to that expectation when you’ve stepped into your light. To do it you need it.
To fumble in the dark is to know you are not home but have a desire to get there. When you can’t see, you are likely to fumble as you walk. If you’re walking because you know in your heart, Allah put you on that path because it leads home. Then Fumbling about isnt in vain it throws off what’s not from you. The fumble in the dark is what leads to connection with your soul. Its how you pass through the dark into your light. Feel the clumsiness in not knowing where you are or what you are doing. Feel the doubts that say you are on the wrong path. Feel the fear of ending up somewhere that may break your heart.
Feel and don’t abandon any part of you in the dark. When you fumble you are likely to make discoveries. Likely to fall upon things you didn’t reach aim for but are grateful for.
Feeling in the dark is experiencing the vulnerability that connects you with Allah. You fumble but find you are touched by the things you need. The things he knows you need.
Fumbling in the dark is Allah polishing you. Its letting that help reach you because you aren’t resisting pain.
Allah doesn’t abandon us he merely asks we don’t abandon ourselves in the dark.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate” ~Carl Jung
“Your truth is a torch that will light the way through darkness. It is a vehicle that will carry you, and a shield that shall protect you. Following your truth is paramount to discovering your true self and all the risq/provisions Allah created you with. Never mistake who you are with how you were.”
I wrote the above in my blog in an entry July last year Here I came across it tonight and the words “your truth is a torch that will light the way through darkness” is something I can’t believe I said. Its a huge synchronicity for me. What’s crazy is how in the post itself I spoke about synchronicity!
I feel so emotional it’s unreal. Today has been the only day in the past month where I’ve felt truly alive, enveloped with inner peace without disruption in the flow of my wellbeing. The unconscious matter I made conscious with Allah’s grace, was in relation to how and why my fixation with pain occurs. In avoidance of the things I desire, I couldn’t project safety in uncertainty. I was deathly afraid to. I’ve unconsciously associated stupidity and shame with my hearts will. Thus connecting me to a devastating cycle where I’m blindsided by the very pain I aimed to protect my heart from leading me to.
I find myself in a pit of grief that felt familiar. I felt in my heart constractions that seemed like I’m about to be swallowed up. I found Allah’s love through dua and my souls voice that said hold on, don’t fight surrender, you’re ok your are safe. The evolution of my consciousness has not felt this deep in so long. I saw the hamster wheel for what it was. A prison that wills to keep me locked in fixation of the very pain I wished to avoid. I saw the illusions behind why I couldn’t project safety in the face of uncertainty. It left my soul and ego in a tug of war pulling me into matrixes of hope vs hopelessness. To hand me control and to keep me away from it respectively.
I smiled tonight when i saw this scene in Eastenders (that sign on the bus stop) was a synchronicity itself.
We don’t fear uncertainty we fear what we project into its place. To make concious those fears allows healing, healing brings love that projects safety into the space of uncertainty through hope. Love is the hearts will, it’s what Allah guides you to when you surrender.
He is the only one I could project safety on. The heart is an arrow that needs aim to land true. In his hand it’s safe. He can flip it in what ever directions he wills.
“She transforms her own dark into her own light. She sees her private shadows – and loves them. She meets her emotional depths – and owns it. She faces private fears of separation – and rises above the illusion. She is the source of her Self and she is always in a state of greater becoming.” ~Molly McCord, The Modern Heroine’s Journey of Consciousness
I’m learning to listen to my hearts will, I’m learning that is to respect what it resonates with. I’m learning resonation is how it expresses its will. Im learning to accept that by recognising the ways that ego doesn’t cosign. In feeling the reasons behind it’s why, ive surrendered to my hearts will and feel alive.
I feel flooded with love because of this. It’s washing me inside out, its loving me first. It’s forgiving me with its carthartic hugs. I will no longer suppress its will to protect it from harm. As that cuts me off from feeling my own love. Trust the will of your heart it knows how to preserve its self. The egos protection harms it far greater than any outside force ever could. The heart requires aim to land true, aim through self trust.
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to surrender to was the unconditional flow of my feelings. Going past the initial sting of an emotion to feel and accept whats beneath it.
The heart travels through valleys of pain and lands in the present moment vibrant with hope & faith. When a heart breaks, it’s flow is being tampered with. For it to remain intact you’ve got to feel and let it flow, that is how healing happens.
“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness”
What attempted to corrupt my heart is what my soul pushed back against, with most of my strength. For the most part of my life I disliked its aversion to what I saw as protection. The result of that was to turn on my heart for blocking out corruption that I haphazardly saw as protection. Turned on it through blame, to me it didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why it had a will that held me back.
When your ego thoughts push you to level out pain and your heart blocks it from manifestation. It’s alive not corrupt, it’s refusing to be changed by outside influence. Even your own blame.
Your heart can’t be defined or directed by other than Allah. Trust what you feel through it even if you don’t yet understand. Trust what resonates with it even If it infuriates by blocking your path. Trust your truth, your inner knowing.
Trust the truths your heart absorbs, don’t resist, don’t force, just flow. Most importantly, approach these matters where you blame your heart for going against your ego whims ( because I realise now that’s exactly what it was doing) as a self reproaching soul. You can’t have a conscience and lie to yourself. Soul integrity is what leads to inner peace.