IntimacyūüĒďInto me see

See my innocence when I’m guilty, my love when I’m angry. My fullness when I’m empty. My worth when I feel dejected.¬†

See my patience for what it is, love and endurance that honours your needs.

Can you see my vulnerability when I’m militant. My tender heart when it’s firm & principled.¬†

Miss me when im there and love me in my absence.

Can you hear the things I do not say and  understand the things I did share. 

Can you see my hope amidst my doubts & my courage amidst my fears.

Can you grasp the whys that make up my life & can you see your future in my eyes.

Intimacy happens when you connect with all of me. Intimacy is the language of my heart. I’m greater than the sum of my parts, I know…because into me I looked and I saw…that I am whole.

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That someone understands intimacy

Internalised Untruths

Emotional abuse has many faces, you’ll miss it most when it’s your own.

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It happens quickly, what’s unfortunate is the domino effect that follows. Thoughts are a vibration so they get met with an emotion upon coming into ‘existence’. When the inner critic re affirms a negative belief you unconsciously hold to be true about yourself. The emotion that meets it, usually grief sadness, shame, guilt or unease. Is enough to paralyse a person into a state of dejection.

Had anyone else said what your own mind said to you about you. You would not remain in their company. It’s emotional abuse pure but not simple. What doesn’t make it simple is the inclination to believe it. Most people identify with their thoughts. They think it’s what they think because they thought it. This is particularly dangerous when it comes to taking the words of the inner critic without question, because those untruths that ¬†it relentlessly shares with you, originated from you.

Thoughts are recycled information from past experiences, with no real base connection to truth always. The mind throws it out most of the time just because, and sometimes because it is what it stored and acknowledged as relevant through previous experience. The intent of the mind is to provide what it has stored, so that you may calibrate it in correlation to the present issue. The mind therefore is meeting its primary function of assisting you to navigate the what is. What’s wrong isn’t what the mind does but what it is given to work with in the first place. This is why it’s said the mind can be re programmed.

The evolution of self from ego to soul space can ¬† not happen successfully without the mind being re trained. It is re trained every time you alter the way you experience what causes you harm. The mind doesn’t discriminate with the information it stores. The more you come from a heart space that resonates with what’s true, the more the mind acknowledges this phenomena and stores its ‘new’ findings. So the next time you experience something pulling you into the low vibrational state of dejection the mind will throw out what it thinks is relevant what it thinks can be calibrated to achieve results that serve your highest good. Your highest good is served when the mind ¬†works in tandem with the heart not in opposition to it. ¬†This team work has the soul at the forefront so harmony is created in the place of imbalance.

Ive seen many types of emotional abuse, but the worst ¬†I’ve ever witnessed because it had ¬†no consequence, even the bare minimum of it being seen for what it is. Is the kind of emotional abuse we subject ourselves to. The kind that comes out of our own mouths against ¬†ourselves. Even if it doesn’t reach the mouth and remains a thought in the head. There is still commitment to it. It is believed, it receives attentive, active listening and so it wounds, erodes ans ultimately destroys.

A persons Self esteem is at the mercy of what they do with their own thoughts.

The inner critic or the inner bully only has power to cause harm through ones thoughts because the abuse it spouts is already believed. ¬† The inner critic doesn’t create untruths to emotionally abuse with. It re affirms untruths that are already internalised to be true.

These untruths spoken by our own minds cause worse harm than words spouted by others.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt” ¬†Whoever originally said this was not talking about the inner bully that lives rent free in ones psyche.

Most people have a tendency to call out and usually confront a foul uttered by others. In some cases they even dissect and dismantle the untruth for what it is. This happens based on the feelings felt on account of harmful statements they are subjected to, as being the fault of the other. The logic is the other person is responsible for the negative emotions I am experiencing. ( hence the reaction the abuser receives.)

When the abuser is yourself however, this process  is halted by shame. The untruth is internalised not challenged or confronted or even projected.

The battle within will always be the hardest battle one faces. It is no easy feat by any measure, but it is worth the turmoil if in the process you discover the root of the untruths you’ve internalised. Healing begins as the falsehood that keeps a wound alive dissolves and it dissolves as you begin to look at what you believe and why.

I find looking at the voice of the inner bully/critic as a teacher pointing out a untruth helps greatly. It may have come to re affirm an untruth but through awareness of what it is and what it does, you are in a position to receive, being receptive is a position of power because it connects you back to your only true sense of control, self control. You can choose how to receive the inner critics effort  to harm.  By re defining its presence as a teacher that came to expose an untruth you have internalised as true.

Seeing the voice of the inner bully as clues to untruths you’ve internalised to be true. Can help with growth and healing. When you are present you are in your soul space and your soul isn’t affected by the voice of the inner bully as the soul is motivated towards wholeness because it is created whole.

What came to cause harm can be transmuted into what helps if you precieve what is, from a soul space. If you observe you can feel and when you feel you receive soul perception.

“Actions are powerful, but it’s important to acknowledge so are the emotions. Emotional abuse can be the most painful thing a person can endure. Because it’s abuse of your soul & mind”¬†~ La Tasha Braxton

It’s abuse of your soul because the untruths of the inner critic attempts to shackle and erase your souls potential by insisiting on the reality that entraps it. ¬†It’s abuse of the mind because it halts it from its original pure function of being of assistance to the soul. Its natural to have a tendency to check what’s outside of us, but not what’s within. Emotional abuse ¬†has many faces, don’t miss it when it‚Äôs your own.

 

Crestfallen or Equanimous

The relationship you have with yourself is the one you will have with others. People enter your life as confirmation of how you are with yourself inside. They compliment both your light and dark nature. They reflect both your conscious and unconscious activity. It’s important to pay attention to those who come to highlight the latter. They are there through divine wisdom as an opportunity for you to integrate parts of yourself. It’s important to pay attention to the negative experiences you have because ignoring it only¬†exacerbates the intensity of the lesson when it returns for its next stint, and return it will…

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On a human level we are all the same. Susceptible to dislike for discomfort, unease or pain. Its these emotions that require our attention through awareness and diligence in focus. Yet we meet them with dejection and eventually remove ourselves from experiencing them all together.

It’s this supression of emotions that lead to never ending loops and cycles that reflect and bring the same problems back. The subconscious mind obeys us when we say we don’t want to deal with this or that. It takes this or that and files it somewhere. There is no shredding or deletion just files stacked in a room named the unconscious.¬†Files that require opening because in the midst of the unconscious lies ones authentic self.

Emotions when experienced and allowed to flow lead to feelings that unravel the messages our souls want us to receive. Messages that carry information regarding our true self.

Often we find intuition asking us to take a closer look at the things that upset us, captivate us negatively and catapult us away from the present moment. Intuition being the the seat of the soul, directs motivated towards our wholeness.  Without listening to it, and further suppressing our feelings we remain stuck in the very situations that bring about the emotions we will, to shove away and not experience.

Life is strange but predictable like that, until you learn the lesson the circumstances surrounding it will continue to come back. However much the people, the actual situation, date, or even year may change.

Standing in ones power is best observed every time you exercise the awareness that the buck starts and ends with you.

Why is this happening? Serves us best when followed by what is it trying to show me? What it shows is what it’s teaching.

I’ve always wondered about those two questions. Even if my initial reaction was to get lost in the story, I found myself returning to those two valleys. Sometimes I didn’t get the answers I needed in order to receive the lesson. But it was sufficient that I asked those questions. Sometimes asking those questions was the lesson. In any case wondering about the right things eventually leads you to the paths where Allah provides the answers.

These type of journeys don’t require suffering as a passenger. Suffering happens when you resist what is, when you exit the present moment.

The next time you feel discomfort, unease or pain, pause for the cause that is the emergence of your true self. Pause and allow yourself to experience those emotions fully, because through the experience they transform themselves and when they transform you receive guidance.

Crestfallen is the result when you think life is what happens to you. Equanimity is the result when you believe it happens for you.

 

Sense of self

Boundaries are more than what you won’t do, more than where you stop and others begin. It’s your sense of self.

When I tell you I don’t like something, I’m sharing with you my values that stem from my heart, that determined the why.¬†When I tell or show you what I like, I’m sharing with you my desires.¬†In both instances I give you a sense of myself

I find looking at boundaries this way reflects its importance more profoundly. It becomes more than what feels like a sense of rules akin to what others should do or shouldn’t do. It lightens the burden I associate with responsibility, when it comes to enforcing boundaries.¬†It connects me to a lens of looking inward and not outward.

It connects to my conscience where, ¬†when a boundary is crossed asks the vital question…¬†“does this person know who you are?

(I’ll let you know)

The only real conflict you will ever have in your life won’t be with others, but with yourself.~ Shannon L Alder

Boundaries are difficult for most because it’s not really acknowledged that the real conflict is waged by our own soul. It isn’t down with a lack of or no boundaries having reality¬†that we subject it to. Via blind spots that stop us from even¬†acknowledging ¬†that, that is what we do. Nothing speaks Louder than ones own conscience. The souls language of approval is inner peace.

I couldn’t connect with the importance of my own boundaries as much as I can now, because I am the most undisciplined person I know at times. So the mental connection I made from a heart space with boundaries not being about rules, made the world of difference.

Boundaries for me, is about my sense of self being comfortably asserted. Understanding it this way separates me from being upset or even disturbed when a boundary is crossed. I wonder now how much of me, they actually know. How much of me have I truly let them experience?

If the answer is not much I personally think, one has no just right to be pissed. You only feel a boundary is crossed because your souls connected to your emotional body, to your heart and intuition therefore acknowledging things before your persona self. So that feeling isn’t proof of others crossing a boundary because of lack of consideration or regard for and of you. It’s guidance pulling you to become aware, that you haven’t established, or need to re establish a sense of self here and over there.

If one knows you but still crosses a boundary then that feeling is calling for you to share another part of your self. The part that removes Itself from such people.

Boundaries are about sharing who you are and it continues as required, that’s the re-enforcement part of it. You are re enforcing the point of sharing your sense of self as needed at any given time or place.

The extent to which we do that is the crux of preserving our wellbeing.

Be all of you.

Being authentic becomes somewhat easier to practice when the soul connects you with your heart, that whispers practice authenticity ¬†unapologetically. ¬†Yes I’ve read or seen in many places the statement “unapologetically be yourself” but we all have our own ways for when and how something resonates deeply with us.

Being unapologetically myself  for me meant trusting my strengths not doubting them and having compassion for my shortcomings not treating them as weaknesses. The heart granting permission is a sense of reassurance against any wobbles on the path. As if the wobble is expected but the heart is saying keep at it anyway.

Being unapologetically myself doesn’t mean I can never do something that won’t require an apology on mere grounds of I did it¬†being myself, therefore it’s alright and to hell with anyone who says or thinks otherwise. No It means acknowledging that I’m not perfect. Thus finding a home in self love¬†and not shame for my mistakes, is what ultimately assists my ability to show up authentic, unapologetically.

I find that I flow better with people who can see me in both my dark and light moments.

I find that I flow best when I don’t have to censor myself to protect sensitivities that aren’t mine. I flow better because censorship clogs my flow. Being authentic for me is trusting that my care and love is enough as carried by my potential. To censor indicates ¬†otherwise no wonder why I felt uneasy over extending or censoring parts of me.

Im discovering the nature of my soul through all that it is ¬†ok with, that I do or don’t do. Inner peace is my compass love is my food. Hope is my drink when doubt dehydrates me.

I am all of me unapologetically. I want to flow free like water and my soul is the only boat that can do that.

Goodbye to censorship, burdens and fear of mistakes. Hello to trust that I am enough.

 

Fumbling in the Dark

If fumbling feels like inefficiency, it’s ok because you can’t walk adequately in the dark anyway. If walking straight is what you associate strength and competency with, then through reason only hold yourself to that expectation when you’ve stepped into your light. To do it you need it.

To fumble in the dark is to know you are not home but have a desire to get there. When you can’t see,¬†you are likely to fumble as you walk. If you’re walking because you know in your heart, Allah put you on that path because it leads home. Then Fumbling about isnt in vain it throws off what’s not from you.¬†The fumble in the dark is what leads to connection with your soul. Its how you pass through the dark into your light. Feel the clumsiness in not knowing where you are or what you are doing. ¬†Feel the doubts that say you are on the wrong path. Feel the fear of ending up somewhere that may break your heart.

Feel and don’t abandon any part of you in the dark. When you fumble you are likely to make discoveries. Likely to fall upon things you didn’t reach aim for but are grateful for.

Feeling in the dark is experiencing the  vulnerability that connects you with Allah. You fumble but find you are touched by the things you need. The things he knows you need.

Fumbling in the dark is Allah polishing you. Its letting that help reach you because you aren’t resisting pain.

Allah doesn’t abandon us he merely asks we don’t abandon ourselves in the dark.

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Synchronity

‚ÄúUntil you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate‚ÄĚ ~Carl Jung

“Your truth is a torch that will light the way through darkness. It is a vehicle that will carry you, and a shield that shall protect you. Following your truth is paramount to discovering your true self and all the risq/provisions Allah created you with. Never mistake who you are with how you were.”

I wrote the above in my blog in an entry July ¬†last year¬†Here¬†I came across it tonight and the¬†words “your truth is a torch that will light the way through darkness” is something I can’t believe I said. Its a huge synchronicity for me. What’s crazy is how in the post itself I spoke about synchronicity!

I ¬†feel so emotional it’s unreal. Today has been the only day in the past month where I’ve felt truly alive, enveloped with inner peace without disruption in the flow of ¬†my wellbeing. ¬†The unconscious matter I made conscious with Allah’s grace, was in relation to ¬†how and why my fixation with pain occurs. In avoidance of the things I desire, I couldn’t project safety in uncertainty.¬† I was deathly afraid to. I’ve unconsciously associated ¬†stupidity and shame with my hearts will. Thus ¬†connecting me to a devastating cycle where I’m blindsided by the very pain I aimed to protect my heart from leading me to.

I find myself in a pit of grief that felt familiar. I felt in my heart constractions that seemed like I’m about to be swallowed up. I found Allah’s love through dua and my souls voice that said hold on, don’t fight surrender, you’re ok your are safe. ¬†The evolution of my consciousness has not felt this deep in so long. ¬†I saw the hamster wheel for what it was. A prison that wills to keep me locked in fixation of the very pain I wished to avoid. I saw the illusions behind why I couldn’t project safety in the face of uncertainty. ¬†It left my soul and ego in a tug of war pulling me into matrixes of hope vs hopelessness. To hand me control and to keep me away from it respectively.

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“I don’t have to guess where I am anymore”

I smiled tonight when i saw this scene in Eastenders  (that sign on the bus stop) was a synchronicity itself.

We don’t fear uncertainty we fear what we project into its place. To make concious those fears allows healing, healing brings love that projects safety into the space of uncertainty through hope. Love is the hearts will, it’s what Allah guides you to when you surrender.

He is the only one I could project safety on. The heart is an arrow that needs aim to land true. In his hand it’s safe. He can flip it in what ever directions he wills.

 

 

 

 

Enigma

“She transforms her own dark into her own light. She sees her private shadows – and loves them. She meets her emotional depths – and owns it. She faces private fears of separation – and rises above the illusion. She is the source of her Self and she is always in a state of greater becoming.”¬†~Molly McCord, The Modern Heroine‚Äôs Journey of Consciousness

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My Hearts Will

I’m learning to listen to my hearts will, I’m learning that is to respect what it resonates with. I’m learning resonation is how it expresses its will. Im learning to accept that by recognising the ways that ego doesn’t cosign. In feeling the reasons behind it’s why, ive ¬†surrendered to my hearts will and feel alive.

I feel flooded with love because of this. It’s washing me inside out, its loving me first. It’s forgiving me with its carthartic hugs. I will no longer suppress its will to protect it from harm. As that cuts me off from feeling my own love. Trust the will of your heart it knows how to preserve its self. The egos protection harms it far greater than any outside force ever could. The heart requires aim to land true, aim through self trust.

Surrender

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to surrender to was the unconditional flow of my feelings. Going past the initial sting of an emotion to feel and accept whats beneath it.

The heart travels through valleys of pain and lands in the present moment vibrant with hope & faith. When a heart breaks, it’s flow is being ¬†tampered with.¬†For it to remain intact you’ve got to feel and let it flow,¬†that is how healing happens.

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness”
Eckhart Tolle

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