April Fools day

Every year I enter this day thinking it’s novelty wore off. Then there is always that one person who thinks other wise and before you know it you’ve fell for their prank.

I think the worst of pranks that I fell for came from my dad. It was full of  satire! Oh the sheer embarrassment of falling for it haunts me to this day.

I was 14 years old and he told me some guy  wanted to marry me, he was in his mid 20s. A family friend who I had a normal social friendly relationship with.

My dad literally presented a ‘proposal’ on behalf of that guy, with this serious negotiating voice. He used some of the emotional pleas, parents who coerce their kids into accepting an arrange marriage, would.

The emotional manipulation part was the worst. Looking back his execution was a genius form of satire.

I was surprised mainly because what I was hearing and seeing ‘betrayed’  everything I knew about my father. He was nothing like those parents who feel their children are here to do their bidding and who waltz around like their word alone is bond. Or that obedience to their desires is more of a priority and worth more importance, than cultivating a healthy sense of autonomy into their child.

What I remember about that prank was how deeply my lack of self trust ran. How it even by passed acknowledgement of the slight smirk on my dads face as he acted out his role. Despite knowing this wasn’t my father as I knew him, I was unable to validate that knowledge?

It was as though I associated safety with going with what I was seeing over what I knew. Simply because the past can be wiped out by a change in the present (according to my mind). If what I know was cultivated in the past, then the present moment that contradicts it, to me over powered it.

Things change, people change

Stunned by my dad as the prank unfolded,  I remember saying so genuinely and innocently “I don’t want to because I’m too young”

I also remember not knowing how to process my emotions of discomfort. In order to function I by passed my feelings.

After my response my dad laughed and said “April fools day!” I felt annoyed and playfully pushed him aside.  I felt a strange sense of relief that my knowledge of him remained pure and intact. This was followed by curiosity over why I was afraid to stand with what I knew.

Why was I deathly afraid of having what I know taken away. It’s as if my sense of stability as a child centred a lot around what I know to be true, what I cherish and value remaining intact.

My internal reaction to that prank was a tell tale sign of the absence of my self trust. I wonder what I could have healed with my fathers love, if I was concious of  issue back then.

There is a reason this came up for me now, lately there hasn’t been much room in time, between the lessons I’m being taught.

If I was unable to defend knowledge of my father then I say proudly I’ve come a long way today.

I think one of the biggest disservice ive done to myself was to downplay or undermine my own journey, my own struggles. As I put the journeys of others above it, in terms of importance.

I am not that person anymore and I’m ok with it. Understanding that the presence of my empathy wasn’t necessarily summoning activity was the breakthrough I didn’t expect.

Wilful sacrifice that occurs due to lack of understanding of the above, was self neglect forcing its way through my love.

The motivations  behind the things we do, is best exposed to us through Allah who sees and understands it. Best because the algorithm his will manifests through, isn’t limited by our blind spots.  We see what he wills us to see when he wills it. His will accommodates for all of our needs.

He knows how to communicate to us effectively. Leave your heart open and unguarded for him.

 

 

 

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