Relief,stability,fulfilment,belonging, contentment, victory and ease all beautiful branches of inner peace.
I hope for my loved ones to find shelter in its shade & to find a home that honours its name.
Someone asked me recently what I feared the most and wanted most…
Ive contemplated a lot about the intuitive answers I gave…
I feared most, not self actualising before I die and I wanted most,freedom. Free from what? Until last year I didn’t really actually know. But on a soul level there has always been a void in my heart…I just knew I wasn’t free.
“I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves.”
This quote attributed to Harriet Tubman use to resonate with me a lot. I understand why,now. The reasons behind my desires for relief, were buried in my subconscious mind.
I see it akin to smoke signals from my soul,I could feel it, but the feelings didn’t have a home where it’s message could be decoded.
I feared to die before I self actualised and wanted most freedom from the blocks that stood in its way. The responses to the aforementioned questions, revealed a lot to me. Most of all, that the world is free from my core needs and not taxed by my core goals.
My fears and desires are connected to Allah alone. Only he can make them redundant and facilitate for them.
In looking at my fears and wants I’ve become lost in a valley named “when”
The emotions that were meant to serve as a gps, I’ve not tapped into there. But
the good news is I can now, alhamdulilaah.
I have no room for despair in my heart, instead I know he sees my destination so I’m never alone, he is time so I’m exactly where I’m suppose to be and mankind is lost, except those who believe.
I believe in his plan A, and trust it so as to surrender my plan B.
May our will be aligned with his.
When bani Israel came to the land of Canaan. They feared the strength of the cannanites and as a result didn’t want to enter upon them to fight. Aside from Musa and Harun (alayhis Salam) not even a handful were prepared to obey Allah’s plan. If only they would put have their trust in Allah. Instead they told Musa & Harun, to go with their Lord and fight, as they remained behind to watch. Musa gave up on them, after seeing this latest act of rebellion. And so Allah decreed that Bani Israel would be condemned to wander in the wilderness for forty years, before they would be allowed to enter the land of Canaan.
They weren’t sent there to transform the wilderness into a kingdom, it was for the wilderness to transform them.
I don’t despair of the mercy of Allah, NOT because I feel entitled to it or deserving of it, but because unlike bani israel im willing to fight for my freedom and I acknowledge all of his mercy extended towards them…how no matter the rebellion there he was, as al khaliq (the one who creates) providing opportunities to expand them.
What then of us who lost our way due to unconscious programming. Would Allah forget with us the fitra/natural disposition he created us with?
He is not a lord who forgets. Rather an all knowing god with immense mercy. A mercy that supersedes his anger, a mercy that sees our lost fitra.
A mercy that wants us to come back to him. Free from the shackles of ego. And living free from our heart space. A mercy I have awe of and hope in…
Even if I don’t self actualise he is the only one I know who rewards efforts.
I’m pleased with him as my lord, sufficient is he whether in one place I’m lost and in another not.