I took many routes in life where the feelings of others took precedence over my own. At times the path was because i felt responsible for it. At others because despite how I felt, I cared about the other persons journey simultaneously…. I cared about their feelings.
My concern for others thus in covert ways made me abandon myself. It’s covert because it didnt seem like a bad thing. Until I discovered the place I became absent from was a place that became filled with feelings that pointed out self neglect.
Being concerned about others isn’t a bad thing, it just easily becomes a management issue if it leads you to by pass your own needs and feelings.
It’s mismanaged if you think, the concern can not exist without activity.
And there it was…… the new lesson old feelings returned to impart.
I find it strange how my feelings always will to give me something, as I by passed them most of my life to give to others.
I find it strange how I didn’t see, how easily willfully I sacrificed myself.
Who you are without tension and fear is who will carry you through life with contentment and joy.
Sometimes we put a lot of focus on who we are out side any fear related block, but not much on who we are outside of the tensions we feel.
In being forced to Peel through the layers of my wilful sacrifice. In accepting it being wilful (therefore not the fault of anyone it was intended for)
I saw my reflection starved of my own affections. Normally this would be blocked by a judgement of some kind on the other, This time judgment was replaced by curiosity, as I simplg wondered why I looked starved?
Curiosity always leads to clarity because for me it’s what makes me look inside not outwardly. The sakinah/calmness I felt protected me from getting detoured into a rabbit hole of shame.
I asked myself why I looked the way I did, even though how I looked was felt and not seen? the answer was
You look starved because you are by passing your own need…wilfully.
Your needs are meant to be met so it feeds you wellness. feed yourself what you intend to give.
There comes a point where you just have to stop and listen because…
What’s sacrificed for the sake of another via concern, actually has the biggest lesson for you to learn.
I can’t unsee what I see in such moments.
I can only accept it as my heart welcomes it or reject it via some logic so my ego safeguards itself.
I accepted it and occupied the spaces im quick to exit, as a new room
in my internal home that I’ll never leave wilfully again.
I use to feel people who put their own pain before others they claim to care about to be self absorbed. Now I just know the things we judge point to unhealed parts of ourselves. Me feeling they were self absorbed was me being led to my own self neglect.
judgemental feelings that burden you to feel through because your soul blocks it, carries with it the birth of the guidance you need. It’s a birth because to feel through is like riding constructions without pain relief.
The realisation that comes afterwards gives you inner peace.
In seeing the feelings weren’t about anything in the external but rather about you. You would be able to look at yourself not through a lens of right or wrong but through a lens that makes you keep it real with yourself.
Any result of Wilful sacrifice ultimately reflects back to you where you have rejected or abandoned yourself. I’m amazed by the where’s I’ve found.
When you don’t double down through shame and regret you find direction that leads to a path of contentment.
The biggest thing for me to learn was that I could care and not do anything.
The most profound thing for me to discover, is how through self love, my new structure doesn’t allow space for anyone or thing my feelings aren’t aligned with.
That^ was hard because it took me a while to see it. It took a while because through it Allah was demolishing the space occupied by my wilful sacrifice.
Im just amazed, I have a soul that doesn’t conflate its empathy with a meaning that leads it to act by default.
I wonder what else it feels that doesn’t require action to make it true.
With this understanding and wonder, I set another part of myself free. A part that was stuck in tension that blocked me from seeing it.
This is my soul space that I’ve up til now, didn’t realise I was decorating with self neglect.