Patterns are directions….

……and only interesting when you observe them through feeling.  A major pattern I noticed in recent years is how I have no confidence in perpetrators behind manufactured mess with no rhyme or reason about me. It inconvenienced me the most, because I knew that they wouldn’t make themselves available to hear my truths. I’ve been mostly betrayed by cowards…the kind that put knives in my back. So as you can imagine making themselves available for confrontation was non existent on their list of what to do. To be honest even when some did I would be met with lies and gaslighting I’d see straight through. 

This type of reality really aggravated me inside, because it would summon up my own darkness. Due to feeling forced to experience  a reality that was out of my control. Even though I could accept when one is, I didn’t  understand why I was forced to experience it, in the ways that I did…..so I felt and observed my thoughts….

 ‘Perhaps there is something internal Allah is trying to teach me’…….I wondered, so I resigned myself to hold space for my soul, as it positioned me to receive whatever that may be.

I didn’t want to engage & have an affair with confusion which was the alternative. I rather I got myself ready for a date with clarity…..

The hardest thing for me, was to do nothing, when my ego wanted to do a whole load of something’s. The second hardest thing was for me to witness, the nonsensical envy I had towards my own self because of how easy I made doing nothing look in contrast to how it absolutely was not.

This led me to become aware that in these sort of circumstances, I was being forged by the flames of forbearance….

Forbreance is a quality in my fitra/natural disposition that I had unconcious resistance towards integrating.

I asked Allah the forbearer to bare witness….

~How it was always a lie and a slander used to taint me. ~ How I choose to accept his decree in this pattern of my reality with patience.

~How in understanding that, I can now accept playing the role of being a wound on some peoples tongues. Because im grateful they weren’t destined to be a wound in my heart.

I~will~never~be~a~victim……of fragile egos & corrupt bitter hearts.

I~will~always~use~ones~marad (disease of the heart)……to build awareness & self actualise.

& there is always the bigger picture, of having yowmul xisaab (day of accountability in the after life) to say what’s up? (and there is the inner peace that slowly permeates one’s soul as they heal and realise they no longer even want to)

Every lesson comes wrapped as a dilemma, there is always a part of us waiting for conscious integration. In order for me to integrate my attribute of forbearance, Allah exposed to me situations where it was needed and I’d be consumed by a form of discomfort because I wasn’t aligned with it.

Being tested with cowards that avoid valid confrontation, was ironically mirroring back, the forbearance I left unintegrated in myself because my ego deemed it a risk to its safety.  

Allah tailors the tests that come our way to build awareness. We have blind spots that he wills to unveil, so that we have sight where we once were blind.

I love when something goes full circle, now that I’ve integrated my forbearance, I choke up with raw emotion when ever I get an opportunity to use it. I realise wholeheartedly how every part of my fitra/authentic soul self is highly relevant. It frees me up to do in the situations where I apply forbearance; what my soul genuinely loves to do & that is to look on curiously at the nature of things.

Because I’m a curious soul who also believes that care is about quality. I don’t care about some things because I see no quality behind it. One of those things is the limitations cowards uphold. 

The cowards on my path thus were actually blessings in disguise. If they didn’t run, lie or gaslight I wouldn’t have felt the things that I did that over time formed a pattern that jolted me awake and made me  look inward. 

Its only when we look inward that we can move forward and it’s only when we accept something as is, that we can truly let go.

 

 

 

……

Like water

I remember resonating  a lot with Bruce lee’s quote “be like water my friend” when I was a teen, of course there was more to quote than just that. But it was that part specifically that left the most impression on me.

The full quote was…

You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend. ~ Bruce lee 

Only after I grew older, did it dawn on me just how profoundly this quote impacted me unconciously. It crystallised in meaning that permeated every fibre of my soul. Eventually I realised meaning was preserved and developed through various phases of my life. Because the quote was a sign, a clue about my authentic fluid nature. You can only connect the dots when you look back…
The freeing flow of the water was the opposite to the rigidity i’d lean towards, in the face of changes that I didn’t want. 
The freeing flow of the water was symbolic for all the fulfilment, my soul wanted to pursue but I’d resist because (insert blind spots that led to much self abandonment or fear of my true desires)
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…is your well being flowing through you and to you, no matter what your circumstance is. Just like this rock in the middle of no where, doesnt clog up the flow of the river passing through it. So too, when you follow what fulfils you will the rock not be a factor or obstacle to your harmony and flow.

To be like water my friend, acknowledge every facet of your being, especially your soul perceptions about things. 

It’s only when we ignore the latter (our soul perceptions) that we fall into judgements and then projections and then last but definitely not the least, we fall further away from acknowledging our true needs. 

Any disappointment like energy in life that you feel, can only be transmuted when you pursue what fulfils you. As the feeling of disappointment in ones present moment, is carrying the loyal mail telling you that you are not being fulfilled. See the rock is disappointment and the water is your fulfilment continuing to flow regardless of it.

When inner conflict gets in the way, it only gets in the way of your clarity coming in. That realisation serves as a great incentive for me to persevere and work through it. Clarity is what paves the way for you to align with fulfilment. It is the first dose of it, and ultimately for me, the reason why clarity feels like well being. 

 

Second Draft

When people change, you must not erase what you knew about them before the change that hurt you.

It’s what we knew after all, that we must grieve. As it’s what we knew, that we had the relation and connection with. 

There is a seed planted under the rubbles where your heart was crushed. A seed that grows into profound clarities, that lay out the foundation for a greater and more wholesome home.

There is a crack in the psyche that pain illuminates. So we can experience discernment creeping through when needed most. Discernment, that shows us how to get to and stay in said new home. 

All that happens, when, where, what and how ultimately serves the evolution and expansion of your soul.

Will you be patient?…is a question I’ve asked myself a lot. The answer is always yes because patience fulfils my soul.

There is a part of me that always cared to master myself. That always cared for the silver lining in the dark clouds, that appeared on my path. 

And because of this, this same part of me unwittingly dismissed my feelings to work through things I had no business doing. It held space for things that bothered me.

This part of me that cared to understand even if I wasn’t being understood, is now grateful to realise that she can exist in a space devoid of any form of self deception. A space that makes sense of the unconscious self betrayals that resulted in the forgetting of myself.

Only with time can we look back and re write the first draft that made excuses for others and none for ourselves. 

Only with time can we grow strong enough to look back and swallow the cold truth that in deleting ourselves…..we overestimated the intentions and integrity of others……..and just as we are about to attack ourselves for that, we can in its stead, attach to self love that writes a second draft.

A second draft with clarity replacing confusion. Truth replacing illusion, understanding replacing judgment, empowerment replacing resentment and fulfilment replacing disappointments.  

Our soul holds the pen, that is ready to write our second draft on everything.

 

Cut the Middle Man Out

If you don’t care about my peace of mind, I don’t feel valued by you…

That’s ok, just make sure to establish the peace you need yourself and to realise your feeling here, is sending a reminder. For you to remember who you are, so you can value it to do the above. 

If you feel a sense of abandonment or rejection  creeping up on you in any matter you are immersed in. Then know that the feeling is showing  you, that in that very moment you are not standing in the power of your value.

If you make that conscious connect, you shift because you remember your value & the feeling subsides, because you received what it came to give you.

When you see your feelings as messengers, you don’t run the risk of activating projections, that make you miss the loyal Mail. 

 

First Encounter with my Inner child

It was sometime in September 2018  I was visiting my brother and his wife. It was mid afternoon, feeling really depleted I needed to have a power nap. 

Unfortuntely I wasted the time I could have slept so idly. It’s like I just couldn’t settle myself to do it. 

During one of my idle moments, I popped into the balcony where my brother was resting. We began a conversation about life, this and that. My being tired came up and when he told me to go rest I replied…

“I tried bro but I can’t, I’ll just wait for night fall”

He asked why? and I replied “I don’t know but several attempts failed. I think this is just one of those houses, that I can’t sleep during day in”

I felt this strange feeling that matched the facial expression on my brothers face come up. I shrugged conversation off, but the feeling stayed with me.

(His expression and my feeling reminds me of this emoji 🤔)

My intuition piped up to join in on the reactions. It made an observation and left me some homework. It said ‘that sounds good, but what does it mean exactly?’

Upon quickly reflecting I found that I was in agreement. What I said did sound good because it wrapped things up somewhat logically. Yet I had no real idea about what it meant.

Fast forward another few hours later. My brother had left and my sister in law wanted to hit the town centre. She took with her my 6 year old and her youngest. My eldest son and nephew were left in the house with me.

We both thought I’d get some rest while she was out. But the same thing happened again, I couldn’t find an appropriate moment to take the nap. Even though the kids were settled in near by, watching a movie or playing their game console quietly. I still couldn’t fall asleep.

The time rolled by and whilst in the bathroom my sister in law returned home. She was in the kitchen putting shopping away and I could see her at the end of the hall way as I exited bathroom. 

I felt this polite somewhat compulsive urge to go over to acknowledge she returned home? But got contradicted by an inspiration telling me to turn left into her bedroom and sleep!

I stood there baffled for about 2 seconds and suddenly I lost decisive control. Something just took over, acknowledging the reality that I had nothing to say but I did have something to do!

I found myself in the bedroom, got onto bed and lied down. Settled in I began flicking through my phone looking for something to read and fall asleep with. 

I then heard and saw the shadow of foot steps approaching bedroom door to come in and reacted bizarrely flipping my phone upside down on pillow. All so that it’s screen light disappears, and in doing so I get to give off the illusion that I’m asleep (to whoever it was coming ~my sister in law or the kids~)

I was taken aback by my sudden reaction it felt like it was accompanied by a panic like energy. It felt so surreal that my actions to follow just mirrored the bizarreness of it all.  I responded to whatever just happened with a curious compassion.

I asked myself inwardly & wonderingly

What was that? Why did you do that”

Something coming from deep within me replied in an honest, raw, soft yet frustrated type of way…

I was afraid!”

I felt empathy and asked concerned “Why are you afraid?”

and whatever was speaking back to me replied “They will think I’m available”

I sat there numb and shocked as my mind flinched out a memory of me as a child.

I grew up in a household where I was the only girl and had a lot of brothers. My mum unintentionally had the dysfunctional programming of boys will be boys and girls responsible.

This meant not only were my needs irrelevant, but the concept of me just being was alien. The child me therefore understood that, if mum saw me just lying down resting like I was when trying to fall asleep in real time, reading off of my phone. She would have seen it as I’m not tired, that I am awake and if there was something she needed doing, finding or in general help with its perfectly ok to ask and expect it.  

I would have complied even if I felt burdened because subconsciously I was disconnected from my needs. This lack of self agency paved way for my shadow to leak through, by the time I turned 15.  It led to not a single care given to household, type of rebellion. I became like my brothers. Shortly afterwards I left home and moved in with my dad using college as an excuse, so I didn’t hurt my mums feelings. 

Living with him freed up so much space in my head and heart. I had nothing to do in his house but just be, he took pride in his home. In his free time he would sit and write or draw. I was very drawn to his energy and his nurturing was effortless I found myself often just liking to sit near him in living room doing my homework or talking. When I returned home from college I’d be making plans to make us a meal. Only to find he made his one special dolmio and pasta dish lol being a carnivore id say brb dad and would go grab some fried chicken to eat it with. 

(My dad was the first person I ever saw acknowledge my needs and express them in situations where they were ignored. When I think of being “seen” I remember him) 

(I know I’m digressing, my heart runs away with me when I talk about him. But back to original story of post )

My inner child saw the footsteps approaching and presumed my being on the phone will give the illusion that I’m available for conversation.

I completely understood her and found myself saying. ‘You don’t have to be afraid anymore, I got you. Read what you want and if anyone does come in and presumes you’re available to talk or what have you. I’ll let them know the truth that you’re not.’

I was so firm in what I said and had 100% conviction about it. I was filled with so much love and understanding for this part of me and in a conscious way.

I didn’t even realise till afterwards when I felt the knot in my heart dissipate, along with the hyper vigilance. That the reason why I was failing  to have a nap. Was because my inner child was finessing/looking for a moment to do it, where it felt safety established for itself. It was scanning for ways that contradicted her worries before proceeding to do it.

This is why when I came out the bathroom, my ego (acting to safeguard my inner child from its concerns of interruption )  tried to lead me to the kitchen to make myself seen. To then have a nonsensical conversation. All with the intention of making sure that I’m not looked for when I slip off to sleep. 

I think what took over and made me turn left straight into bedroom was my soul. I remember it so clearly, it literally interrupted the egos plan with a firm energy that can only be best described as “fk this”

When my inner child ‘left the building’ of my consciousness I lied down and began reading. I heard the footsteps again in the hallway. Only this time there was no hyper vigilance because of it. 

I had no reaction to it at all. There was just a tranquil feeling and before I knew it I fell into a deep slumber.

2 hours later I briefly woke up only to fall back asleep again without a struggle. I woke up because my sister in law was nearby a cupboard next to me. 

When I looked up, she  whispered ‘sorry babe just came in looking for something’ She commented about me sleeping with my robe on and wondered if I was too warm. I said I was ok and felt cosier that way. She then bent over to kiss me on the forehead and pulled blanket over me.

I never told her but as she left room a tear fell from my eyes. As I fell back asleep realising it was my inner child who received her love and kiss.

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Or it will forever live abandoned within you, looking for other ways to get it

I later learnt that this encounter also meant my healing growth that proceeded it, is what allowed my inner child to trust me enough to show up.

I will never forget the words “I’m afraid’ followed by ‘They will think I’m available’

No wonder the adult me was always looking for relief. I loved giving others what I wanted deeply for myself too.

The relief I wanted was received by me from the part of me that needed it most. (My inner child) 

Our unmet needs can only ever be satisfied and met best, when it comes from within our own selves. 

What you seek is seeking you. 

Recognising the Inner child

Your insecurities reflect what your inner child believes. It’s your inner child that makes you doubt your worth or value because of what he/she believes. 

Sometimes instead of looking within, people look outwardly and project the emotional intensity floating up from their unconscious. That wants to reveal a particular point related to information like this.

If we think the emotional intensity we feel is about the story that caused it to bubble up. We will continue to miss the points that would have led to our illumination about a matter. 

Conversely if we don’t project the emotional intensity, but instead we become emotionally available to ourselves enough to feel it and accept how we feel afterward. We heal and ultimately grow into cultivating  unconditional self acceptance, that establishes good self esteem.

All that we don’t accept are filed away as insecurities. That means self esteem is left injured. Wholesome living can not be attained with out recognising & attending to the one who did the filing… 

Your inner child..

That needs your efforts & attention to turn towards their reality. So that they can be seen heard, nourished and loved.  Rather than subjecting it to disregard and thus further abandonment. Because the ego employs patterns of resistance to keep us away from the  places and spaces our inner child is left to bleed alone or worse hustle for its needs on its own.