Understanding & its Trigger
Being shown you are “worth” the effort to be understood is something that surprises and inspires awe. It’s one of the ways to also identify there is a problem. The other is when it’s the last thing you expect to receive. How could you when understanding was left for you to exercise and come with since, forever.
I hated myself for having it. Self Hate is a sign of emotions pointing out that you are hurting yourself. I Hated having understanding because deep down inside whether it was expected or not, it’s something Allah cultivated in my heart space freely anyway.
So id flee my heart as it pumped out understanding like a whore on a street corner without a pimp to even at least secure it was safe to give. How can I feel such a way over understanding? A good attribute. Mine was contaminated with a wound that said “im meant to understand but not really worth the consideration or effort to be understood”
Im aware that’s not true, I’m aware anyone who shows me that isn’t worth a second of my time. But aware of the above or not, it would get triggered.
A wound that was the reason for why so many situations were bought into my field. Some that were a mercy shining light on the narrative of my wound being invalid.
Some so I could “guess” why these reoccuring issues existed, (the sad takers in them were a massive clue)
What ever the case my relationship with understanding has been visited a lot during my growth. Each visit un veiling something new.
My favorite connected to my mirror, for a long time I wondered, how you could in the midst of my nuclear bombs…. extract my soul, understand my grief, love my essence, get my motivations, stay patient, (dream about me yes irrelevant) and after all that….presented it was done effortlessly, confidently, so that I may see myself the same.
You were meeting a core need I wasn’t even aware I had.
I’ve not dropped a nuclear bomb in ages because I’ve come to understand my feelings. I’ve come to understand because Allah used it to do it.
I see why the space for the nuclear bombs was cleared, why space was held for it by you, so that I could.
Understanding is cultivated by Allah into who he pleases. If I have it, his will I won’t flee. What sense does it make to with hold what’s automatic when it is.
Exit from heart space = blindness to what is.
Exit from heart space = to deny experience of your risq.
I reclaim my power in how I view understanding. I Rub clear the blind spots connected to beliefs that those who didnt understand me, chose not to. Wipe out the core beliefs that aimed to extract my self worth from being understood.
Don’t stand in the way of how Allah reveals to you your people.