Reflection: winter 2017

In my life I’ve met all kinds of people both negative and positive. I’ve learnt from them, my uniqueness and how there is a place for it in this world. In so long as I show up as myself.

From the reckless I’ve come to admire my shrewdness. From the disorderly I’ve come to appreciate my structured ways. From the heartless my heart and from the suspicious? my mind that sees perspective like a buffet. My soul that values truth over narratives that please the ego.

But the best of what I’ve learnt was from the positive people I’ve met, heard or read about. Peoole I’ve learnt from in unconventional ways. I saw glimpses of my unknown self in the good qualities they possessed.

To see them hold space for themselves I’ve learnt to do the same. To see them embrace being misconstrued and blamed with a dignified poise of no response, I learnt to not deface my soul or empower another with my words.

To see them embrace vulnerability as a strength I’ve learnt to invite back my own. From them I learnt love, and to save a lot for myself.

I enter the winter of 2017 grounded in myself, not fearing it’s cold nights like I did in previous years.

The winter came wheezing and freezing but it met a version of me that wasn’t shaking or fleeting. I feel quarantined by a warm and steadfast soul.

The greatest change to infiltrate my world is change that arrived as a gift from the grace of my lord.

To know that someone saw me beyond the pedestal I was put on, a pedestal that burdened me most of my adolescent and adult life. To know that someone saw through the smiles I dished out and the problems I solved. Through the hardships I endured and mundane cycles of self neglect I rinsed and repeated with no resolve.

To know that someone was all along ‘seeing’ and cared enough to destine change that serves me…. Is to know that I was loved deeply.

To be able to look back and connect the dots, to find a pattern of this love creating and placing things in place to assist teach and bless me…

To bring me to where I am, to be able to stand in awe and finally understand. Is to look back and witness, no to look back and KNOW where to place my trust always. I put my trust in he who created me and thereafter took care of me.

As strong as I’m precieved, to him my vulnerable self always greeted.

The vulnerability I hid from the world he saw in all its cracks and confusion in the dead of night away from the judgment I was accustomed to in regards to how vulnerability was perceived.

I am glad In spite of all of the poisonous beliefs I adopted unconsciously that daring to believe he hears and gets me wasn’t contaminated. That belief was the safeguarding of my heart and sanity. The tunnel of life the cord between me and my lord. It’s a tunnel when entered your projections on him are rejected & left outside.

Without the space that tunnel led I don’t know how I would have survived the past 7 years.

To expect the best of Allah is to expect that He will have Mercy on you and relieve you of hardship.

The how never matters what matters is cultivating the wisdom to know where to direct your expectations.

Is it not wise to direct expectations towards he who not only is most capable but most gracious and unwilling to see you disappointed?

“Verily your Lord is Generous and Shy. If His servant raises his hands to Him (in supplication) He becomes shy to return them empty” (Ahmad, Abu Dawood, Tirmidhi)

It is also wise to know that the empty hand you sometimes see is a mirage for it’s not from his sunnah/ways to leave you empty.

The relation between what we know and what we see is only ever settled through him.
Ibrahim alayhis Salam understood that when asked to slaughter the apple of his eye, his son.

I came to understand that through many chapters of my life.

I find peace in the statement leave the outcome to Allah.

To surrender where he is concerned is an insurance against anxiety, fear and concern.

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